"Every Feeling Possible" (Part 2 of 3)

The change in me was overwhelming you could say. I mean, I didn't have that once before excitement for seeing my baby jump around during the ultrasound like I thought. Instead, it was just a dot. Sitting in the room of the doctor, I lean back in my seat. I had taken a camcorder to record any movement or what I thought was going to be "action". I kind of slouched in the seat I was sitting in a bit like a kid that wanted to go outside and play and his mother told him no. I continued to record though, because I felt that these are moments that I will never have again with her and my family was too poor to have a camcorder when I was little or own a decent working camera even.

I continued to tape, and even though I was smiling on the outside, the inside of me was confused. As a man hoping for his first child, I expected so much more at that particular moment. I completely forgot that the growth of a child even in the womb is a "process". Some people fall in love with the fact of having just the knowledge of knowing the baby is there but not me...I wanted to see my daughter. I remember the quick drive home vividly. I remember standing up in the room after the doctor told us that she was growing just fine and things were normal. I had this blank look on my face as if all of a sudden I was surrounded by strangers. I looked at the doctor, shook his hand and walked out the door. I took the camcorder bag and threw it across my shoulder and began my slow paced walk to the elevator. I got in and pressed 1st floor and remember thinking, "God how much more longer do I have to wait to see her"?

You have to understand that I came to an entirely different coast with no family except for a brother that lived 45 minutes away. I wanted that feel of having family around constantly like I had growing up, even in my adult years. Just the thought of having someone else around me that shared my sense of humor, looked like me and even loved me as much as I loved them...was the best gift God could have blessed me with. I didn't want to feel alone no more and feel like I had to always think like the streets when I left home, I wanted to comfort feel.

As the elevator reached the 1st floor, I walked out aggravated and both content at the same time. I got in the car, sat in the driver seat gazing at the windshield and then left. I could only thoughtfully compare the feeling to winning the lottery and getting there only to find out that your money will come 9 months later. With me feeling the way I felt and the extra emotion and frustration coming from the misses, it was a grueling period for me. Even though an extended version of me was near, I still felt alone. Its crazy cause you can be in a room full of people and still feel like the room is empty. Waiting for my daughter to enter the world was like getting your favorite birthday meal and having to look at the oven and stove but for it to reach its perfection, patience had to be present. I knew eventually I would get to see her, but I always thought what would she look like, how would she smile, how would she talk. Only time will tell.

I got home one day and called the smartest person I know, my mother. Its seems she always have advice to give and its that advice that's deeper than what you see. That's why I like talking to her because she makes me a better person in 45 minutes of conversation, than taking a college course and entire semester. She always quote bible scriptures as if she had the convo planned out and a bible in front of her. She told me that patience is not only a virtue but also a gift. Then she went into detail and explaining it more. Its like being on E and with every new conclusion you come to, you get closer and closer to that F. After that phone call, there was another change that took place. This change was more of a positive change I think, I mean the "process" was a little more bearable. As you know, with change comes adjustments....adjustments that I wasn't fully prepared for.