"Worse Feeling I Ever Had"

Today i was awaken at 6am by my daughter (taylor) trying to put her finger in my nose. I think that was her way of telling me that she wanted a bottle. Half sleep, i lift her head off of my chest and tell her, "stay right here, daddy go be back"...but she started to whine a little. Taylor always seems to get me with that whine, sometimes i can shield my heart against it and hold out but most of the time i just give in (don't tell her though). I pick her up and carry her to the kitchen in my arms. She normally gets excited when i take her to the kitchen because that means its food time..well in her language "eht eht daddy...eht eht". I grab a bottle and she starts clapping and talking, i admire a child that knows she is loved and well taken care of. I warm the bottle up and just as i go to pick her up, the pacifier comes shooting out of her mouth. She was ready for that bottle. I lay her down on the bed, change her diaper and then we lay back down to get back up like an hour later. She couldn't sleep completely so i spent about an hour rubbing our heads together. For some reason her and i do this head rubbing thing where her forehead and mines meet and we just stare at each other. My family is very affectionate and i always wanted my daughter to be able to physically express her love with her relatives.

Then we woke up, tired and playing...i get her clothes together. I do her hair and all the while, I'm praying for her. My love for my daughter is deeper than words, i pray for her soul. When i tell a person something, i mean it with everything in me...that's if you are close to me. I think she understands everything i tell her because she seem to accept it with a smile or a smirk. I walk her in the guest room where my mother from Houston is visiting and she waves and says "bye bye"...then waves at my brother and we head out the door. On the way driving there, i look at her periodically in the car seat to make sure she is ok. I start to talk to her but normally she don't talk as much in the car. Well, she did yesterday when we went out for shrimp and fries...she really enjoyed herself. We was in the backseat of my brothers expedition saying "uh" (rick ross voice) the whole way home...she is a character. One thing though, lately she has been very clingy to me, as if I'm going somewhere. I notice it and constantly tell her, "daddy ain't goin nowhere mamma, im right here doony". So i dropped her off at daycare and was driving back home thinking about the day ahead of me. I knew i would suffer some disappointment but none like i was about to encounter.

I get home, take off my and 1 basketball shorts and put on some jeans, a tee and a jacket. I look at my mother and say, "pray for me mamm, i dont know what to expect". I nervously walk out the door, down the hall, took the elevator and on to my car. I crank my car and pause for a minute asking God for guidance and help.

I go down to a building and they tell me that i was at the wrong building first. I had to go to another building and then come back to that one. So i pay the parking tab and drive to the second location. I hope out the car, take a look around and you can smell the stench of regret in the air in front of this place. I put quarters in the meter and then i walk in. I was told to remove everything from my pockets and my belt as well. Then i was told to stand in this line and wait until it was my turn. I had gotten there about 10am and as i stood in line, i noticed the "kind" of people i was around. I was around people who were obviously distraught, hurt, helpless and a couple of other words that i don't want to use. As i looked on with paperwork in my hand, i wondered if i was to pass by me while i was standing in line, would i look like i belonged there. I don't think i did. I think that place is for people who made mistakes, for people who cant jointly come to a conclusion. I looked different, i felt different but yet i was the same.

Some of us get to a point where we feel like we are better than another person and God has a way of putting you in the exact situation you thought you were better than. I didn't make this decision to be there, it was made for me...i was simply exercising my right as a man and a father. I had never knew anything about this place, my family had never went through this. I had never even experienced this, this was never a conversation in my home growing up...but yet i find myself on the front line. I felt like a soldier that signed up for some that i believed in only to find out that the person whom i signed up for, never believed in me.

Inch by inch i got closer to the "lady at the window". I was clearly out of place and i felt every second of it. I remembered back to my childhood and how i had no father there and that is what gave me the strength to stand up for myself and stay there. I thought about leaving as soon as i got in that place...i never wanted to be there. I was also reminded of a conversation that i had with a woman earlier in which she said, "i raised my daughter for 4 years without any help and she turned out fine" then i chimed in and said, "but i have been there everyday of my daughters life and i am a part of her life...your situation is different". It was almost as if she was trying to encourage me to let my daughter go. All these things played a part in my head as i stood there.

Then finally after 2 1/2 hours, i was called. I walked to her and the first question she asked me, i felt like a kid that didn't know nothing. Its one thing to be aware of something but its the worse feeling to be completely in the dark when it comes to something that has to do with you. Clearly embarrassed, i just asked her for advice and paperwork and then i left. I had never walked so fast in my life to get out of a place. As i pushed the door open i rested my back against the wall, feeling both tricked and betrayed. Often times people act on what they feel but feelings have proven to be a quick ticket to disaster.

Thinking that paperwork would define my daughters rights until she is 18, i refused to go ahead with the process. I love my little girl and she is not property to me, she is a human being that deserves the chance to grow up freely in a world where she is loved period. I felt like I'm taking a loss but in the end, my daughter wins. She wins a chance at not being subject to a piece of paper that says when or how often she can see me. Evangelist Dorothy Johnson once said "these are people from all walks of life, allowing sinful people to judge there sinful acts or wicked deeds". "The judges arent just...they say what they feel and back it up with the law". "That aint God".

I have been there daily, don't that count for anything. My father was never there for me and i vowed to be a great dad and i have well exceeded that. But, I'm some strange world...even though i won, i lost. We shall see what the future holds, will it get worse and i having to take the road less traveled. This could have gotten ugly if i was ignorant, thank God for my fear of him.

To all the fathers, if you are instrumental in your child's life, give them whats best for them. When parents makes decisions, they are often blinded by their selfish reason which seem right but makes for a nasty outcome. The child is priority not property!

I'm just glad that i have someone i can love and love with no hold backs..love u Tay!

"Her Spirit Talks To Me"

Looking through the window as the water from the rain beads against it making one of the most beautiful sounds imaginable, i reminisce.

Coming home to a little girl with arms outstretched reaching for me was a gift in itself. Rolling around with her on the floor watching as she figure out what pain is...thinking whether to cry or not. Crawling through the house looking for anything to grab or to rip apart. Watching her as she learned how to pull up on a couch and how she loved to be in my arms. She would always hit me in my leg and give me this "daddy pick me up NOW" look and i would always comply. One time she climbed on the couch and she liked when i made punching sounds with my mouth...she would laugh so hard...i would just thank God for such a beautiful daughter. Then one day i heard her making sounds and the first word was "dada". As a man and a father i felt so proud of her. There is no better feeling other than a child noticing you or acknowledging you and they cant even walk. That was one of the best days of my life.

I remember i used to walk up every night and make sure she was comfortable. She hates to be under the cover but she likes cool air so i would wrap her up so she wouldn't get cold. She was a very active baby when she slept, she loved to move around. Nightly, i would get out of bed at least 3 to 4 times giving her a bottle, changing her or even just making sure she was on her right side or on her stomach. She loves to sleep on her right side. I used to love combing her curly hair and made little jokes and baby sounds as i did it. She is such a beautiful baby and she compliments everything that i am as a man. I never missed any of her doctors appointments even if they were 15 mins, i would take time off and be right there. I felt it was important that i was there and not just one parent to represent her. Anything that little beautiful girl wanted or needed...she got. She had almost 2 of everything, 2 beds, 2 swings, 2 walkers...it was like we bought in bulk lol. The first day she walked, i was in the kitchen and it felt like a dream. Tears filled up my eyes because it was at that moment when my little girl believed in herself and her body enough to physically support herself. This was her independence!

Nothing was ever face value for me, with her. I would always look deeper than what the situation presented. Example: I was at home in the living room with her and i was giving her "tummy time". For those of you who don't know what that is, that's when a child began to build up their mechanics and start to strengthen their body parts. As she was on her stomach i was laying down in front of her saying, "Come on mamma, i know you can do it". It was then when she looked up at me barely able to hold her head up for long periods of time, and started to cry a bit. The thing is, even though she was crying....she still was trying. It was at that moment when i felt our spirits talked. I felt like i was witnessing one of the most flawless moments ever. As she was becoming aggravated with not getting the job completely done, and tears began to fill up in her eyes...i felt her spirit say to me, "daddy im trying, im trying daddy...im not going to give up". She was basically showing me that she didnt want to let me down...thats love. I grabbed her and we laid their holding each other. I knew at that moment what kind of heart she had....my heart. Even when she didn't feel like it could be done and even though she couldn't hold her head up for that long...she still didn't give up.

I hope she carry this trait with her the rest of her life. She continues to surprise me with the things she does and even say. Now a days when i hold her in my arms, i think about my life and the drugs, guns and things i had to witness coming up. Im giving her the life i never had but she is getting the realness of it with the way i talk to her and the things i explain to her. I was walking with her in my arms, in the hallway about 2 weeks ago and i said to her, "Always watch people tay, smiles aint always what it means, remember to stay aware of where you are at and remember that daddy loves you". She just looked at me with a blank face but i knew that she understood what i meant in her spirit. "Normal" people wouldn't understand what I'm doing but this is a deeper bond I'm building with my little girl.

Two nights ago she was sleeping in her crib and i was in the bed and i woke up briefly thinking about her and at that very moment...she screamed out, "daddyyy" and then she fell back asleep. These are things that allows me to know that we are connected in ways that people would never understand. I obviously would die for her but i would give up my soul to be able to see her and be with her everyday again.

Our spirits talk all day and she tells me, "daddy i know you love me, don't worry about nothing, everything is going to be OK". The crazy thing is, even though she is 1 years old....i believe what she says with everything in me.

Daddy Loves You Taylor! (kiss)

"Word For Word" 1st Edition "Out Tha Rap Game"

Definition: Word For Word is something i decided to come up with to explain that music havent lost all of its importance. Music is suppose to be imformative and when you hear a song or a cd, you suppose to be able to at least know something about that person. Here is my Word For Word for the song "Out Tha Rap Game". This is something i wrote while ago, but i think that the picture it illustrates allows people to see what i was referring to.

"Out Tha Rap Game"

I seen my whole life flash before my eyes that night

Sold dope, packed guns, did all that right

Tha options i had wasnt all that bad

I mean, at least i had a mother in place of a dad

At least i had a lack in place of a jag

And i brag like "this tha best a nigga ever had"

Roof kinda rusty carpet kinda musty

But i rode four lanes like a boss nigga trust me

Felt hood rich couldnt nan nigga touch me

So indecisive couldnt nan nigga trust me

In middle school, ridiculed for tha wardrobes

A couple fake fubu's (no barcodes)

Starched down jeans as a freshman

Kissin cheerleaders where im from was a blessin

Them Wilson Road niggas were tha hardest

Niggas said what they wanted but we ran that regardless

Getting freaks, selling sweets out the five star

Slap boxing in tha hood taught me southpaw

I had a little incident on tha sidewalk

Yeah that butterfly knife made his side talk

10th Grade grew braids, check that hang time

Taking test and getting braided at tha same time

So many G's in my fam, i dont (own) have to fight

I guess you'll catch me in tha after life

Chorus: Ay im here now, money on my mind

Gotta give it to em now cause im running out of time

Yeah im out tha rap game, im back on my bs

Niggas call it real talk, homie i jus call it GS

Song Download : http://Ink.ms/C41rM

I wrote this some time ago but this is the name of the mixtape as well "Out Tha Rap Game". Now let me share with you how God works. As you can see, i havent always been on his side. But through just that little i shared, he has kept me. This mixtape idea came because i was like "mayne i need to go back to the old me, and leave this radio music alone". I wanted to go back to where i was from in my music, give it to people like life gave it to me. Start to talk about the guns, and drugs and women. So i was sayin that i was "Out Tha Rap Game" and now just telling a story or many stories over a beat. To me this sounded like i was accomplishing something....NO. In the midst of this project coming out (which by the way havent but will with free download) God and i had a little run in. He showed me myself in all that i was doing and the stuff i was saying. Basically he challenged me to do something that would impact people in a positive way, to teach people and not inform them of. I was taken back because i always wanted to teach people in a sense, and this would be a great way to do it.

So to conclude what im saying if you havent gotten it yet. The bible says things are predestined, meaning certain things are suppose to happen. Look at the title of that song which is the exact name of the entire mixtape..."Out Tha Rap Game". God was taking me out of that before hand and i didnt even know it. I get goosebumps when i here tha chorus and its says "gotta give it to em now cause im running out of time". Running out of time, time for what you ask...well now i ask the same question. This stuff isnt a game, this is life. Mayne, i dont know how you view it but my life has been too serious not to acknowledge certain things. God is good even when your not good to yourself.

The funny thing is, that part of the chorus when it says "im back on my bs"...people would think i mean the obvious...but when that talk with God happened...that meant "Bible Study". Wow...smh...it gets deep...i promise you will know me in the end.