Whats Your Standard

Before we get into the this topic, lets first understand what the word "standard" means. In this particular context, the word standard means: morals, ethics, established by authority, custom, or an individual as acceptable. So in simpler form, it would be safe to say that standards would mean, what you stand for or the esteem of which you hold yourself in.

There is an issue that i seem to continue to come across and its "order". Everyone seem to have an order for themselves but when someone else is added to the equation, somehow that order chances. Of course we have specific goals for ourselves but would those goals be less important if they went against what we ultimately believed in. For example:

There was a young lady who meet two different couples. Both were around the same age, mid to late 20's and they both were fairly new couples. The difference was, one couple went to church often with one another, prayed together on occasion and also read the bible together...we will call them "Couple A". "Couple B" was more so of the free spirit couple as some would say. They lived life as it came, went to church occasionally, didn't have a serious relationship with God but knew him enough to understand what he represented. Couple A, was looked upon as the "boring couple" who never really did anything. They would just go to church, hang out afterwards and go out and eat, movies or just visit the park from time to time. They really didn't do much, or it seemed that way. Couple B, they seem to have had all the fun. They took endless trips, went to parties, drink together and even got matching tattoo's in private areas.

Couple B, would post pics on facebook all the time of where they were and what they were doing. They even posted pics that would seem to only be for their mate but made it for the whole world to see online. They were very popular and everyone knew them, they were invited to all the events, got into VIP at all of them and even lived an "above average lifestyle". Couple A, seem to have lost the fun for life. They just used to read together alot, spend much of their time talking and getting into deep conversations about life and how a person mind thinks. Instead of just getting up and going on trips, they would plan them out months in advance. It wasn't much excitement going on in their relationship.

Couple B, months in, began to get much closer than normal. Nights of dinner partying and drinking would then lead to sleepovers. Needless to say that most people put a time limit on a sexual encounter but they felt sense they "vibe" together well, they took the dive. After then months after the sleepovers began, they began to stay at one another place so much until they moved in with one another. By this time they are in a full relationship with all the perks of a marriage. Couple A, months in, very rarely entertained one another company after the hours of 11pm. They just seemed to enjoy one another company without adding an outside element as a form of "something missing". They would do things like cook for one another, watch movies and have conversations about how they could impact the people not only around them but others as well. Even the young lady who met both couples seemed to be more interested in telling the stories of Couple B rather than Couple A. Honestly, to the listener or reader, Couple B would be the more popular couple based on society standards of what fun is.

So at this point I'm sure you know that Couple B are having sex and much of it. I mean, drinking and some smoking provoke this activity much more. Couple A has done some things but not much. I mean some kissing has happened, maybe even some massages but nothing passed that point. Also i would like to remind you that both men and woman in both couples are desired heavily by the opposite sex.

So as this young lady begins to continue to tell me the story, she skips all the way to the second year. She then begins to tell me about the couples two years from when they met and how they are doing now. She says that Couple A, had gotten married after a year and also that they bought themselves a home and are expecting there first child. They still go to church together, still read together, still pray together and they wrote a book together titled, "What I Thought". It was a book about her point of view, how she sometimes wanted the physical part to go farther but didn't want to damage their walk with God. Also about how he treated her compared to her past. Also, how he respected her body as much as he respected her opinion. Couple B, well they are still together but barely. They still party but not like they used to. They go out now but its mostly alone and occasionally catch one another in the same place. After giving one another everything you would give a husband or wife only after 3 months, they had nothing else left. They found out that the time spent around other people really ruined their relationship communication. They don't know much about one another and cant even come to an agreement on simple things like kinds of food to buy. They share a child and that's one of the main reasons they are still together. They say they will both raise him "right" but have different point of views on how that will happen..i guess they didn't pick that up in the beginning.

So in all, Couple A seemed to be the more dry/boring couple but seemed to have had morals in place from the beginning. Whereas, Couple B decided to do what they "feel" and their feelings led them to a place where they cant get that time back.

In relationships its seems to be hard but the hard part is not taking your future into your own hands.

MEN!!! You are the head of whatever relationship you decide to enter into so because of your responsibility, you have to make decisions that would benefit the future and not necessarily that moment. If you can protect a woman from an intruder, than you can protect a woman from you and your lustful thoughts or feelings. If a MAN cant control himself in the presence of a woman he feels God sent him, then how could you lead her somewhere she has never been.

WOMEN!!! When a man is nice, or says he loves you or treats you well or brings you flowers or compliments you or make you feel special....IT DOESN'T MEAN his reward should be sex. That is the one thing that God sees as a covenant between wife and husband. Neither one of you "deserve" that yet.

In GS terms "ay shawt, i aint tryn to git nuthin you got until its a rang on somebody fanga up in hea, str8 up".

We often look at the "fun" someone is having, all the things they have, the places they go, the stuff they do...but after reading Psalm 37:1-2 "Fret not yourself because of evildoers; be not envious or wrongdoers! For they will soon fade like the grass and wither like the green herb". Notice that it didn't say "the things they have" but it said "they will" meaning the people. We have to understand that our choices determine our outcome. We have seen many times that unpopular nerd in school become a president but the popular guy become someone no one ever thought he would be.

Take your time, enjoy one another...don't let the world dictate what you should do for him/her. When you add God to any equation...(allow God to LEAD) there is no way that the direction you go is nothing less than where he wants you.

So in conclusion i ask, whats your standard...what do you stand for, a continued prosperous life or a life that allows immediate satisfaction that brings future hurt?

The Unthinkable

Imagine being at work all day, tired from not getting much sleep the night before. You barely can wait until lunch time so you can visit your favorite eating spot. You walk in, they recognize you and you say, "I'll have what i normally get". You make it to the register and the clerk says, "OK that would be sixteen dollars and twenty three cent please". This is whats considered a normal day for you. Maybe grabbing a quick breakfast before rushing out the door for work, lunch and then dinner is a complete day. Maybe in a day you spend close to $30 on just food. Now imagine someone not being able to eat $30 dollars worth of food in 9 months.

For most of us, the thought of skipping a meal is almost humorous but it has become a fatal reality for some 29,000 Somali kids. On August 4, 2011 it was reported that 29,000 Somali kids died in 9 months from famine. There is a lack of water, food and help in Somalia. Different parts of Africa have and has been affected badly and when I heard of this, I reached out to gain more information about it. I was able to contact a long time friend (of a friend of mine) who is a Missionary there and had a skype conversation with him. He explained to me that it is worse than any human could imagine. He informed me of the lack of clean water and no electricity amongst the food being scarce. He explained how people there are so in need that they take chances with their lives just to eat some food and drink water. The living conditions there are unthinkable not to mention unhealthy and unsafe. He told me a story about a little boy there that touched my heart deeply.

He said there was a little boy (around 8 or 9) who mother and father died earlier this year from aids. His neighbor took him in but his neighbor was an alcoholic and also was abusive so the little boy ran away. The Missionary goes out to these towns to preach the word of God and share snacks or whatever he can take to feed the people as he encourages them. He said the little boy always would come to the meetings and one day he had a conversation with him. Being young he was very open about his life and the Missionary wanted to cry but didn't because he wanted to be strong for the boy. At that moment he was told that the little boy too has aids as well. He then asked the boy, "If you could have anything, what would it be". The boy replied and said, "before my mom and dad died they promised me a bike" then he lowered his head. This little boy could have asked for food, shelter or even life but he asked for a bike. Maybe that bike meant more to him than we could ever imagine. Confidently the Missionary said, "we will get you a bike". Not knowing where he would even get the money for a bike, he just believed that God would see the little boys heart and make a way. A lady came up to the Missionary 2 weeks later at a meeting and said, "God put on my heart to give you my tithes, its not much but i want you to have it". The Missionary seen this as a blessing and immediately asked God, "What do i do with this Lord". Then he remembered the little boy from 2 weeks before. Obviously not having enough money for a bike he continued to believe and looked for a bike at a nearby store but the price was too high then he began to pray even more. All of a sudden the bike went on sale and the price of the bike was the exact amount of money he had gotten from the lady. He bought the bike and the very next day the price on the bike went back up.

During our skype conversation, he showed me the bike he had gotten to present to the little boy. Just the sheer excitement from him lit a fire in me to want to reach out to them even more. After that skype conversation I was encouraged and hurt at the same time. I began to pray and tears rolled down my eyes remembering the things he had shared with me. I prayed and God showed me a way that i could help.

I have a mixtape series called "Warning Before Destruction" and I never knew why I called my first one that but God was preparing me for moments like this. Warning Before Destruction is not just a title but it means that at any moment we could become the less fortunate. Its a constant reminder as well of the world we live in.

I created a wrist bands that reads "Warning Before Destruction" for the "Africa Famine Relief" and they are available for purchase @ ThisIsGS.com. More than half the proceeds will go directly to the affected areas in Africa. I ask you to open your hearts and support a cause that is in dyer need of your help. Tell a friend, pass on the message but help as much as you can...your contributions will make a difference. I as well as Africa thanks you in advance.

Do, Think, Feel

Walking through the house staring at every wall i pass by kind of reminds me of places i have been before. Its like i pass those walls daily but it seems that every wall has some sort of story, some sort of memory that occurred in front it. Its like that familiar place that we have visited often and thought that maybe we wouldn't see this place again but somehow we keep finding ourselves right back where we began. We then ask our self, "what did i do to get here" but often times its nothing you did but rather something you thought or felt.

There was a young man who often found himself right back in situations that he had thought he bypassed years ago. It seemed like when he would have his back against the wall, he would look at the entire picture, figure out the lesson God wanted him to learn and then he would walk away from it. He assumed that he was able to overcome the situation with action. Its like, if your car is running bad. You can feel the difference in the ride and the "check engine light" flashes. You hook the vehicle up to the machine to check the problem...you find the problem and fix it. The vehicle is back running great but for some reason the check engine light just will not go off. Many of us are "running well" but we still have that check engine light on.

Many of us find our self back in the same area of trial, not because of our our actions but because of how we THINK and FEEL. OK, lets dissect this for a minute. You could always have a great job and financial obligations are met on time but so some reason your social and romantic life is a constant struggle. Maybe you are known by many people, popularity level is at an all time high but their is a sense of discomfort you feel in environments where you are suppose to feel the comfort. In this case that I'm speaking of (that relates to the two i just stated) its that area of pain or physical burden. Maybe you cant keep a car, a job, a mate, a friend, a house or something that would seem to make life a but more comforting for you.

You began to ask God, "what did i do"? God never reveals to you anything because its not something you may have done but something you thought of felt.

Being vain or vague, requires not only a belief that you are one of the best things physically that has happened to the earth but it also has a thought and feel that comes along with it. People often say, "when i look good i feel good"...may be true but sometimes you can feel that you look too good and feel too good about it. Because you may understand at some point that its unattractive and you calm it down, but the "thought" and "feel" may still be very much alive.

So as it relates to circumstance, you may not be demonstrating the action of such things but the thought and feel may still be alive which is more painful and deadly. A person can THINK themselves into a sickness. A person can feel themselves into pain. Its the thought process that often tells us that we "can't" or "not now". Its often the feeling area that reminds us "no this is the way they meant it" or "they don't care about you like you do". It forces us to become more of an individual rather than a active member of society...in every way.

As it relates to scripture, Romans 12:2 "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed but the renewal of your MIND, that by testing you may DISCERN what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

So understand that you may be falling in the same areas because your mind and heart is not right. Maybe you haven't forgiven some one for something and want God to forgive you. Maybe you "feel" someone thinks or feels a certain way about you so you act a certain way towards them, but you never had a conversation so you don't really know....reaction to no action. If our minds and hearts have the power to heal and fix, it most definitely have the power to restore.

Ask God to press the reset button on your heart and mind. Ask God to give you a heart after his own heart and a mind that's renewed and discerning. Because, although you may no feel you have something wrong, your check engine light may still be on...there is still some maintenance there that needs to be fixed.

And if by any chance you are reading this and life is great and perfect...i challenge you to ask God to show you your heart and mind...you may be surprised but the response.

#WarningBeforeDestruction

"The Release"

I first pose a question to anyone who is about to read this, have you ever liked/loved someone so much until you lost who you were? Well many people have but that is not the issue, the issue is finding out how did it get to that point.

There are relationships today that exist that are so one-sided until the thought of asking for equality is like an insult. Unfortunately, we emotionally hold ourselves hostage in our own fear of change. I researched this topic and realized that the number one reason for broken homes and broken marriages, is based on the idea of "change". What happens is, we get used to a person...the way they talk, live, act, laugh and then its even worse when family is involved. You cant get advice from everyone. That person is you best friend its seems but in reality they are your "hurt". You depend on their opinion and even though you may not even take there advice on something, the thought of what they said is lingering in your head as you take action. You began to look at the "potential" of a person appose to what they actually show you.

I reminded of a term that is universal but not often broken down..."Action Speaks Louder Than Words". Everyone has said this one time or another. In fact, action does speak louder than words but what about when words are louder than actions. Sounds like i just said it backwards but if you really pay attention to the wording you will see that this is what today's society goes by. Let me explain...

When our parents were growing up, it was a "process" called courtship. A courtship is when 2 people (male and female) agree on a period of time in which they would grow fond of one another. The interesting part about courtship that i read was, when it said "its the establishment of an agreed relationship of a more ENDURING kind". This was before the marriage or kids. This was the "dating" process. So back then when you first met a person, expectations were already placed on the relationship unknowingly. That was the "mind state" of a person. Their standards where much higher than now. Enduring (a tolerance of something or someone) was a practice during the process. I wondered why but then i thought, if they were to endure what a person would say or do...they, at that point...would REALLY know who the person was they were with. Their actions spoke louder than their words. WOW!!

Here in this generation we feel like we have it all mapped out because of technology. When in fact, technology is one of the MAIN reasons for most broken homes today. Instead of a call, we text...instead of a kiss, we message a kiss (muah)...instead of a huge, we message a huge (xoxo). Its become impersonal. I have never heard the words "I LOVE YOU" used so much as i do today. We (us, our generation) hang on "titles"....that's my "boo" or "my man" or "my chick". We have become comfortable with a title that was made up and not the actual action of a wife or husband. If you study the times in which social networking was introduced, you would notice a huge increase in divorces and also "emotional distress" cases. Also an increase in depression as well. We corner our partners and say, "tell me you love me" or "tell me something you like about me" when this should to be a daily thing without asking for it. We have gotten away from the essence of what a man's role and a woman's is in a relationship. We hang more on what a person says instead of what they do and become comfortable with that. Their words speaks louder than their actions.

When you wholeheartedly want to please a person or want to make them happy, you do any and everything. You love them when you "feel" they don't love you back. You smile when you don't really want to. You want to be around them but know the feeling isn't mutual. But because you "feel" they could be much better, you love them anyway. No matter how much they ignore you, or how much they treat you wrong...you keep loving. Sometimes you ask yourself, "why"...why am i even doing this. Then one day you get flowers, or a nice message that lights up your day...then its right back to the norm. Have you been that neglected to where FLOWERS make you want to stay? Is the "I Love You" MESSAGE enough to keep you in a place where cant even breathe. You somehow lose the passion for wanting to please yourself and solely focus it on another person. You lose what YOU meant to you, how happy you were with your own company or what it means to really smile and feel it on the inside. You've lost you!

Becoming comfortable with the "amount" of attention you receive from your partner, increase or decrease the amount of happiness. Your partner should know when you want to be hugged or complimented or held. They should know when to console you, when to give your space or comfort you. That's when they invest time in you to know you. Today we only invest in stock, and most of us aren't good at that either. Then your hear a male or female say, "I don't need all that" then months later they aren't together because there was no communication. Where are the expectations today? When did getting the bare minimum from your mate become the norm? Men say they cant find "wifey" and a woman says "aint no mo good men out here". The problem is, you haven't released.

The bible says in Matthews 9:16 "No man putteth a piece of new cloth unto an old garment, for that which is put in to fill it up taketh from the garment, and the rent is made worse".

What happens is, we take our broken relationship into our new one. Maybe you didn't trust your old mate, but you trust your new one. Maybe you weren't really happy in your old relationship but you are happy in this one. Those things are obvious, what about the things that aren't? Like, when they say something you don't like...your reaction is the same as the past relationship. When they say "no", you react like you used to. You may have fixed what you seen, but did you fix what really needed to be fixed. "A piece of new cloth unto an old garment" we are setting ourselves up to fail from the beginning.

There is a "release" that needs to take place within before you can start to see the results that are made clear. You may in fact have a "big heart" or be a "sweet person" but your inside could be damaged from years and years of relationships gone wrong. You are mentally, emotionally and physically stunting your growth. Once you "release", you began all over brand new...from scratch so to speak. This is were Jesus comes into play.

2 Corinthians 5:17 says "Therefore is any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

We go through this life picking up habits, lifestyles, thoughts, ways to make us "fit in" somehow but forget the most important thing...our relationship with God.

Its time to not only acknowledge that our life has trash in it, but its time to pull all the trash and garbage from ALL areas of our life and toss it out. Ask God for a clean slate, a new beginning filled with expectations and love like he loves. Ask for direction and patience while you wait. The best part about a release is, when its gone...its REALLY gone. Not only you are in awe but the people around you as well.

We often say "I have to go back to my roots" or "find myself", well our root are actually our creator. The only way you can find yourself is finding the being that created you, so he can remind you of who you really are. A person can tell you many great things about yourself but if you the person, don't believe them...their words are without a direction. Would a swimmer practice for a meet on a court with basketball players? No, but this is what we often do. We run to every other source for preparation for life, and forget to go to the one who gave it (God). So in return we get the watered down version of what we really suppose to have in life....and we live with it. Its time out for being "unhappy", treated "regular"...you are a WOMAN/MAN and its time for you to receive what God has for you. Walk in faith!

RELEASE YOURSELF!

"Husbands and Wives"

While sitting in the park watching couples interact and laugh, I reflect on what i really see. Things on the outside looks great. Its almost like the model that seems to have every man drooling and get exclusive access to places because of her beauty but is torn in the inside. No stability, no comfort, no certainty. As i looked at the couples, i found out that there is a deeper problem in society today...that's understanding. Let me explain further...

If you were to get into your car (a reliable source of commuting too and fro) and notice that the gas is low...the next decision you would make is where is the nearest gas station. You would mentally prepare yourself for what is necessary for you to continue to be able to enjoy your vehicle without any mechanical interruptions. You would not only know WHERE to go to get this, but also HOW LONG it would take you to get there and also HOW MUCH you will put in. Now, go along with me...If this is something that you RELY on daily and you DEPEND on it, why don't we put this much work into our lives and heart?

I began to look at the ways we communicate as male and females. I understand that if being approached by a male saying "ay psssss, ay let me holla at you" shouldn't get your attention but in some cases it does. While the gentleman way of an approach, "Excuse me, i couldn't help but notice your presence...my name is (handshake)" seems to only exist in novels or romance movies. See these are things that society has deemed as "weak" or "no game". Why must a real man need game to not game a real woman? When does the genuine person get introduced?

Then i began to look at the way we view one another. We normally go for the "look" of a person instead of what we cant see. IF FAITH IS THE THINGS THAT ARE HOPED FOR BUT NOT SEEN, (and that's the greatest belief to have) WHY CANT THE UNSEEN IN A MAN OR WOMAN BE THE GREATEST FOR YOU? We get stuck on "how he makes me feel" (which last as long as your tweet or update on facebook) "he makes me smile" (is smiling what your really doing, or being entertained) "he doesn't judge me" (in relationships judgement is a form of correction) "her body is soo sexy" (give it some time, it fades) "she makes feel like the man" (so you want someone who feeds your ego)....all these things i just named are natural...can be seen.

Then we get into the POTENTIAL of a person. The "he/she has a great heart" or "they are really sweet people". Then you have a lot of people who aren't single, but really are. Their relationship is a reflection of what they want instead of what they need. We fall in love with the very idea of loving someone and make it work. Example: I was driving days ago and i suffered a blown tire. I make my way to a tire store that told me that, that tire for my rims would cost me $180. I said, "what, you gotta be kiddin me". Then he said, "now we have another tire in the back that's used, it has minor damage but it will work". I began to think about it...i thought well i do want to get rid of my rims and get some new ones so i wont have the tire for long so yeah. I then say, "aight how much yall go hit me fo", "ummmm $30 dollars out the door". I say, "cool lets do it". I had the money but didnt want to spend it because of a THOUGHT.

Its just like relationship expectations....we put people (used tire) in our lives that only suppose to be there for a while but MAKE them work. When in fact, we could have just gotten the new tire. True, it would be a sudden change, a momentary discomfort, a little wait but it would have been brand new...with A WARRANTY. Making something work instead of working for it to work is societies definition of a "happy home" or "healthy relationship". We constantly say, "im tryn to make it work"...is good when the intent is there. When i say intent, i mean heart...when i say heart...i mean God. Now correct me if im wrong, the bible says, "Only God knows the heart". So, if God is the only person that knows the heart...how can our intent be there when he isn't present?

I once said in a song "If im really that good, or really that great, then why am i from the hood and feel like death is my fate/ then he (God) said wait, i died to give you life and a great one...you didnt have patience so you made one...that was your fault"!

See we act on our own accounts and then want to ask God to fix it. Can a doctor sew back on an arm and make it fully operational once its been severed? Can you put air in a basketball and expect it to work perfectly if it has a gash in it? No, we have to not call on God AFTER...the fall but call on him BEFORE the triumph.

I once again said in a song "I know you wanna ask him (God) where yo life at, woman where yo man at and men where you wife at...his love will take you where they flying them kites at but yo faith is where they spend saturday nights at, the club/ sin got you like a drug so you bypass a MAN and spend yo life with a SCRUB"

Women go for that man that "has alot in common with me" and men goes for that woman that "don't run her mouth as much". These things are standards set by society. Actually they are lowered standards if you really think about it. I asked a person once, "if i was sick or down and didn't know what to do, what would you do"? She said, "I would pray for you, OUT LOUD". Just imagine what the answer would be from a God sent, God fearing woman.

I didn't write this to make anyone feel less of a person because of how they think or who they are with, but i have been noticing the increase in failed relationships. Its time we stop pointing the finger and start looking at ourselves...you could be establishing a life of ruin based on "happiness". The bible does say, "seek happiness" but it also says "there is a time to cry", do we go around crying all day? There is an order in which things should be done.

So, that man you see around that has that great personality or that woman that you see that has that great body...could be yours if you obey the word. God said, "i will give you the DESIRES of your heart" but he also said, "do not be unequally yoked". He also said "he that finds a wife, finds a good thing" but he also said "a quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm". One scripture sums this up "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added to you". There you have it!!

When dealing with relationships, you are dealing with another being, another soul, another spirit...God has the answers.

I heard a person say, "imma jus do me for a while" or "im tryn to find myself". You cant "do you" or "find yourself" if God is not involved. If we were created in his likeness and image, only he can help us find ourselves...we came from him ORIGINALLY. In that time of confusion, God wants you alone...all to him so he has time to work on you. You ever wonder why when you are at your weakest...Mr. "great" comes along...then turns out not so great...its deception by the enemy. The enemy uses anger to show us "avenues" and we take them and damage ourselves more. The bible says that the enemy is NOW ATTACKING THE MIND. The way we think, the way we view things, people and life. Don't be confused by this...the bible will give you guidance.

If you are just patient, wait on God and obey....God will give you your desires....he promised it and God don't lie.

"Three Church Services"

Its Saturday night, I'm finding it hard to sleep. Maybe it was because of the nap i took earlier or maybe the fact that when my daughter is on my mind, i pray until i fall asleep. But regardless of what it was i had to be up the next morning for a 9:45am church service. Waking up through the night periodically and praying myself to sleep, i learned that even that would become a task in itself. I woke up, grabbed my phone and time reads 7:13am...then i go back to sleep thinking, "I got one more hour". I wake up again, grab my phone and the time reads 8:07am...at that point i just lay there and removed the thought of going back to sleep. I had gotten invited to a service by a friend so i really wanted to be there. I asked my nephew (which has become my son) to go with me like most places i go. I didn't know today it would change the way i view church entirely.

Jumping out of bed like i normally do, i call over to my nephew and tell him, "Ay get ready bro, we outta hea in a minute". He slowly pulls his 14 year old 6'0 frame out of bed and staggers his way to the bathroom. I get ready and then i edge his hair line up. I always feel that looking good is not only a physical thing but it affects you mentally as well. Plus he always talks about how i cut my hair every 3 days lol. So as I'm finishing up, i have on some jean pants, black dress shoes, black dress shirt, tie and vest. I walk into the room and my nephew has on jean pants, black shoes, black dress shoes, tie and vest. I gave a little smirk and said, "you look fly bro, lets move around".

Honestly, i didn't have alot growing up and didn't officially wear my first tie until i was about 25. My nephew does alot of what i do so i be sure to explain to him difficult things and allow him to understand things that would seem simple but important. We get to the church and the atmosphere was so different. First of all, this church was huge. It was so big, it had its own tour guide. People were rolling in and people were rolling out like watching a gathering on TV in fast forward. They had free donuts and coffee, there own Starbucks style set up and also a store, a upstairs visiting center and a info desk. I felt like Will Smith in Men In Black, well and it was a predominately Caucasian church so (shrug). As people are walking around in cargo shorts and tees, i start to feel like i overdressed. I was standing by the info desk and a lady comes up and says, "love the vests, i didn't get the memo" lol. We all start to laugh and she introduces herself and she was so friendly and welcoming. Told me, "If its anything you need let me know" she points upstairs and say "that's my office up there, if you would like a tour after service, stop by". I already felt like i had been there before and not those first time feels that you get. As we are walking into the service, a lady at the entrance of that door greets us. She hands us a pencil and a "Listening Guide". This Guide was a four page fold out pamphlet that helps the members go along with the message. It had fill in spot where you could fill in scriptures as the service progressed. I walk in take my seat in the upper level and become more comfortable than i ever had been in church. This place, had no dress code, no particular way to look, they had drinks in the service area, and they teach instead of Preach. Some people need to be taught, others could use a little preaching. The service ends, i was invited to lunch but had to decline because i had a second church service to go to that started at 11:15am. I get in the car and my nephew says, "I like it here, its different but i like it". Understandingly so, i cut my GPS on and head to the next church.

As we are pulling up, this church is alot smaller than the church we just left, not one Caucasian attends the church and "dressing up" is unspoken but mandatory. Parking my car on the grass near a ditch, i get out and walk into the church. Upon opening the door to go in, i hear the old door hinge sound as i slowly pull it open. I push my way through the swing doors shortly ahead and take my seat in the seating. It was about 30 people total in the service including the kids. There was a huge age gap between the ages though. The oldest was in their 70's or 80's and the youngest was about 7. It was like 6 teenagers and 4 people in their 20's. The feel was a bit different, they preached there as well. The examples given in the message were those of whom attend....example: "When you text in church or talk in church or play in church, you are not tuned into God". That message had to have been geared towards the 6 teenagers and the 4 twenty year olds. Shortly after hearing that, i receive a text message being invited to another church. I respond back, "ok imma slide thru for a min". Politely i get up and make my way out to my car. My nephew comes along as well. He gets in the car and says, "Unc im glad we leaving". I say, "its all good nephew".

I GPS my third church and began to go. I pull up into this church, the concrete is un level and just parking would seem to be damaging to your suspension. I park anyway, God is the purpose after all. As i walk up the handicap ramp i notice a sign on the door and its an under construction sign. Its stating that there are areas in the church that are under construction, please be aware. I walk in, noticing its only about 12 people total and that's including the pastor. The person that invited me wasn't even there. Sitting down, immediately i felt the feel of abandonment. They took up offering, unfortunately this was my third time giving offering so it wasn't as much as i gave at the first church. As I'm dropping the money in the plate, i couldn't help but notice the small amount of money that was given. I used to go to the church as a kid so the people that were there knew me but were too ashamed to even look at me and speak. That church preached as well. This church message was more so about current events...example: "Did you hear about the woman in NY that drowned herself and her three kids? Did you see whats happening in other countries, you need to get your lives right. Look at your neighbor and say, i don't wanna go to hell". My nephew attempts to make the moment better, he looks at me and says, "Unc i don't wanna go to hell, i heard its hot" lol. I laugh but understood what he was doing. About 15 minutes into the service, i feel nothing at all and decide to leave. I walk out, wave at the pastor and get into my car.

Now you may be wondering as to why im sharing this with you, but the significance of the three churches are us as people. Some of us are like the first church with not only the appearance of perfection but also the strive and progress for it. Some are like the second church, focusing on people around you and completely detaching yourself away from people even yourself. Then some are like the third church, clearly on your last leg and don't know what to do to fight yourself back in the game.

Today i realized that a great church home, is very important to who you are as a person. Even if you visit this place once a week. You see, we are spiritual beings, we are born and created in the likeness and image of God who communicates with us through the spirit. If your spirit is not being refreshed, not being renewed, not being increased, you start to notice it right away. You start to have self issues, relationship issues, home issues, job issues, financial issues and the list goes on. But when you are in a spiritual place with God, you not only feel but know everything is going to be just fine. God embeds in your spirit visit after visit a peace that surpass all understanding.

One church i went to because i was invited, the other because my family attends it and the other because its been a while since i had gone. You the person, have to figure out what church is best for you. Your "church" is not only your being, but also where your worship. Allow yourself to be increased and grow in the Lord.

It seems like relationships are the biggest problems today, and you can look at it that way as well. There are some that seem perfect and working towards that. There are some that are detached but trying to make it work the best way possible. Then there is the ones that hang on and are really over. As long as we choose our church or relationship, we will continue to get our responses and outcomes. But, when we allow God to spiritually make that decision for us....we increase.

Mark 10:9 NIV "Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate".

"Letter To Myself"

Dear GS, Me'Lon, Binchy, GodSon or whatever you call yourself today,

I'm writing this to inform you of who you are. You seem to have forgotten where you've come from, who you know and the things you are a part of. You have seem to allow the world to separate you from what is life and what is reality. Your talents don't define you, the people you know doesn't define you, the things you have doesn't define you, you define you.

Remember this, remember when you were a kid and you told yourself you never wanted to be like that drunk man you used to see get beat up all the time. Well, you have become him...emotionally. Remember this, remember when you had no lights and your night began when the light outside came on? Well you have become that, spiritually. Remember this, remember when you used to get laughed at and talked about because you only had 3 pair of pants, and they were tight. You only had 5 shirts and they were faded. You only had 2 pairs of shoes and they were taped? Well you have become just that to the world that YOU live in.

I writing you this so you can finally free yourself. The hurt that you suffered in 2010, the embarrassment, the feeling of being replaced, the feeling of feeling like you just took it...is only a mirage now. The feeling of being forced out of a state and being forced to not see your heart (your daughter) daily anymore, is a vague memory now. The feeling of doing all you could do with the $103 you left with on Christmas day and still provide for you child, is only a distant thought now.

Today, you will put away what people did to you. You will put away the thoughts of what you gave up to make people lives comfortable when you could have given them hell. Today you will put away the feelings of hurt, shame, defeat and failure. Today, you will not stress to the point where your hand would shake until you couldn't drive, to the point where you couldn't think straight, to the point where you wanted to just die. Today, you will forget about all the calls made, only to be ignored, all the rumors of your daughters safety, the feeling of being forgotten. Today, you will not remember the sleepless nights, the crying yourself through prayers for your family, the lies being told on you and you cant defend yourself. Today, you will not ponder on the thought of not feeling accepted, wanted, desired, loved, understood or needed.

IN FACT, Today, you will put all these things behind you. I am writing you this to remind you of who you are. You are that kid who came from a broken home, watched your dad brutally beat your mother but you are still here. You are that kid that been shot at numerous times, but you are still here. You are that kid who, went to jail and all charges were dropped and is still here. You are that kid who, gave your life to a person and they watched you literally die, but you are still here. You are that MAN, who now has a daughter that speaks to your heart, daily she tells you "I love you daddy" and you are still here. I'm writing you this to let you know that you are obviously tougher than you think. You have withstood the worse of life...homelessness, death, poverty, brokenness, pain, suffering, betrayal, distrust, BUT still you stand.

I'm writing this to inform you that today as God looks down on a person who he KNOWS....is prepared to take his testimony and share it with the world...YOU ARE GREAT. You are a great father, a great man, a great person, a conqueror, a completer, a faith driven man, a confident man, a desired man, a needed man, an intelligent man but most of all, a MAN OF GOD. As you sat in that room, all alone gasping for breath and ready to let go of the very fibers of life...you said to God, "I have lost EVERYTHING, if you are God....SHOW ME". God did just that.

You are now a man of no shame, blameless, and organized. The things of this world don't entice you. The feel of a woman's body doesnt temp you but instead, the soul of a woman intrigues you. You are deeper than words, the love for your daughter is obvious no matter how much one tries to hide it. You are a changed man in Christ Jesus. You are now blessed, not only by the earth as its cool breeze scour the tops of the sands. Not only by the sky's as its brightness overlooks your life. You are what people aspire to be. You are a direct reflection of what God's mercy and grace is all about. You are made a new'.

So in conclusion of this letter to you, walk in faith, see in heart, feel in spirit and know that God is there to guide you and keep you from the snares of the wicked. Understand that life isn't always going to sway your way, but God will give you favor in the lands and a seat in the heavens. Hold on to the hand that saved you from death, that took you from shame, that removed bitterness from your life...hold on. God is not a man that he shall lie, he said, "I came to give you life, and that you will have it more abundantly". You are now living what we call, "life". Enjoy, embrace it, feel it, love it, admire it but most of all CHANGE IT.

P.S. When your daughter was born, you gave her to Christ, and God wants me to tell you that her ending will be her beginning, so rest easy and sleep well....fear not!

"A Normal Night For Me"

12:34am, I say "bye" and hangs up the phone. A feelings of faith takes over as the rest of the night begins to play itself out. Laying in a fixed position in bed for about an hour has seemed to take a toll on the lower part of my back. It wasn't pain but it was more of a subtle sharp reminder with every fast movement. After every conversation i am reminded of what my purpose is and for some reason when the conversation is over, i forget about it. It could be the act of emotional faith or could be the act of "let go and let God". I have come to realize, its not what you do FOR people, its what you do IN them.

I plug my phone into the charger, hit the light and turn over on my side. Uneasy, i began to pray. Subconsciously, i have already started praying. My spirit begins to utter words before they are spoken out loud, that seemed to have become a habit. The first words out of my mouth nightly, are prayers for my daughter. I pray more for her more than i pray for myself. Sometimes i think its God's way of sharpening me for whats to come. None of us know the future but when in hopes of great things, it seems to coral us all in.

As i continue to ask God to watch over my daughter and as i get even deeper with the words, i fall asleep. I fall asleep only to be waken hours later, urged to pray even more. I reach over and see my phone blinking and notice texts of prayer and help. Months ago, i was viewed completely different than the person i am now. Couple months ago i wanted to take my life, and now i help add to the lives of others. I look back at it all and just smile. I smile because i now see what i was suppose to have seen years ago.

Awaken at this point, i began to pray. Through habit, my daughter is the first person i ask God to protect. I then pause and feel my heart having a conversation with her as i lay there. Its like a movie being played in fast forward in my head, I'm reminded of every scene. Then i grab my phone and look at pictures of her and replay video's of her with me. As i stare at perfection in human form, my heart says "Daddy loves you Taylor" and immediately i hear her say, "Love you too daddy". I think that is the only thing that allows me to sleep at night, her response.

Finally falling back to sleep after an hour, i wake in the morning. I wake with the pressure of not being able to touch my daughters hand or wrestle with her (smile). Sometimes i just lay in bed hoping that this was all a bad dream and i wake up to life again. Then, I'm quickly reminded that isn't so. Sitting upright on the beds edge, feet touches the floor...earth becomes a part of me. Sliding my feet into my house shoes, i walk down the hall to the bathroom to start my day. Entering the room again to check the phone, i see messages of hope, love and faith. Its amazing how God works. Not even 8 hours earlier, the feel of accomplishment for these people weren't even an idea but now its an understatement. I'm reminded of a scripture that says "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy come in the morning". Weeping may endure in the fight, but joy comes in the mourning.

I went from asking people can i send them daily encouragements to know being asked to send them. I used to think that no response is a bad response...but now learning that no response is a "working in me" response. We are taught that communication is the best form of human interaction...not so. The best things said, are actually not saying anything at all....its the feel. I was reminded that "Consistency is key" (shout out to a twitter follower who tweeted that). Its never how good you do something or how much effort you put into it that time, you have to remain steady with whats applied.

I wake up with hurt, pain, feelings of defeat but i still keep moving. A person asked me, "GS, how do you help people, pray for them, encourage them and you go through as much as you do", i answered and said, "None of this is for me". All my life i always had that feeling of something missing...never knew what it was but i now feel like its close if not here. Regardless of how i feel, there is a job that God needs done and because of my past, people are a part of my future. Remember when you were young, the older people would say, "what the enemy meant for bad, God meant for good"? I see what they mean now, and that's what i meant by smiling. If i hadn't lived the life i have, been in the things i was in, done the things i did...i wouldn't be able to talk to these people. In three months, God have saved the lives (literally) of three people through me. I now know there is nothing that God cant do.

As the encouragement list grows, so does my faith and persistence. Being consistent, diligent, obedient and encouraging has proven to be a lifestyle. I've always wanted to help people and God has put that want to use. I will say that every case comes as somewhat of a challenge, but i think that's what keeps me into it. I have committed to helping others without compromising who i am as a person or Man.

So if you are reading this, and need encouragement that's un-bias, unwavering and uncompromising...God has you reading my blog for a reason...think about it.

This is a normal night for me!

My Purpose All Along

I was in the 5th grade, 10 year old boy clueless about life and what it had to offer. My mother kept us in church and made sure that we participated in each and every service. I played the drums until i was about 17 years old. I had a gift but then again i had many gifts, some of which i left fade away. But, i remember...there was this feeling i would get when i went to this particular church. It wasn't a bad feeling, it was more so a feeling of "placement" if you will. I felt like i was suppose to be at that exact place at that exact time, its like life was in perfect alignment when i went there. As a kid i always showed off on the drums, but there was this kid...this little dark brown skin kid that would just sit and watch me every service. He was about 5 years old at the time and i didn't know how special he was until later in life.

This kid grandmother was the pastor of the church and you can say that it was a family church. She was known by many people and respected within the community for her acts of kindness, and the apple that fell from the tree...fell into his hands. At the age of 6 or 7 he began to play the drums, he actually played better than most of the older kids including his uncles. He would always have a serious look on his face. You knew that he was very smart and wanted to learn as much as he could in the time that he had to watch. I remember one service, the church started "jumping" and he hopped on the drums and you could tell that the anointing was in him.

Over the years, i would just watch him. He seemed to have been in good hands, his immediate family was a bit dysfunctional like mine but he was a sharp kid. But you see, those are the ones whom the devil try and deceive. The enemy will make the truth not seem so truthful or make the actions not seem so effective. Over time my family moved to another church but kept in contact with them. They say the quiet ones are the ones you need to watch, along with myself....that is the truth. I was the one from the hood, i was the one that got into the streets, i was the one that had been to jail all those times. At the time i didn't think he would be anywhere near that because he came from such a structured family but i was wrong.

Fast forward to December 2009, I brought my little girl to Houston from California to be christian. She was 4 months old and it was one of the happiest moments in my life. I always wanted her to have a church, God fearing background and upbringing. At that service, a guy walks in. He was about 6'2, slim dark brown skin guy with a "fixed" look on his face. It wasn't a mean look, it was more so a "life" look. As i looked harder, it was that same little kid that played the drums but he was a man now. After the service, we stood outside and talked a while and caught up with the times. From all the excitement of my daughter, i wasn't able to get into too deep of a conversation with him but i did tell him, "The rap game ain't what you think it is, it changes you the person". We exchanged numbers and then i left. He had text me once while i was back in California but i don't think i responded. That was a mistake that i unknowingly made. Sometimes a person reaches out to you in their own way, it may seem subtle or discreet but to them its a huge step. I didn't think ahead or deeper about the wording of the conversation outside the church in Dec. 2009, but now in 2011 i wish i had.

Fast forward to January 2011, i went back to that church in Houston...now staying in Houston. I had this heavy weight on my shoulder because i was back home but without my daughter. That church was the same church that blessed me when i left to California and now they welcomed me back with open arms even though i wasn't completely honest with them. As i walked in the church, this feeling of guilt and regret gripped me. With every step to my seat, i felt like i was going to crumble into pieces. The service hadn't started so everyone was greeting one another and i put on a smile to hide how i was really feeling deep inside. I went over, hugged my mother...kissed her forehead and took my seat on the front row.

Sitting there i reflected on all the signs that God showed me before all the bad in my life happened. All the signs that were warnings but because i wasn't around people of God, no one else could have warned me. Sometimes we think its the enemy trying to trick us but sometimes its God showing us whats around us or whats to come. In the midst of the service, the side door opened and here walks in that same guy from 2009. He sits on the drums and began to play. I glance over at him and he gives me this smirk as to the affect of "whats hatnin homie", i nod and continue to clap. It was good seeing that he was still in church. The testimony portion of the service came and i stood up. I started to greet the church and then went into a emotional testimony that made half the church cry including me. The point in that testimony was that i was done playing with God and his mercy, when everyone else left me...he was always there and now I'm not walking away anymore.

Sitting there with tears that wouldn't stop falling and a feeling of failure, i feel to my left this person touch my back. When a person tells you something about yourself, even if its true...you may feel bad but you can shake that off. But, when God convict you...your heart has to rid itself of the selfishness, the pain, hurt, shame, regret, and stress. I tried to stop crying but couldn't. I put my face in my hand but that didn't work either. Imagine me, "hard guy" in church crying. As i sat there the hand on my back tapped me on my left shoulder and said low, "ay bro lemme sit here wit chu". I moved over and it was the drummer. He didn't say much, he just sat there the rest of the service, as to let me know that he got my back with whatever it was.

After church, i stood out by my car and he walks up and tells me, "ay bro that testimony touched me mayne" (heavy Houston accent, heavier than mine even). I said, "i meant every word bro, I'm tired of playing...i lost everything and i didn't really fight as hard as i could for it...this was suppose to happen". He say, "God got a plan for us all, I'm glad you back i miss u mayne, we need you around out here". I say, "well I'm back for good, and God gonna bring everything back together like it should be". I get in my car and head home. Later that night, i was on facebook and remembered months earlier i had a friend that was on there talking about her marriage problems and i felt this urge to contact her online. That was the beginning of "My Purpose".

When i was in the streets, i not only did wrong but i brought other people along with me...men and women. I wanted to sleep with women, i had charm so it happened. I wanted to hustle but not risk the consequence so i "directed traffic", God looked down on that. If you are going to do wrong, do it as an individual...don't bring an innocent person into the mix because God holds you accountable for them as well. So now that I'm in Christ, God want me to not only come on my own...but bring people with me. That's my purpose! Women, men, children, whatever it takes. I began mentoring again, something i haven't done since 07 but this time it feels right. It wasnt planned, its something i kind of fell into. God put people my name in people mouth and i was there to help. Now, I don't have any intentions, just encouragement and the approval from God.

As things seemed to be turning around, i got a sudden feeling of my daughter in my heart. I had a series of bad dreams and God deal with me through those. About 2 weeks prior, i had a dream and called my mother and told her. I knew it was going to be a death in the family. I prayed and prayed and then i get a call from my sister saying my grandmother passed away. But just as a boxer get fit and conditioned, God is conditioning my heart for whats to come.

We drive to Louisiana and on our back i receive a phone call. The strange thing is, i wasn't able to get reception almost the entire trip but this phone call came through. "hello", "yeah binchy what up mayne". "Not too much homie, just now leaving tha boot headed back to tha H", "ay mayne i need you bro I'm bout to lose it". "huh, what!" "mayne i remember you talking bout how u lost yo family and daughter and it jus happen to me. I had to send em away for a while for something i couldnt do. I got this gun in my hand loaded my nigga, ain't nothing left for me here bro". "Ay nah mayne, you got me homie...ay check game, I'm bout to pray for" (click), my phone loses reception. I immediately start asking for a phone in the car to use but no one else had reception. I started to ask God to keep him and protect him and then all of a sudden, 1 bar pops up on my phone. I called him as quickly as i could and he answers. "yo homie my call dropped, im in these woods. Imma be in houston in about 3 hours, don't go nowhere, dont do nothing...soon as i get home imma come get u wherever u at". "Aight mayne, thanks alot bro...the only person i called was you and you there for me". "Already bro, hang in there my nigga, im right around the cona", "luh you my nigga" "luh u too bro".

Here you have me, my past consisted of multiple women, drug selling and a suspicion of drug trafficking case that was dropped. Then you have him, a 23 year old gangster, as real as they come who got convicted of a crime that most of us wouldn't believe and he was freed. We have our "street credibility" whatever that means nowadays. But i say that to say this, if i wouldn't have lived it, people like him wouldn't listen to me. I have been through it all and still rocking with God and waiting on my future with him.

As we pull up, i grab my bags out the car before they leave. I run them in the house and then I run to my car and call him. "Yo", "ay bro, i jus touch dine...where u at", "i left the nawf" "aight just give the address and imma gps it". I get the address and i thought from my house he would be across town but he was exactly the next street over and he didn't even know it. I feel God placed him close so that whatever was to come, would come quick. I drive up to this house and he comes outside and gets in the car. I drive him back to my house and we sit in the driveway. We had one of the deepest conversations i think i had ever had in my life. Months before this, i had thoughts of just dying. I didn't want to kill myself but something in me wanted me to just give up because of all that was happening. But God had to literally move me to a place where he could build me back up and allow me to impact peoples lives in a positive spiritual way.

As he sits in the car, i can see death all over him. I had felt it months before so it was easy to identify it. Like i said, i had to go through it to be able to help someone through it in a spiritual way. He told me, "I had the gun loaded and was ready to end it all bro, i thought this was God's way of repaying me for all i have done wrong in life". Most people say they will kill themselves but if you knew him, you would know he dont play with words or actions like that. I told him, "i thought the same thang about myself bro, but you and i know that we are not normal kids, people deem you as a gangster or thug but look at all your accomplishments and how intelligent you are. People can take physical things from you but they cant take away your wisdom, that comes from God". Suddenly, i started to quote scriptures in the bible word for word and i had never done that before. I felt this feeling come over me and it allowed me to say that exact things i wish someone would have said to me when i was going through that. I began to see his demeanor change, his face started to look normal again and i even cracked some jokes to get some laughter out of him. I pulled up this bible app on my phone and we started reading the bible in the car. I was with him until 2am in the morning, i wasnt going nowhere until i knew he was good. You don't have to be a thug, nerd, bully, saint or anything in particular to be able to save someones life, you just have to listen to God. YOU DONT KNOW HOW GOOD IT FEELS FOR GOD TO PUT YOU IN A POSITION TO SAVE SOMEONES LIFE, AND YOU DO IT. I am not perfect by any means but what God did in that moment was nothing less of perfect.

Currently, i am witnessing to 5 people. Even though my situation isn't perfect, I'm believing in God to put back together that which was torn down. I always had an ability to talk to people and to write but as of late, I'm realizing those are gifts. I have never felt the way i feel about life, i love getting up and praying for my daughter and ready for what the day brings. The devil thought he was going to take me out, then he tried to get another one...smh, I'm going to get to them as quick as you do and we can battle then.

I never seen myself being this person, it was always something in it for me. Now, the reward i get is seeing God work in others lives which lets me know he can and will do the same in mine....have faith!

Oh and just in case you were wondering, that guy was the same drummer from when i was 10years old. He was put into a situation where all he had to do was make a call and thousands would be back in his hand, instead he called me and i been encouraging him ever since. Today he got a job WITHOUT an interview and i was there to witness it. God put people in your life for a reason, its our decision to stay there.

This was My Purpose All Along...to help!

In Due Time

I wake up, look to my left to check my phone...but no word. I lay back down for about 10 mins more and check it again, still no word. I then get up wash my face, brush my teeth and grab my workout clothes. With every step i take, my daughter is on my mind. 2000 miles away all i can do i pray that she is safe and understands the decision i made to come to houston.

I workout, listening to the marvin sapp station on pandora and i zone out. 2 hours later i lay down a towel in my car to hold the fully sweat soaked shirt i was wearing. Crank my car and start praying for my little girl. Driving home, i think of all the things that i want to teach her and i use that as motivation to stay positive. I walk back in my house and shower, then breakfast waits for me on the stove. Its the simple things in life that make the people in it so special. I sit and talk for a while, house shoes by the couch still looking at my phone for a message or picture or something...but it never comes.

I hop in my car and drive around houston like i used to do and realize alot has changed. They way i viewed the city, the way i seen the city and what i thought about it. I have changed so much and didnt know. I once said, "i never wanted to live in houston again" but the reason i said it was because...well i dont know. I was the person that made people in cali (that had never been to houston) respect houston for talent. Riding with the windows down, thanking God for my health and daughter, i start to become brand new.

Later that day, my niece had a basketball game. It feels good to be able to access my family when i want to. I can drive over to moms house, head over to my sisters house, hit up my aunts house anytime i want to and not have to worry about not seeing them for years. I gave up so much and missed out on so much of my family accomplishments until my nephew who was 5'4 when i left is now 6'1. My nieces call me on the phone daily and check on me, my cell phone is back ringing like im a celebrity and my view on life is completely different. But like i was saying, my niece had a game. I went to the school and she got so shy when she seen me walk in. In my family i am like the "cool" strick uncle and they never want to let me down.

My niece hadnt scored the whole season and was playing regular, well nothing to brag about...actually her brother (which is my nephew who is now 6'1, plays on the boys b ball team) told me how bad she plays and that i should come and watch him play lol. I thought i would watch her instead. The night before she called me and asked me to teach her what the positions were...its things like that that makes me feel home is where the heart is. We went over everything and she caught on quickly...quicker than i thought she would. So i walk in the gym and sit in the stands, anxiously waiting for her to take the court and im nervous like im playing but i didnt look it.

They meet at the half court and shake hands and then i come out with the camera and start taping. My younger sister "peaches" was in the stands too, along with 3 of my nieces, and one of my nephews...big family i know. They start playing and im in the stands like its college b ball yelling and calling the refs out. At about the second quater, my niece was taking a shot and got fouled. She went to the line and as she was waiting for the ref to throw her the ball, she looks at me in the stands and knods her head. Her first freethrow was nothing but nets, you could see the hug smile from behind. Then the second shot was all net and she start dancing at the freethrow line and the other team already took the ball out and headed the other way lol.

All of a sudden while i sat there in the stands, i felt this huge feeling of pride and i got a little emotional. I had left them all for 3 and a half years only to return worse. You never know the future but i leaped on faith and it shot me. My niece said, "i played better cause you was there". Needless to say, they lost the game but she ended up with 16rebounds, 2steals, 2assist, 2blocks and 2points. I took her for ice cream after the game. We was in the car singing all the way out.

To be able to see my nieces, nephews, uncles and aunts and hear them not only say how much they miss me but also show it, i regret alot. I dont want my daughter to ever feel like i will ever be out of her life, i am a great son, great uncle, great nephew great brother and a GREAT father. My daughter is my heart and my life and no matter what a person or people do or say, our relationship will never fall short of love. I cant wait for her to meet all her family...in due time...in due time.

J Moss - Abundantly

"Reflection" (God Loved Me When I Didnt Love Myself)

Today is new years day!!! The first day of 2011 and the beginning of my future. When i sat down to write, i wanted so badly to go into detail of how i have been lied on, cheated, broken, lied to, double teamed, laughed at, made fun of and left all alone. But, i have been home in Houston 6 days now and i cant begin to tell you how really happy i am. I still miss my daughter dearly and my heart is with her but the hard part of my life is over and now its time to focus on my future and present.

I received so many calls, emails, texts and voice mails from people. Its alot of encouragement going into 2011 for me. I'm glad to say that i am completely a new person and only time will reveal what i really mean but I'm glad and thanking God for the change. Honestly on the road driving from Cali to Houston, i was so discouraged and let down, but when i got here...i was overwhelmed by the amount of love and support my family greeted me with. I haven't seen them in a year and they welcomed me back...emotionally as well. No one asked what happened...because i didn't express my personal life with them, they just told me to get some sleep and food, and they would be waiting on me when i woke up.

My brother, he drove with me down from Cali and i can say how real of a person he is. Not just because he is my brother, but because he never took sides neither did he influence any decisions i made. I appreciate the values and morals that have been instilled in us and i cant wait to teach my daughter the same things. Cutting off the light, looking back into an empty apartment that i called home for 2 and a half years, i said, "Goodbye". I walked down the hallway, into the elevator and got into my car. As i was getting in my car, my brother looks over and say, "We got each other bro". I looked over at him, shook his hand and started off.

People can say they know how i feel or felt but there is a deeper hurt to it all. When private becomes public, its not only humiliating but you feel a sense of betrayal to go along with it. When you relocate for something you believed in, only to find out that as soon as the chance presented itself, your life was changed because of feelings. A person is left to feel that they are not good enough, look good enough, the right size, the right lifestyle, the right look, the right mindset...but you are reminded of how shallow the world could be. I sucked it up as a man and decided to create a life, not only for myself but for my daughter as well. Sometimes you have to be in a physical place to give someone something that is emotional or spiritual. I am now in that place. I have heard the terms, "you running" or "you going to look weak"...regardless of, if either one was the truth...I'm still standing! I took what was meant to be negative and smiled on it, accepted the unbelievable and came to Houston with the last ounce of integrity and dignity i owned. No one can ever say i wasn't a MAN, i was one when i cried and i was one when i was weak.

Words, they are as important as actions. You can say you don't want to be something, only to look at yourself and realize your are exactly what you thought you would never become.

"Sometimes words from softer lips, seem more true" -Ottoe Samuel-

I'm passed it all now, I'm stronger, I'm wiser, I'm better...so much better -Marvin Sapp-

My life is so different now, way better and when my daughter comes, it will be perfect. I cant complain about what God has done and doing. I encourage you to distance yourself from any problem, seek God and watch what happens.

I woke up on Monday the 27th and went to my mom and sisters house and EVERYONE had the same picture of my daughter as a screen saver on their phone. My family only seen my daughter once and i had sent so many pics, it was almost as if they was growing up with her. They couldn't imagine the amount of love i felt with that simple act. I was really taken away but i had forgotten what type of hearts my family have. I ran into friends and everything has been so positive. The food, the weather, the people...make me wonder why i ever left this place...oh that's right...same reason I'm back home. They say, man look for what he wants, but God gives you what you need. Right now I'm "slow boogy", life has slowed down and I'm seeing all my faults and working on them all. I just love the fact that God allows me to see my faults and help me to want to work on them.

Looking at my older sister situation and how she is handling it, lets me know that people still have hearts and family does mean more than just words. God knows what he is doing and i cant wait to see the end!!

"Sometimes you have done so much wrong to a person and you use what you feel to continue to hold them down or out, but its only when you realize that you have far exceeded what they have ever done to you...God will then accept those tears and pain". First hand lesson, "no one ever learns alone"!