No one can predict the future neither the things in it. Lost jobs, lost time, lost loves...all play a part of a person future. Its what we decide to do with that future that makes the road that we see ahead...more bearable.
Tonight i had a going away party and out of my guest list of 53 people...about 40 showed up. The spot was packed, i felt like i knew everyone. It was really a change of pace for me as well as humbling. I got to see the reason why so many people respect me and also fear me. While i was standing at the bar ordering a drink (cranberry and sprite, i don't drink) i was looking around at all the smiling faces at me. I heard countless times from women and men tonight about how much they love me and will miss me. People wanted to take pictures, give hugs and even wanted to dance. I got a chance to let loose tonight, so to speak. But i also learned alot!
You see, i grew up in places where communication was key for life or death. So i established a kind of love that was "different" from the norm. There are different types of loves, there is that "i wish you well love" that "i love you with all of me love" that "lets make it work no matter what love" and my love which is "i will die for you love". This type of love came about when i had people in my life that would actually take a bullet for me. Women and men have made that bold statement to me and in certain situations they have proven that they would do just that. So, that is the type of love i learned and the only "kind" i have. People don't understand your heart or where you come from unless they give it a genuine time and effort for the experience to happen.
Tonight, i was shown how much people love me...words, actions and more. Tonight, in a long time, i felt wanted, needed, admired. I felt like my presence was felt. Even when i was leaving, it took me like 15 minutes to make it out the door and then in front of the place 5 minutes more. Kind words goes a long way and with the love i have, i will take that to the grave with me. Through my words, i have helped alot of people and tonight i learned exactly how much i did. People told me of problems they had and conversations months ago helped them get passed it. I am not a normal person, God has put me here for a reason. I think my words will reach many people and tonight i became a new person. A person that doesn't care about words from people so much, a person who is confident in who he is and found out that I'm not only handsome but I'm "sexy" and "take home worthy" (whateva that means lol).
Sometimes people don't know when they have won. When the bell have rung and they are the only ones with gloves still on. When the opposite corner has flowers and they have jabs. I have said and have done somethings that are unforgivable and tonight i have learned to just let go and let God. My problem is, i hold on to people and things so much until it consumes me. I had to look at myself in the mirror and evaluate who i am again. I have been in Cali 3 years and a half but in just 5 days, i have grown up so much....much more than those years. Words will not plague my soul, or shatter my dreams anymore. Words are very powerful and they hurt and they heal and they mend...but the heart has to be right. I have done alot of damage with my words (my actions were always right though) and i don't think a certain situation is worth hoping for or even dwelling on anymore. Words can kick you when your down and also help you up when you need it.
I received a call from a kid (now a grown man) that i mentor, tonight before the party. He just began to speak to me about life and what he is going through. I just started speaking and i felt the intelligence that i was portraying, oozing out of me like it was always there. I touched him verbally when people right next to him couldn't.
Remember to be strong, be confident and let no one dim your light. And, when you think that someone is dictating what you do, it may just be you and not them. Do not give someone so much control until some words on a page or phone can physically have you shaking or crying for that matter. Emotions are easy to touch but the bible says "My child, if your heart is wise, my own heart will rejoice". Be wise, choose words carefully and you will prosper. Its never to late to start over.
Tonight i looked at the life i have lived here and although i have accomplished alot, I'm not pleased with it. I got caught up in the excitement of the area, the lights, the weather and forgot that life is about giving. Giving knowledge, teaching, helping and loving.
After tonight, i began a new part of my life, a new beginning where i am in control, where my words will no longer hurt no one and no one elses words will hurt me.
Job 17:11 "My days are over. My hopes have disappeared. My heart's desires are broken". When i leave Cali, I'm leaving everything here, my guilt, my faults, my pains, my loneliness, my regrets, my downfalls, my short comings, my old life, but most of all, my heart. I will leave it here, that type of heart cant come to Houston with me.
Tonight i bid a farewell to some of the most interesting, beautiful and inspirational group of people i know. You all as a whole has helped me grow as a person and i salute you all for the times, effort, love and attention you have given me. I have pressed the reset button and my heart is elsewhere now.
When i get on the road to Houston, looking back will be like Sodom and Gomorrah, i will damage myself more if i do so....i will leave Cali in Cali.
I think its safe to say that we should have a "Curtain Close".
Love -GS-
Saturday, December 18
Sunday, December 12
"Bitter Sweet"
Laying in bed in December 2008, i was waking by touch. "Hey Me'Lon do you love me", "yeah i do" then i fall back asleep. Then i was waken seconds later, "Me'Lon do you love me alot", "yeah shawt, gimme bout 5 mo minutes", then asleep again. Waken a third time, "Do you love me enough to spend the rest of your life with me", then i look her in her eyes and say, "yeah, why"? She says to me "get up and come with me". With just boxers on, i walk down the hallway into the master bathroom. I didn't know what to expect...i thought i was about to get a early morning "surprise" :-)...nope. She walks me in and hands me a pregnancy test. I promise, when i looked at this thing, it said "PREGNANT...YEP YOUR ARE THA FATHER". So i wiped my eyes and took another look at it. Completely speechless, i just stood there in silence. She waited next to me nervously to see what my response would be but all i could do is just stand.
I looked at her, looked deep into her eyes and turned and walked out the bathroom. I crawled back into bed and just laid there trying to get it to sink in. She had come out the bathroom and stood in the doorway to the room waiting on some kind of comfort but i was so stunned. I had never wanted to have a child with a person and this was the first person i was ready to have one with and yet i still couldn't illustrate my happiness. Needless to say, we had a little argument because of my lack of verbal comforting...but overall i think i was as taken back as her. About 2 hours into it, i was calling everyone in my phone screaming to the top of my lungs telling them that i was having a child. It felt so good to have a family of my own. I was hoping for a boy like every man does and i was blessed with a girl. I think God knew what he was doing. At the time of that news...i must say i was anxious to see a boy but when i felt my little girl kick me for the first time...i was sold. She means so much to me, she has been in all my decisions and all my actions since her birth. My job is and was then as well, was to provide and protect her and i have done and is doing so.
Which brings me to today. I have decided to move back to Houston Texas. When i messaged people, called people or told people that i was leaving...their first questions weren't, "why"? or "when will you be back"? or "how come"? But, it was instead "what about your little girl"? I didn't realize that so many people knew how passionate i am about my babygirl. I think i love her more than the average human, or even more than the above average human feels about their child. I came to California with just a suitcase and 500 dollars and im leaving with pain, tears and sorrow. I had no family here except for my brother who moved out here when i was 10. She had become my mother, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, father, uncles, aunts, and friend. She holds so much weight in my heart that's why this decision is so hard to make. I have cried the last 3 days literally, I'm crying right now. What i have built in 3 years, has been all torn down and taken in 3 months. I don't think no one will ever understand the amount of pain, hurt and disappointment you can suffer when you gave everything you had/have and it still wasn't enough. In some ways, i failed...horribly. In some ways, i accomplished what i was set out to accomplish. In some ways i trusted too much in another person.
As a kid, (as many of us do) i used to look at people and say, "that will never be me". I find myself, that person now. I gave up my life to be here, and is giving it up again to leave. Its taking a while to write this with all the tears that keep blurring my vision. I never thought it would turn out this way, but i didn't calculate the other 50% that influence the decision as well. Sometimes the goodness of your heart is not met with the same effect. But what i will say is that i have learned alot here. Alot of good things and also some things that i would like to leave here as well. But what i mostly learned is, when you give up your life to be a part of another person's...learn them and not the person you think they are. I think that should be on both sides.
My life here is done and it is time for me to start over again back in a place that housed me for 25 years. I'm more mature, focused, seasoned, and scarred so i think I'm prepared for whatever this world can throw me. But what i will say is that outside influence is not needed when the words are negative. I come from a place where when a home is broken, the words spoken are "pray to God" or "do whatever it takes to keep your family together". Here its "well it just didn't work" or "we were just delt a bad hand". It seems like when the first chance of occupying the bed of someone else presents itself, its taken. I have been in love 3 times in my life and its crazy how the scenario's kind of play out the same. Emotionally i have been battered, bruised, betrayed, taken advantage of and hurt on purpose but I'm still here. I'm not a fan of love anymore, i don't think it prevails and i don't think it conquers all. If it did, the way i have loved would have reached every heart on earth.
God has a plan for me and for me to be able to give my daughter my morals and values, i have to be in a position to do so. Again, California has been a great place to experience but i think my reign here is over. My daughter will unfortunately be the middle man in this (so to speck) but i think in the end God will get the glory. This decision wasn't the easiest by far, i think it was a bit forced, made for me and also selfish but there is a blessing in everything.
To the mother of my child: I have loved you more than any family member and even myself most of the time. I tried my best to give you a life the you never had and i succeed materialistically. I provided for you and protected you from any hurt harm or danger, but it wasn't enough. This is neither of our faults and i respect your decisions and wish you the best in your life. I still think you are a great mother and i will always love you for giving me the best gift God made available on earth...a child.
To my daughter: Taylor daddy cried for you, prayed for your soul and promise to give you the life of a princess. When you get older, you can look back at these blogs or reads my books and feel through the words what kind of heart i had. I apologize for having to leave you but i am doing all of this for you baby. I have never felt like my heart being pierced like right now. A person once told me "emails and letters are forever", and I'm hoping that these words mean as much to you as they do to me. I am not leaving with a cleared conscience, a pleased decision or with a open mind but with love for you in mind. I promise to call you, send you flowers and spend as much time as humanly possible a person can spend in 2 states. The bible says "In the last days, the heart of man will wax cold", keep in mind that you heart is different...you have my heart, so its a blessing and a curse, protect it with your life. I will introduce you to God just as i did 4 months into you being born, you are his child and i have asked him to look over you and keep you the rest of your life...i believe he will do just that. ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT DADDY LOVES YOU AND I WILL ONLY BE A PHONE CALL AWAY. (tear)
I looked at her, looked deep into her eyes and turned and walked out the bathroom. I crawled back into bed and just laid there trying to get it to sink in. She had come out the bathroom and stood in the doorway to the room waiting on some kind of comfort but i was so stunned. I had never wanted to have a child with a person and this was the first person i was ready to have one with and yet i still couldn't illustrate my happiness. Needless to say, we had a little argument because of my lack of verbal comforting...but overall i think i was as taken back as her. About 2 hours into it, i was calling everyone in my phone screaming to the top of my lungs telling them that i was having a child. It felt so good to have a family of my own. I was hoping for a boy like every man does and i was blessed with a girl. I think God knew what he was doing. At the time of that news...i must say i was anxious to see a boy but when i felt my little girl kick me for the first time...i was sold. She means so much to me, she has been in all my decisions and all my actions since her birth. My job is and was then as well, was to provide and protect her and i have done and is doing so.
Which brings me to today. I have decided to move back to Houston Texas. When i messaged people, called people or told people that i was leaving...their first questions weren't, "why"? or "when will you be back"? or "how come"? But, it was instead "what about your little girl"? I didn't realize that so many people knew how passionate i am about my babygirl. I think i love her more than the average human, or even more than the above average human feels about their child. I came to California with just a suitcase and 500 dollars and im leaving with pain, tears and sorrow. I had no family here except for my brother who moved out here when i was 10. She had become my mother, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, father, uncles, aunts, and friend. She holds so much weight in my heart that's why this decision is so hard to make. I have cried the last 3 days literally, I'm crying right now. What i have built in 3 years, has been all torn down and taken in 3 months. I don't think no one will ever understand the amount of pain, hurt and disappointment you can suffer when you gave everything you had/have and it still wasn't enough. In some ways, i failed...horribly. In some ways, i accomplished what i was set out to accomplish. In some ways i trusted too much in another person.
As a kid, (as many of us do) i used to look at people and say, "that will never be me". I find myself, that person now. I gave up my life to be here, and is giving it up again to leave. Its taking a while to write this with all the tears that keep blurring my vision. I never thought it would turn out this way, but i didn't calculate the other 50% that influence the decision as well. Sometimes the goodness of your heart is not met with the same effect. But what i will say is that i have learned alot here. Alot of good things and also some things that i would like to leave here as well. But what i mostly learned is, when you give up your life to be a part of another person's...learn them and not the person you think they are. I think that should be on both sides.
My life here is done and it is time for me to start over again back in a place that housed me for 25 years. I'm more mature, focused, seasoned, and scarred so i think I'm prepared for whatever this world can throw me. But what i will say is that outside influence is not needed when the words are negative. I come from a place where when a home is broken, the words spoken are "pray to God" or "do whatever it takes to keep your family together". Here its "well it just didn't work" or "we were just delt a bad hand". It seems like when the first chance of occupying the bed of someone else presents itself, its taken. I have been in love 3 times in my life and its crazy how the scenario's kind of play out the same. Emotionally i have been battered, bruised, betrayed, taken advantage of and hurt on purpose but I'm still here. I'm not a fan of love anymore, i don't think it prevails and i don't think it conquers all. If it did, the way i have loved would have reached every heart on earth.
God has a plan for me and for me to be able to give my daughter my morals and values, i have to be in a position to do so. Again, California has been a great place to experience but i think my reign here is over. My daughter will unfortunately be the middle man in this (so to speck) but i think in the end God will get the glory. This decision wasn't the easiest by far, i think it was a bit forced, made for me and also selfish but there is a blessing in everything.
To the mother of my child: I have loved you more than any family member and even myself most of the time. I tried my best to give you a life the you never had and i succeed materialistically. I provided for you and protected you from any hurt harm or danger, but it wasn't enough. This is neither of our faults and i respect your decisions and wish you the best in your life. I still think you are a great mother and i will always love you for giving me the best gift God made available on earth...a child.
To my daughter: Taylor daddy cried for you, prayed for your soul and promise to give you the life of a princess. When you get older, you can look back at these blogs or reads my books and feel through the words what kind of heart i had. I apologize for having to leave you but i am doing all of this for you baby. I have never felt like my heart being pierced like right now. A person once told me "emails and letters are forever", and I'm hoping that these words mean as much to you as they do to me. I am not leaving with a cleared conscience, a pleased decision or with a open mind but with love for you in mind. I promise to call you, send you flowers and spend as much time as humanly possible a person can spend in 2 states. The bible says "In the last days, the heart of man will wax cold", keep in mind that you heart is different...you have my heart, so its a blessing and a curse, protect it with your life. I will introduce you to God just as i did 4 months into you being born, you are his child and i have asked him to look over you and keep you the rest of your life...i believe he will do just that. ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT DADDY LOVES YOU AND I WILL ONLY BE A PHONE CALL AWAY. (tear)
Sunday, December 5
"Clueless"
I know its certain feelings that seem too familiar, like the feeling of sleepiness or hunger. But what about the feeling of protection. I go to work everyday and see people walking with their kids, laughing and playing and wonder why that option was taken from me. You never understand how people can make decisions based on their "feelings" and believe what they feel. That has to be a random life. I used to remember waking up daily and being right there for my daughter. Protection wasnt even a question because i was right there...providing wasnt a question because i was right there...but somehow the choice of me being a part time father was selfishly made for me.
I get up now and think, "where is she", "how is she doing", "is she thinking about me". When i see her, its like this uncontrolable feeling of happiness and security i get. I moved from a place i called home for 25 years only to be left as a statistic and left to die honestly. But, by me only having one brother out here and a friend that i consider my brother...i was completely surprised by the people that actually showed me love apposed to the ones that didnt. You can give everything you have to people or to a person and in the end it doesnt matter when they have their own direction. I lost, im stuck here in a foreign place...here to raise a child partially...here to raise her to have morals and values that i had when i was brought up. Its hard to do that when you know nothing about this place. I lost, stuck here to watch a person survive as they did years before me in a place thats familiar to them. But i keep hearing a voice from above say, "love, yet again it will be your turn".
People will surprise you when its either you are them. I grew up giving the very clothes on my back to a friend. I built relationships with people that i felt would go past the personality and into the soul of a person. What happens is, when some people turn their backs...pride owns them. I have suffered for things i had nothing to do with, things i didnt even do, things people "feel"...i lost. I think maybe if i had my own agenda when i came here i would have been better prepared for the outcome...but i am such a passionate person of friendship and the people i hold close to me until i dont think people are capable of doing that to ME. I lost, i lost even when it wasnt a game, i lost even when all the jokes were just silence and the wind made the only sound. I lost in a race that i wasnt even aware i was in. Then you ask yourself...who benefits...but there is never an answer for that. A smile or compliment means nothing when the intentions behind it arent genuine.
Thoughts about people and a person have never occupied my mind until now. As i get closer to clarity...i look back and see the signs of my downfall and ask myself why didnt i notice then. The answer to that is...THE HEART. The bible says, "I will give you the desires of your heart"....BUT the desire doesnt mean a wife or husband all the time. A person once told me "Dont stay with a person because of the potential"....funny how things turn out though. I can proudly say that before my child...i had many female friends...i wanted to be tha "ladies man" tha guy who all tha ladies wanted to be around. That was such a dark and lonely road that i was traveling down because once you realize that you are just a clueless person seeking attention from the opposite sex...its pointless. I have grown from EVERYTHING i used to do and wish to not convert back to it.
So while im here in a place that i have to first learn on my own...i have to be man enough to not let its "things" change me so i can teach my daughter how it really feels to love someone. Its easy to say this is a great place to raise a child when you have never lived anywhere else. I lost, i lost at not noticing i was on a road that lead nowhere and lost the option to have my daughter see her family daily.
Even when i won, i lost. Then they say when a man shows emotion, he is weak...when a man show emotion (its something he cares about deeply) he is a MAN. I have done more than any man should be forced to do but this is a lesson learned through experience. My son (one day) will know how to treat a woman and i will teach him how to love one as well. People say that love is a touchy subject...thats only when you have never really loved someone. When words stop working, all you have is action...i have shown too much. When you give a person or people power that they cant even handle...all kinds of things happen. Still to this day..."feelings" are all im thought of. Its like im not even a person anymore. My actions have proven my heart...regardless of what i say. I had some thoughts in my head...i needed to get out..."when the halftime show is over, its back to business...unfortunately some people dont know the difference".
Its crazy how one person can destroy the entire life of 2 people because of a "feeling"....im clueless.
Thursday, December 2
"My Proverb"
Tonight as i sat with my daughter in my arms, i was stroking her hair and reading her the bible. Today i read her Proverbs 24 and it touch me in a way that no other scriptures ever have. I think its because I'm going through a lot at this moment in my life. But i continue not to stray away from the understanding of how God speaks to me. Everything i have read in proverbs, seems to explain more and more to me that i didn't see before hand. The first verse spoke directly to me. It goes as such:
I have found myself attempting to become attached to a thought or an emotion that doesn't exist in my world anymore. Its easy for me to see what is reachable but for me to grasp it, doesn't entirely depends on my effort. That scripture spoke of not being jealous or wanting what a evil person possess, or even wanting to be with or around them. Sometimes you get so lost, until its not you anymore. I became a person that i didn't even know, i became a shell. Verse 2 spoke of the heart. That was the first thing that i felt get pierced. When an emotion is so deep that it becomes reality, the heart is a dangerous thing to reveal. Especially to a thing or person that "studieth destruction" or "talk or mischief". I thank God for the clarity and for the mind to seek his face and understand him and all he has left behind for me to study. I may not be as out going, most adventurous or even as spontaneous, but i am still here and God has kept me through the toughest times. I'm going to write through the 10th verse but i urge you to read the entire chapter...this has been a revelation to me and may open your eyes as well.
1. Be not thou envious against evil men, neither desire to be with them:
2. For their heart studieth destruction, and their lips talk of mischief.
I have found myself attempting to become attached to a thought or an emotion that doesn't exist in my world anymore. Its easy for me to see what is reachable but for me to grasp it, doesn't entirely depends on my effort. That scripture spoke of not being jealous or wanting what a evil person possess, or even wanting to be with or around them. Sometimes you get so lost, until its not you anymore. I became a person that i didn't even know, i became a shell. Verse 2 spoke of the heart. That was the first thing that i felt get pierced. When an emotion is so deep that it becomes reality, the heart is a dangerous thing to reveal. Especially to a thing or person that "studieth destruction" or "talk or mischief". I thank God for the clarity and for the mind to seek his face and understand him and all he has left behind for me to study. I may not be as out going, most adventurous or even as spontaneous, but i am still here and God has kept me through the toughest times. I'm going to write through the 10th verse but i urge you to read the entire chapter...this has been a revelation to me and may open your eyes as well.
3. Through wisdom is a house builded; and by understanding it is established:
4. And by knowledge shall the chambers be filled with all precious and pleasant riches.
5. A wise man is strong; yea, a man of knowledge increaseth strength.
6. For by wise counsel thou shalt make thy war: and in multitude of counselors there is saftey.
7. Wisdom is too high for a fool: he openeth not his mouth in the gate.
8. He that deviseth to do evil shall be called a mischieveous person.
9. The thought of foolishness is sin: and the scorner is an abomination to men.
10. If thou faint in the day of adversity, the strength is small.
I hope that this proverb help someone. I never have posted anything like this before but everything is done for a reason. God opened my eyes with this and maybe someone else needs to read this to become understanding of what we should be or should be doing.
Salute!
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