"Letter To Myself"

Dear GS, Me'Lon, Binchy, GodSon or whatever you call yourself today,

I'm writing this to inform you of who you are. You seem to have forgotten where you've come from, who you know and the things you are a part of. You have seem to allow the world to separate you from what is life and what is reality. Your talents don't define you, the people you know doesn't define you, the things you have doesn't define you, you define you.

Remember this, remember when you were a kid and you told yourself you never wanted to be like that drunk man you used to see get beat up all the time. Well, you have become him...emotionally. Remember this, remember when you had no lights and your night began when the light outside came on? Well you have become that, spiritually. Remember this, remember when you used to get laughed at and talked about because you only had 3 pair of pants, and they were tight. You only had 5 shirts and they were faded. You only had 2 pairs of shoes and they were taped? Well you have become just that to the world that YOU live in.

I writing you this so you can finally free yourself. The hurt that you suffered in 2010, the embarrassment, the feeling of being replaced, the feeling of feeling like you just took it...is only a mirage now. The feeling of being forced out of a state and being forced to not see your heart (your daughter) daily anymore, is a vague memory now. The feeling of doing all you could do with the $103 you left with on Christmas day and still provide for you child, is only a distant thought now.

Today, you will put away what people did to you. You will put away the thoughts of what you gave up to make people lives comfortable when you could have given them hell. Today you will put away the feelings of hurt, shame, defeat and failure. Today, you will not stress to the point where your hand would shake until you couldn't drive, to the point where you couldn't think straight, to the point where you wanted to just die. Today, you will forget about all the calls made, only to be ignored, all the rumors of your daughters safety, the feeling of being forgotten. Today, you will not remember the sleepless nights, the crying yourself through prayers for your family, the lies being told on you and you cant defend yourself. Today, you will not ponder on the thought of not feeling accepted, wanted, desired, loved, understood or needed.

IN FACT, Today, you will put all these things behind you. I am writing you this to remind you of who you are. You are that kid who came from a broken home, watched your dad brutally beat your mother but you are still here. You are that kid that been shot at numerous times, but you are still here. You are that kid who, went to jail and all charges were dropped and is still here. You are that kid who, gave your life to a person and they watched you literally die, but you are still here. You are that MAN, who now has a daughter that speaks to your heart, daily she tells you "I love you daddy" and you are still here. I'm writing you this to let you know that you are obviously tougher than you think. You have withstood the worse of life...homelessness, death, poverty, brokenness, pain, suffering, betrayal, distrust, BUT still you stand.

I'm writing this to inform you that today as God looks down on a person who he KNOWS....is prepared to take his testimony and share it with the world...YOU ARE GREAT. You are a great father, a great man, a great person, a conqueror, a completer, a faith driven man, a confident man, a desired man, a needed man, an intelligent man but most of all, a MAN OF GOD. As you sat in that room, all alone gasping for breath and ready to let go of the very fibers of life...you said to God, "I have lost EVERYTHING, if you are God....SHOW ME". God did just that.

You are now a man of no shame, blameless, and organized. The things of this world don't entice you. The feel of a woman's body doesnt temp you but instead, the soul of a woman intrigues you. You are deeper than words, the love for your daughter is obvious no matter how much one tries to hide it. You are a changed man in Christ Jesus. You are now blessed, not only by the earth as its cool breeze scour the tops of the sands. Not only by the sky's as its brightness overlooks your life. You are what people aspire to be. You are a direct reflection of what God's mercy and grace is all about. You are made a new'.

So in conclusion of this letter to you, walk in faith, see in heart, feel in spirit and know that God is there to guide you and keep you from the snares of the wicked. Understand that life isn't always going to sway your way, but God will give you favor in the lands and a seat in the heavens. Hold on to the hand that saved you from death, that took you from shame, that removed bitterness from your life...hold on. God is not a man that he shall lie, he said, "I came to give you life, and that you will have it more abundantly". You are now living what we call, "life". Enjoy, embrace it, feel it, love it, admire it but most of all CHANGE IT.

P.S. When your daughter was born, you gave her to Christ, and God wants me to tell you that her ending will be her beginning, so rest easy and sleep well....fear not!

"A Normal Night For Me"

12:34am, I say "bye" and hangs up the phone. A feelings of faith takes over as the rest of the night begins to play itself out. Laying in a fixed position in bed for about an hour has seemed to take a toll on the lower part of my back. It wasn't pain but it was more of a subtle sharp reminder with every fast movement. After every conversation i am reminded of what my purpose is and for some reason when the conversation is over, i forget about it. It could be the act of emotional faith or could be the act of "let go and let God". I have come to realize, its not what you do FOR people, its what you do IN them.

I plug my phone into the charger, hit the light and turn over on my side. Uneasy, i began to pray. Subconsciously, i have already started praying. My spirit begins to utter words before they are spoken out loud, that seemed to have become a habit. The first words out of my mouth nightly, are prayers for my daughter. I pray more for her more than i pray for myself. Sometimes i think its God's way of sharpening me for whats to come. None of us know the future but when in hopes of great things, it seems to coral us all in.

As i continue to ask God to watch over my daughter and as i get even deeper with the words, i fall asleep. I fall asleep only to be waken hours later, urged to pray even more. I reach over and see my phone blinking and notice texts of prayer and help. Months ago, i was viewed completely different than the person i am now. Couple months ago i wanted to take my life, and now i help add to the lives of others. I look back at it all and just smile. I smile because i now see what i was suppose to have seen years ago.

Awaken at this point, i began to pray. Through habit, my daughter is the first person i ask God to protect. I then pause and feel my heart having a conversation with her as i lay there. Its like a movie being played in fast forward in my head, I'm reminded of every scene. Then i grab my phone and look at pictures of her and replay video's of her with me. As i stare at perfection in human form, my heart says "Daddy loves you Taylor" and immediately i hear her say, "Love you too daddy". I think that is the only thing that allows me to sleep at night, her response.

Finally falling back to sleep after an hour, i wake in the morning. I wake with the pressure of not being able to touch my daughters hand or wrestle with her (smile). Sometimes i just lay in bed hoping that this was all a bad dream and i wake up to life again. Then, I'm quickly reminded that isn't so. Sitting upright on the beds edge, feet touches the floor...earth becomes a part of me. Sliding my feet into my house shoes, i walk down the hall to the bathroom to start my day. Entering the room again to check the phone, i see messages of hope, love and faith. Its amazing how God works. Not even 8 hours earlier, the feel of accomplishment for these people weren't even an idea but now its an understatement. I'm reminded of a scripture that says "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy come in the morning". Weeping may endure in the fight, but joy comes in the mourning.

I went from asking people can i send them daily encouragements to know being asked to send them. I used to think that no response is a bad response...but now learning that no response is a "working in me" response. We are taught that communication is the best form of human interaction...not so. The best things said, are actually not saying anything at all....its the feel. I was reminded that "Consistency is key" (shout out to a twitter follower who tweeted that). Its never how good you do something or how much effort you put into it that time, you have to remain steady with whats applied.

I wake up with hurt, pain, feelings of defeat but i still keep moving. A person asked me, "GS, how do you help people, pray for them, encourage them and you go through as much as you do", i answered and said, "None of this is for me". All my life i always had that feeling of something missing...never knew what it was but i now feel like its close if not here. Regardless of how i feel, there is a job that God needs done and because of my past, people are a part of my future. Remember when you were young, the older people would say, "what the enemy meant for bad, God meant for good"? I see what they mean now, and that's what i meant by smiling. If i hadn't lived the life i have, been in the things i was in, done the things i did...i wouldn't be able to talk to these people. In three months, God have saved the lives (literally) of three people through me. I now know there is nothing that God cant do.

As the encouragement list grows, so does my faith and persistence. Being consistent, diligent, obedient and encouraging has proven to be a lifestyle. I've always wanted to help people and God has put that want to use. I will say that every case comes as somewhat of a challenge, but i think that's what keeps me into it. I have committed to helping others without compromising who i am as a person or Man.

So if you are reading this, and need encouragement that's un-bias, unwavering and uncompromising...God has you reading my blog for a reason...think about it.

This is a normal night for me!