I was in the 5th grade, 10 year old boy clueless about life and what it had to offer. My mother kept us in church and made sure that we participated in each and every service. I played the drums until i was about 17 years old. I had a gift but then again i had many gifts, some of which i left fade away. But, i remember...there was this feeling i would get when i went to this particular church. It wasn't a bad feeling, it was more so a feeling of "placement" if you will. I felt like i was suppose to be at that exact place at that exact time, its like life was in perfect alignment when i went there. As a kid i always showed off on the drums, but there was this kid...this little dark brown skin kid that would just sit and watch me every service. He was about 5 years old at the time and i didn't know how special he was until later in life.
This kid grandmother was the pastor of the church and you can say that it was a family church. She was known by many people and respected within the community for her acts of kindness, and the apple that fell from the tree...fell into his hands. At the age of 6 or 7 he began to play the drums, he actually played better than most of the older kids including his uncles. He would always have a serious look on his face. You knew that he was very smart and wanted to learn as much as he could in the time that he had to watch. I remember one service, the church started "jumping" and he hopped on the drums and you could tell that the anointing was in him.
Over the years, i would just watch him. He seemed to have been in good hands, his immediate family was a bit dysfunctional like mine but he was a sharp kid. But you see, those are the ones whom the devil try and deceive. The enemy will make the truth not seem so truthful or make the actions not seem so effective. Over time my family moved to another church but kept in contact with them. They say the quiet ones are the ones you need to watch, along with myself....that is the truth. I was the one from the hood, i was the one that got into the streets, i was the one that had been to jail all those times. At the time i didn't think he would be anywhere near that because he came from such a structured family but i was wrong.
Fast forward to December 2009, I brought my little girl to Houston from California to be christian. She was 4 months old and it was one of the happiest moments in my life. I always wanted her to have a church, God fearing background and upbringing. At that service, a guy walks in. He was about 6'2, slim dark brown skin guy with a "fixed" look on his face. It wasn't a mean look, it was more so a "life" look. As i looked harder, it was that same little kid that played the drums but he was a man now. After the service, we stood outside and talked a while and caught up with the times. From all the excitement of my daughter, i wasn't able to get into too deep of a conversation with him but i did tell him, "The rap game ain't what you think it is, it changes you the person". We exchanged numbers and then i left. He had text me once while i was back in California but i don't think i responded. That was a mistake that i unknowingly made. Sometimes a person reaches out to you in their own way, it may seem subtle or discreet but to them its a huge step. I didn't think ahead or deeper about the wording of the conversation outside the church in Dec. 2009, but now in 2011 i wish i had.
Fast forward to January 2011, i went back to that church in Houston...now staying in Houston. I had this heavy weight on my shoulder because i was back home but without my daughter. That church was the same church that blessed me when i left to California and now they welcomed me back with open arms even though i wasn't completely honest with them. As i walked in the church, this feeling of guilt and regret gripped me. With every step to my seat, i felt like i was going to crumble into pieces. The service hadn't started so everyone was greeting one another and i put on a smile to hide how i was really feeling deep inside. I went over, hugged my mother...kissed her forehead and took my seat on the front row.
Sitting there i reflected on all the signs that God showed me before all the bad in my life happened. All the signs that were warnings but because i wasn't around people of God, no one else could have warned me. Sometimes we think its the enemy trying to trick us but sometimes its God showing us whats around us or whats to come. In the midst of the service, the side door opened and here walks in that same guy from 2009. He sits on the drums and began to play. I glance over at him and he gives me this smirk as to the affect of "whats hatnin homie", i nod and continue to clap. It was good seeing that he was still in church. The testimony portion of the service came and i stood up. I started to greet the church and then went into a emotional testimony that made half the church cry including me. The point in that testimony was that i was done playing with God and his mercy, when everyone else left me...he was always there and now I'm not walking away anymore.
Sitting there with tears that wouldn't stop falling and a feeling of failure, i feel to my left this person touch my back. When a person tells you something about yourself, even if its true...you may feel bad but you can shake that off. But, when God convict you...your heart has to rid itself of the selfishness, the pain, hurt, shame, regret, and stress. I tried to stop crying but couldn't. I put my face in my hand but that didn't work either. Imagine me, "hard guy" in church crying. As i sat there the hand on my back tapped me on my left shoulder and said low, "ay bro lemme sit here wit chu". I moved over and it was the drummer. He didn't say much, he just sat there the rest of the service, as to let me know that he got my back with whatever it was.
After church, i stood out by my car and he walks up and tells me, "ay bro that testimony touched me mayne" (heavy Houston accent, heavier than mine even). I said, "i meant every word bro, I'm tired of playing...i lost everything and i didn't really fight as hard as i could for it...this was suppose to happen". He say, "God got a plan for us all, I'm glad you back i miss u mayne, we need you around out here". I say, "well I'm back for good, and God gonna bring everything back together like it should be". I get in my car and head home. Later that night, i was on facebook and remembered months earlier i had a friend that was on there talking about her marriage problems and i felt this urge to contact her online. That was the beginning of "My Purpose".
When i was in the streets, i not only did wrong but i brought other people along with me...men and women. I wanted to sleep with women, i had charm so it happened. I wanted to hustle but not risk the consequence so i "directed traffic", God looked down on that. If you are going to do wrong, do it as an individual...don't bring an innocent person into the mix because God holds you accountable for them as well. So now that I'm in Christ, God want me to not only come on my own...but bring people with me. That's my purpose! Women, men, children, whatever it takes. I began mentoring again, something i haven't done since 07 but this time it feels right. It wasnt planned, its something i kind of fell into. God put people my name in people mouth and i was there to help. Now, I don't have any intentions, just encouragement and the approval from God.
As things seemed to be turning around, i got a sudden feeling of my daughter in my heart. I had a series of bad dreams and God deal with me through those. About 2 weeks prior, i had a dream and called my mother and told her. I knew it was going to be a death in the family. I prayed and prayed and then i get a call from my sister saying my grandmother passed away. But just as a boxer get fit and conditioned, God is conditioning my heart for whats to come.
We drive to Louisiana and on our back i receive a phone call. The strange thing is, i wasn't able to get reception almost the entire trip but this phone call came through. "hello", "yeah binchy what up mayne". "Not too much homie, just now leaving tha boot headed back to tha H", "ay mayne i need you bro I'm bout to lose it". "huh, what!" "mayne i remember you talking bout how u lost yo family and daughter and it jus happen to me. I had to send em away for a while for something i couldnt do. I got this gun in my hand loaded my nigga, ain't nothing left for me here bro". "Ay nah mayne, you got me homie...ay check game, I'm bout to pray for" (click), my phone loses reception. I immediately start asking for a phone in the car to use but no one else had reception. I started to ask God to keep him and protect him and then all of a sudden, 1 bar pops up on my phone. I called him as quickly as i could and he answers. "yo homie my call dropped, im in these woods. Imma be in houston in about 3 hours, don't go nowhere, dont do nothing...soon as i get home imma come get u wherever u at". "Aight mayne, thanks alot bro...the only person i called was you and you there for me". "Already bro, hang in there my nigga, im right around the cona", "luh you my nigga" "luh u too bro".
Here you have me, my past consisted of multiple women, drug selling and a suspicion of drug trafficking case that was dropped. Then you have him, a 23 year old gangster, as real as they come who got convicted of a crime that most of us wouldn't believe and he was freed. We have our "street credibility" whatever that means nowadays. But i say that to say this, if i wouldn't have lived it, people like him wouldn't listen to me. I have been through it all and still rocking with God and waiting on my future with him.
As we pull up, i grab my bags out the car before they leave. I run them in the house and then I run to my car and call him. "Yo", "ay bro, i jus touch dine...where u at", "i left the nawf" "aight just give the address and imma gps it". I get the address and i thought from my house he would be across town but he was exactly the next street over and he didn't even know it. I feel God placed him close so that whatever was to come, would come quick. I drive up to this house and he comes outside and gets in the car. I drive him back to my house and we sit in the driveway. We had one of the deepest conversations i think i had ever had in my life. Months before this, i had thoughts of just dying. I didn't want to kill myself but something in me wanted me to just give up because of all that was happening. But God had to literally move me to a place where he could build me back up and allow me to impact peoples lives in a positive spiritual way.
As he sits in the car, i can see death all over him. I had felt it months before so it was easy to identify it. Like i said, i had to go through it to be able to help someone through it in a spiritual way. He told me, "I had the gun loaded and was ready to end it all bro, i thought this was God's way of repaying me for all i have done wrong in life". Most people say they will kill themselves but if you knew him, you would know he dont play with words or actions like that. I told him, "i thought the same thang about myself bro, but you and i know that we are not normal kids, people deem you as a gangster or thug but look at all your accomplishments and how intelligent you are. People can take physical things from you but they cant take away your wisdom, that comes from God". Suddenly, i started to quote scriptures in the bible word for word and i had never done that before. I felt this feeling come over me and it allowed me to say that exact things i wish someone would have said to me when i was going through that. I began to see his demeanor change, his face started to look normal again and i even cracked some jokes to get some laughter out of him. I pulled up this bible app on my phone and we started reading the bible in the car. I was with him until 2am in the morning, i wasnt going nowhere until i knew he was good. You don't have to be a thug, nerd, bully, saint or anything in particular to be able to save someones life, you just have to listen to God. YOU DONT KNOW HOW GOOD IT FEELS FOR GOD TO PUT YOU IN A POSITION TO SAVE SOMEONES LIFE, AND YOU DO IT. I am not perfect by any means but what God did in that moment was nothing less of perfect.
Currently, i am witnessing to 5 people. Even though my situation isn't perfect, I'm believing in God to put back together that which was torn down. I always had an ability to talk to people and to write but as of late, I'm realizing those are gifts. I have never felt the way i feel about life, i love getting up and praying for my daughter and ready for what the day brings. The devil thought he was going to take me out, then he tried to get another one...smh, I'm going to get to them as quick as you do and we can battle then.
I never seen myself being this person, it was always something in it for me. Now, the reward i get is seeing God work in others lives which lets me know he can and will do the same in mine....have faith!
Oh and just in case you were wondering, that guy was the same drummer from when i was 10years old. He was put into a situation where all he had to do was make a call and thousands would be back in his hand, instead he called me and i been encouraging him ever since. Today he got a job WITHOUT an interview and i was there to witness it. God put people in your life for a reason, its our decision to stay there.
This was My Purpose All Along...to help!
Thursday, January 13
Tuesday, January 11
In Due Time
I wake up, look to my left to check my phone...but no word. I lay back down for about 10 mins more and check it again, still no word. I then get up wash my face, brush my teeth and grab my workout clothes. With every step i take, my daughter is on my mind. 2000 miles away all i can do i pray that she is safe and understands the decision i made to come to houston.
I workout, listening to the marvin sapp station on pandora and i zone out. 2 hours later i lay down a towel in my car to hold the fully sweat soaked shirt i was wearing. Crank my car and start praying for my little girl. Driving home, i think of all the things that i want to teach her and i use that as motivation to stay positive. I walk back in my house and shower, then breakfast waits for me on the stove. Its the simple things in life that make the people in it so special. I sit and talk for a while, house shoes by the couch still looking at my phone for a message or picture or something...but it never comes.
I hop in my car and drive around houston like i used to do and realize alot has changed. They way i viewed the city, the way i seen the city and what i thought about it. I have changed so much and didnt know. I once said, "i never wanted to live in houston again" but the reason i said it was because...well i dont know. I was the person that made people in cali (that had never been to houston) respect houston for talent. Riding with the windows down, thanking God for my health and daughter, i start to become brand new.
Later that day, my niece had a basketball game. It feels good to be able to access my family when i want to. I can drive over to moms house, head over to my sisters house, hit up my aunts house anytime i want to and not have to worry about not seeing them for years. I gave up so much and missed out on so much of my family accomplishments until my nephew who was 5'4 when i left is now 6'1. My nieces call me on the phone daily and check on me, my cell phone is back ringing like im a celebrity and my view on life is completely different. But like i was saying, my niece had a game. I went to the school and she got so shy when she seen me walk in. In my family i am like the "cool" strick uncle and they never want to let me down.
My niece hadnt scored the whole season and was playing regular, well nothing to brag about...actually her brother (which is my nephew who is now 6'1, plays on the boys b ball team) told me how bad she plays and that i should come and watch him play lol. I thought i would watch her instead. The night before she called me and asked me to teach her what the positions were...its things like that that makes me feel home is where the heart is. We went over everything and she caught on quickly...quicker than i thought she would. So i walk in the gym and sit in the stands, anxiously waiting for her to take the court and im nervous like im playing but i didnt look it.
They meet at the half court and shake hands and then i come out with the camera and start taping. My younger sister "peaches" was in the stands too, along with 3 of my nieces, and one of my nephews...big family i know. They start playing and im in the stands like its college b ball yelling and calling the refs out. At about the second quater, my niece was taking a shot and got fouled. She went to the line and as she was waiting for the ref to throw her the ball, she looks at me in the stands and knods her head. Her first freethrow was nothing but nets, you could see the hug smile from behind. Then the second shot was all net and she start dancing at the freethrow line and the other team already took the ball out and headed the other way lol.
All of a sudden while i sat there in the stands, i felt this huge feeling of pride and i got a little emotional. I had left them all for 3 and a half years only to return worse. You never know the future but i leaped on faith and it shot me. My niece said, "i played better cause you was there". Needless to say, they lost the game but she ended up with 16rebounds, 2steals, 2assist, 2blocks and 2points. I took her for ice cream after the game. We was in the car singing all the way out.
To be able to see my nieces, nephews, uncles and aunts and hear them not only say how much they miss me but also show it, i regret alot. I dont want my daughter to ever feel like i will ever be out of her life, i am a great son, great uncle, great nephew great brother and a GREAT father. My daughter is my heart and my life and no matter what a person or people do or say, our relationship will never fall short of love. I cant wait for her to meet all her family...in due time...in due time.
I workout, listening to the marvin sapp station on pandora and i zone out. 2 hours later i lay down a towel in my car to hold the fully sweat soaked shirt i was wearing. Crank my car and start praying for my little girl. Driving home, i think of all the things that i want to teach her and i use that as motivation to stay positive. I walk back in my house and shower, then breakfast waits for me on the stove. Its the simple things in life that make the people in it so special. I sit and talk for a while, house shoes by the couch still looking at my phone for a message or picture or something...but it never comes.
I hop in my car and drive around houston like i used to do and realize alot has changed. They way i viewed the city, the way i seen the city and what i thought about it. I have changed so much and didnt know. I once said, "i never wanted to live in houston again" but the reason i said it was because...well i dont know. I was the person that made people in cali (that had never been to houston) respect houston for talent. Riding with the windows down, thanking God for my health and daughter, i start to become brand new.
Later that day, my niece had a basketball game. It feels good to be able to access my family when i want to. I can drive over to moms house, head over to my sisters house, hit up my aunts house anytime i want to and not have to worry about not seeing them for years. I gave up so much and missed out on so much of my family accomplishments until my nephew who was 5'4 when i left is now 6'1. My nieces call me on the phone daily and check on me, my cell phone is back ringing like im a celebrity and my view on life is completely different. But like i was saying, my niece had a game. I went to the school and she got so shy when she seen me walk in. In my family i am like the "cool" strick uncle and they never want to let me down.
My niece hadnt scored the whole season and was playing regular, well nothing to brag about...actually her brother (which is my nephew who is now 6'1, plays on the boys b ball team) told me how bad she plays and that i should come and watch him play lol. I thought i would watch her instead. The night before she called me and asked me to teach her what the positions were...its things like that that makes me feel home is where the heart is. We went over everything and she caught on quickly...quicker than i thought she would. So i walk in the gym and sit in the stands, anxiously waiting for her to take the court and im nervous like im playing but i didnt look it.
They meet at the half court and shake hands and then i come out with the camera and start taping. My younger sister "peaches" was in the stands too, along with 3 of my nieces, and one of my nephews...big family i know. They start playing and im in the stands like its college b ball yelling and calling the refs out. At about the second quater, my niece was taking a shot and got fouled. She went to the line and as she was waiting for the ref to throw her the ball, she looks at me in the stands and knods her head. Her first freethrow was nothing but nets, you could see the hug smile from behind. Then the second shot was all net and she start dancing at the freethrow line and the other team already took the ball out and headed the other way lol.
All of a sudden while i sat there in the stands, i felt this huge feeling of pride and i got a little emotional. I had left them all for 3 and a half years only to return worse. You never know the future but i leaped on faith and it shot me. My niece said, "i played better cause you was there". Needless to say, they lost the game but she ended up with 16rebounds, 2steals, 2assist, 2blocks and 2points. I took her for ice cream after the game. We was in the car singing all the way out.
To be able to see my nieces, nephews, uncles and aunts and hear them not only say how much they miss me but also show it, i regret alot. I dont want my daughter to ever feel like i will ever be out of her life, i am a great son, great uncle, great nephew great brother and a GREAT father. My daughter is my heart and my life and no matter what a person or people do or say, our relationship will never fall short of love. I cant wait for her to meet all her family...in due time...in due time.
Saturday, January 1
"Reflection" (God Loved Me When I Didnt Love Myself)
Today is new years day!!! The first day of 2011 and the beginning of my future. When i sat down to write, i wanted so badly to go into detail of how i have been lied on, cheated, broken, lied to, double teamed, laughed at, made fun of and left all alone. But, i have been home in Houston 6 days now and i cant begin to tell you how really happy i am. I still miss my daughter dearly and my heart is with her but the hard part of my life is over and now its time to focus on my future and present.
I received so many calls, emails, texts and voice mails from people. Its alot of encouragement going into 2011 for me. I'm glad to say that i am completely a new person and only time will reveal what i really mean but I'm glad and thanking God for the change. Honestly on the road driving from Cali to Houston, i was so discouraged and let down, but when i got here...i was overwhelmed by the amount of love and support my family greeted me with. I haven't seen them in a year and they welcomed me back...emotionally as well. No one asked what happened...because i didn't express my personal life with them, they just told me to get some sleep and food, and they would be waiting on me when i woke up.
My brother, he drove with me down from Cali and i can say how real of a person he is. Not just because he is my brother, but because he never took sides neither did he influence any decisions i made. I appreciate the values and morals that have been instilled in us and i cant wait to teach my daughter the same things. Cutting off the light, looking back into an empty apartment that i called home for 2 and a half years, i said, "Goodbye". I walked down the hallway, into the elevator and got into my car. As i was getting in my car, my brother looks over and say, "We got each other bro". I looked over at him, shook his hand and started off.
People can say they know how i feel or felt but there is a deeper hurt to it all. When private becomes public, its not only humiliating but you feel a sense of betrayal to go along with it. When you relocate for something you believed in, only to find out that as soon as the chance presented itself, your life was changed because of feelings. A person is left to feel that they are not good enough, look good enough, the right size, the right lifestyle, the right look, the right mindset...but you are reminded of how shallow the world could be. I sucked it up as a man and decided to create a life, not only for myself but for my daughter as well. Sometimes you have to be in a physical place to give someone something that is emotional or spiritual. I am now in that place. I have heard the terms, "you running" or "you going to look weak"...regardless of, if either one was the truth...I'm still standing! I took what was meant to be negative and smiled on it, accepted the unbelievable and came to Houston with the last ounce of integrity and dignity i owned. No one can ever say i wasn't a MAN, i was one when i cried and i was one when i was weak.
Words, they are as important as actions. You can say you don't want to be something, only to look at yourself and realize your are exactly what you thought you would never become.
"Sometimes words from softer lips, seem more true" -Ottoe Samuel-
I'm passed it all now, I'm stronger, I'm wiser, I'm better...so much better -Marvin Sapp-
My life is so different now, way better and when my daughter comes, it will be perfect. I cant complain about what God has done and doing. I encourage you to distance yourself from any problem, seek God and watch what happens.
I woke up on Monday the 27th and went to my mom and sisters house and EVERYONE had the same picture of my daughter as a screen saver on their phone. My family only seen my daughter once and i had sent so many pics, it was almost as if they was growing up with her. They couldn't imagine the amount of love i felt with that simple act. I was really taken away but i had forgotten what type of hearts my family have. I ran into friends and everything has been so positive. The food, the weather, the people...make me wonder why i ever left this place...oh that's right...same reason I'm back home. They say, man look for what he wants, but God gives you what you need. Right now I'm "slow boogy", life has slowed down and I'm seeing all my faults and working on them all. I just love the fact that God allows me to see my faults and help me to want to work on them.
Looking at my older sister situation and how she is handling it, lets me know that people still have hearts and family does mean more than just words. God knows what he is doing and i cant wait to see the end!!
"Sometimes you have done so much wrong to a person and you use what you feel to continue to hold them down or out, but its only when you realize that you have far exceeded what they have ever done to you...God will then accept those tears and pain". First hand lesson, "no one ever learns alone"!
I received so many calls, emails, texts and voice mails from people. Its alot of encouragement going into 2011 for me. I'm glad to say that i am completely a new person and only time will reveal what i really mean but I'm glad and thanking God for the change. Honestly on the road driving from Cali to Houston, i was so discouraged and let down, but when i got here...i was overwhelmed by the amount of love and support my family greeted me with. I haven't seen them in a year and they welcomed me back...emotionally as well. No one asked what happened...because i didn't express my personal life with them, they just told me to get some sleep and food, and they would be waiting on me when i woke up.
My brother, he drove with me down from Cali and i can say how real of a person he is. Not just because he is my brother, but because he never took sides neither did he influence any decisions i made. I appreciate the values and morals that have been instilled in us and i cant wait to teach my daughter the same things. Cutting off the light, looking back into an empty apartment that i called home for 2 and a half years, i said, "Goodbye". I walked down the hallway, into the elevator and got into my car. As i was getting in my car, my brother looks over and say, "We got each other bro". I looked over at him, shook his hand and started off.
People can say they know how i feel or felt but there is a deeper hurt to it all. When private becomes public, its not only humiliating but you feel a sense of betrayal to go along with it. When you relocate for something you believed in, only to find out that as soon as the chance presented itself, your life was changed because of feelings. A person is left to feel that they are not good enough, look good enough, the right size, the right lifestyle, the right look, the right mindset...but you are reminded of how shallow the world could be. I sucked it up as a man and decided to create a life, not only for myself but for my daughter as well. Sometimes you have to be in a physical place to give someone something that is emotional or spiritual. I am now in that place. I have heard the terms, "you running" or "you going to look weak"...regardless of, if either one was the truth...I'm still standing! I took what was meant to be negative and smiled on it, accepted the unbelievable and came to Houston with the last ounce of integrity and dignity i owned. No one can ever say i wasn't a MAN, i was one when i cried and i was one when i was weak.
Words, they are as important as actions. You can say you don't want to be something, only to look at yourself and realize your are exactly what you thought you would never become.
"Sometimes words from softer lips, seem more true" -Ottoe Samuel-
I'm passed it all now, I'm stronger, I'm wiser, I'm better...so much better -Marvin Sapp-
My life is so different now, way better and when my daughter comes, it will be perfect. I cant complain about what God has done and doing. I encourage you to distance yourself from any problem, seek God and watch what happens.
I woke up on Monday the 27th and went to my mom and sisters house and EVERYONE had the same picture of my daughter as a screen saver on their phone. My family only seen my daughter once and i had sent so many pics, it was almost as if they was growing up with her. They couldn't imagine the amount of love i felt with that simple act. I was really taken away but i had forgotten what type of hearts my family have. I ran into friends and everything has been so positive. The food, the weather, the people...make me wonder why i ever left this place...oh that's right...same reason I'm back home. They say, man look for what he wants, but God gives you what you need. Right now I'm "slow boogy", life has slowed down and I'm seeing all my faults and working on them all. I just love the fact that God allows me to see my faults and help me to want to work on them.
Looking at my older sister situation and how she is handling it, lets me know that people still have hearts and family does mean more than just words. God knows what he is doing and i cant wait to see the end!!
"Sometimes you have done so much wrong to a person and you use what you feel to continue to hold them down or out, but its only when you realize that you have far exceeded what they have ever done to you...God will then accept those tears and pain". First hand lesson, "no one ever learns alone"!
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