"Curtain Close"

No one can predict the future neither the things in it. Lost jobs, lost time, lost loves...all play a part of a person future. Its what we decide to do with that future that makes the road that we see ahead...more bearable.

Tonight i had a going away party and out of my guest list of 53 people...about 40 showed up. The spot was packed, i felt like i knew everyone. It was really a change of pace for me as well as humbling. I got to see the reason why so many people respect me and also fear me. While i was standing at the bar ordering a drink (cranberry and sprite, i don't drink) i was looking around at all the smiling faces at me. I heard countless times from women and men tonight about how much they love me and will miss me. People wanted to take pictures, give hugs and even wanted to dance. I got a chance to let loose tonight, so to speak. But i also learned alot!

You see, i grew up in places where communication was key for life or death. So i established a kind of love that was "different" from the norm. There are different types of loves, there is that "i wish you well love" that "i love you with all of me love" that "lets make it work no matter what love" and my love which is "i will die for you love". This type of love came about when i had people in my life that would actually take a bullet for me. Women and men have made that bold statement to me and in certain situations they have proven that they would do just that. So, that is the type of love i learned and the only "kind" i have. People don't understand your heart or where you come from unless they give it a genuine time and effort for the experience to happen.

Tonight, i was shown how much people love me...words, actions and more. Tonight, in a long time, i felt wanted, needed, admired. I felt like my presence was felt. Even when i was leaving, it took me like 15 minutes to make it out the door and then in front of the place 5 minutes more. Kind words goes a long way and with the love i have, i will take that to the grave with me. Through my words, i have helped alot of people and tonight i learned exactly how much i did. People told me of problems they had and conversations months ago helped them get passed it. I am not a normal person, God has put me here for a reason. I think my words will reach many people and tonight i became a new person. A person that doesn't care about words from people so much, a person who is confident in who he is and found out that I'm not only handsome but I'm "sexy" and "take home worthy" (whateva that means lol).

Sometimes people don't know when they have won. When the bell have rung and they are the only ones with gloves still on. When the opposite corner has flowers and they have jabs. I have said and have done somethings that are unforgivable and tonight i have learned to just let go and let God. My problem is, i hold on to people and things so much until it consumes me. I had to look at myself in the mirror and evaluate who i am again. I have been in Cali 3 years and a half but in just 5 days, i have grown up so much....much more than those years. Words will not plague my soul, or shatter my dreams anymore. Words are very powerful and they hurt and they heal and they mend...but the heart has to be right. I have done alot of damage with my words (my actions were always right though) and i don't think a certain situation is worth hoping for or even dwelling on anymore. Words can kick you when your down and also help you up when you need it.

I received a call from a kid (now a grown man) that i mentor, tonight before the party. He just began to speak to me about life and what he is going through. I just started speaking and i felt the intelligence that i was portraying, oozing out of me like it was always there. I touched him verbally when people right next to him couldn't.

Remember to be strong, be confident and let no one dim your light. And, when you think that someone is dictating what you do, it may just be you and not them. Do not give someone so much control until some words on a page or phone can physically have you shaking or crying for that matter. Emotions are easy to touch but the bible says "My child, if your heart is wise, my own heart will rejoice". Be wise, choose words carefully and you will prosper. Its never to late to start over.

Tonight i looked at the life i have lived here and although i have accomplished alot, I'm not pleased with it. I got caught up in the excitement of the area, the lights, the weather and forgot that life is about giving. Giving knowledge, teaching, helping and loving.

After tonight, i began a new part of my life, a new beginning where i am in control, where my words will no longer hurt no one and no one elses words will hurt me.

Job 17:11 "My days are over. My hopes have disappeared. My heart's desires are broken". When i leave Cali, I'm leaving everything here, my guilt, my faults, my pains, my loneliness, my regrets, my downfalls, my short comings, my old life, but most of all, my heart. I will leave it here, that type of heart cant come to Houston with me.

Tonight i bid a farewell to some of the most interesting, beautiful and inspirational group of people i know. You all as a whole has helped me grow as a person and i salute you all for the times, effort, love and attention you have given me. I have pressed the reset button and my heart is elsewhere now.

When i get on the road to Houston, looking back will be like Sodom and Gomorrah, i will damage myself more if i do so....i will leave Cali in Cali.

I think its safe to say that we should have a "Curtain Close".

Love -GS-

"Bitter Sweet"

Laying in bed in December 2008, i was waking by touch. "Hey Me'Lon do you love me", "yeah i do" then i fall back asleep. Then i was waken seconds later, "Me'Lon do you love me alot", "yeah shawt, gimme bout 5 mo minutes", then asleep again. Waken a third time, "Do you love me enough to spend the rest of your life with me", then i look her in her eyes and say, "yeah, why"? She says to me "get up and come with me". With just boxers on, i walk down the hallway into the master bathroom. I didn't know what to expect...i thought i was about to get a early morning "surprise" :-)...nope. She walks me in and hands me a pregnancy test. I promise, when i looked at this thing, it said "PREGNANT...YEP YOUR ARE THA FATHER". So i wiped my eyes and took another look at it. Completely speechless, i just stood there in silence. She waited next to me nervously to see what my response would be but all i could do is just stand.

I looked at her, looked deep into her eyes and turned and walked out the bathroom. I crawled back into bed and just laid there trying to get it to sink in. She had come out the bathroom and stood in the doorway to the room waiting on some kind of comfort but i was so stunned. I had never wanted to have a child with a person and this was the first person i was ready to have one with and yet i still couldn't illustrate my happiness. Needless to say, we had a little argument because of my lack of verbal comforting...but overall i think i was as taken back as her. About 2 hours into it, i was calling everyone in my phone screaming to the top of my lungs telling them that i was having a child. It felt so good to have a family of my own. I was hoping for a boy like every man does and i was blessed with a girl. I think God knew what he was doing. At the time of that news...i must say i was anxious to see a boy but when i felt my little girl kick me for the first time...i was sold. She means so much to me, she has been in all my decisions and all my actions since her birth. My job is and was then as well, was to provide and protect her and i have done and is doing so.

Which brings me to today. I have decided to move back to Houston Texas. When i messaged people, called people or told people that i was leaving...their first questions weren't, "why"? or "when will you be back"? or "how come"? But, it was instead "what about your little girl"? I didn't realize that so many people knew how passionate i am about my babygirl. I think i love her more than the average human, or even more than the above average human feels about their child. I came to California with just a suitcase and 500 dollars and im leaving with pain, tears and sorrow. I had no family here except for my brother who moved out here when i was 10. She had become my mother, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, father, uncles, aunts, and friend. She holds so much weight in my heart that's why this decision is so hard to make. I have cried the last 3 days literally, I'm crying right now. What i have built in 3 years, has been all torn down and taken in 3 months. I don't think no one will ever understand the amount of pain, hurt and disappointment you can suffer when you gave everything you had/have and it still wasn't enough. In some ways, i failed...horribly. In some ways, i accomplished what i was set out to accomplish. In some ways i trusted too much in another person.

As a kid, (as many of us do) i used to look at people and say, "that will never be me". I find myself, that person now. I gave up my life to be here, and is giving it up again to leave. Its taking a while to write this with all the tears that keep blurring my vision. I never thought it would turn out this way, but i didn't calculate the other 50% that influence the decision as well. Sometimes the goodness of your heart is not met with the same effect. But what i will say is that i have learned alot here. Alot of good things and also some things that i would like to leave here as well. But what i mostly learned is, when you give up your life to be a part of another person's...learn them and not the person you think they are. I think that should be on both sides.

My life here is done and it is time for me to start over again back in a place that housed me for 25 years. I'm more mature, focused, seasoned, and scarred so i think I'm prepared for whatever this world can throw me. But what i will say is that outside influence is not needed when the words are negative. I come from a place where when a home is broken, the words spoken are "pray to God" or "do whatever it takes to keep your family together". Here its "well it just didn't work" or "we were just delt a bad hand". It seems like when the first chance of occupying the bed of someone else presents itself, its taken. I have been in love 3 times in my life and its crazy how the scenario's kind of play out the same. Emotionally i have been battered, bruised, betrayed, taken advantage of and hurt on purpose but I'm still here. I'm not a fan of love anymore, i don't think it prevails and i don't think it conquers all. If it did, the way i have loved would have reached every heart on earth.

God has a plan for me and for me to be able to give my daughter my morals and values, i have to be in a position to do so. Again, California has been a great place to experience but i think my reign here is over. My daughter will unfortunately be the middle man in this (so to speck) but i think in the end God will get the glory. This decision wasn't the easiest by far, i think it was a bit forced, made for me and also selfish but there is a blessing in everything.

To the mother of my child: I have loved you more than any family member and even myself most of the time. I tried my best to give you a life the you never had and i succeed materialistically. I provided for you and protected you from any hurt harm or danger, but it wasn't enough. This is neither of our faults and i respect your decisions and wish you the best in your life. I still think you are a great mother and i will always love you for giving me the best gift God made available on earth...a child.

To my daughter: Taylor daddy cried for you, prayed for your soul and promise to give you the life of a princess. When you get older, you can look back at these blogs or reads my books and feel through the words what kind of heart i had. I apologize for having to leave you but i am doing all of this for you baby. I have never felt like my heart being pierced like right now. A person once told me "emails and letters are forever", and I'm hoping that these words mean as much to you as they do to me. I am not leaving with a cleared conscience, a pleased decision or with a open mind but with love for you in mind. I promise to call you, send you flowers and spend as much time as humanly possible a person can spend in 2 states. The bible says "In the last days, the heart of man will wax cold", keep in mind that you heart is different...you have my heart, so its a blessing and a curse, protect it with your life. I will introduce you to God just as i did 4 months into you being born, you are his child and i have asked him to look over you and keep you the rest of your life...i believe he will do just that. ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT DADDY LOVES YOU AND I WILL ONLY BE A PHONE CALL AWAY. (tear)

"Clueless"

I know its certain feelings that seem too familiar, like the feeling of sleepiness or hunger. But what about the feeling of protection. I go to work everyday and see people walking with their kids, laughing and playing and wonder why that option was taken from me. You never understand how people can make decisions based on their "feelings" and believe what they feel. That has to be a random life. I used to remember waking up daily and being right there for my daughter. Protection wasnt even a question because i was right there...providing wasnt a question because i was right there...but somehow the choice of me being a part time father was selfishly made for me.

I get up now and think, "where is she", "how is she doing", "is she thinking about me". When i see her, its like this uncontrolable feeling of happiness and security i get. I moved from a place i called home for 25 years only to be left as a statistic and left to die honestly. But, by me only having one brother out here and a friend that i consider my brother...i was completely surprised by the people that actually showed me love apposed to the ones that didnt. You can give everything you have to people or to a person and in the end it doesnt matter when they have their own direction. I lost, im stuck here in a foreign place...here to raise a child partially...here to raise her to have morals and values that i had when i was brought up. Its hard to do that when you know nothing about this place. I lost, stuck here to watch a person survive as they did years before me in a place thats familiar to them. But i keep hearing a voice from above say, "love, yet again it will be your turn".

People will surprise you when its either you are them. I grew up giving the very clothes on my back to a friend. I built relationships with people that i felt would go past the personality and into the soul of a person. What happens is, when some people turn their backs...pride owns them. I have suffered for things i had nothing to do with, things i didnt even do, things people "feel"...i lost. I think maybe if i had my own agenda when i came here i would have been better prepared for the outcome...but i am such a passionate person of friendship and the people i hold close to me until i dont think people are capable of doing that to ME. I lost, i lost even when it wasnt a game, i lost even when all the jokes were just silence and the wind made the only sound. I lost in a race that i wasnt even aware i was in. Then you ask yourself...who benefits...but there is never an answer for that. A smile or compliment means nothing when the intentions behind it arent genuine.

Thoughts about people and a person have never occupied my mind until now. As i get closer to clarity...i look back and see the signs of my downfall and ask myself why didnt i notice then. The answer to that is...THE HEART. The bible says, "I will give you the desires of your heart"....BUT the desire doesnt mean a wife or husband all the time. A person once told me "Dont stay with a person because of the potential"....funny how things turn out though. I can proudly say that before my child...i had many female friends...i wanted to be tha "ladies man" tha guy who all tha ladies wanted to be around. That was such a dark and lonely road that i was traveling down because once you realize that you are just a clueless person seeking attention from the opposite sex...its pointless. I have grown from EVERYTHING i used to do and wish to not convert back to it.

So while im here in a place that i have to first learn on my own...i have to be man enough to not let its "things" change me so i can teach my daughter how it really feels to love someone. Its easy to say this is a great place to raise a child when you have never lived anywhere else. I lost, i lost at not noticing i was on a road that lead nowhere and lost the option to have my daughter see her family daily.

Even when i won, i lost. Then they say when a man shows emotion, he is weak...when a man show emotion (its something he cares about deeply) he is a MAN. I have done more than any man should be forced to do but this is a lesson learned through experience. My son (one day) will know how to treat a woman and i will teach him how to love one as well. People say that love is a touchy subject...thats only when you have never really loved someone. When words stop working, all you have is action...i have shown too much. When you give a person or people power that they cant even handle...all kinds of things happen. Still to this day..."feelings" are all im thought of. Its like im not even a person anymore. My actions have proven my heart...regardless of what i say. I had some thoughts in my head...i needed to get out..."when the halftime show is over, its back to business...unfortunately some people dont know the difference".

Its crazy how one person can destroy the entire life of 2 people because of a "feeling"....im clueless.

"My Proverb"

Tonight as i sat with my daughter in my arms, i was stroking her hair and reading her the bible. Today i read her Proverbs 24 and it touch me in a way that no other scriptures ever have. I think its because I'm going through a lot at this moment in my life. But i continue not to stray away from the understanding of how God speaks to me. Everything i have read in proverbs, seems to explain more and more to me that i didn't see before hand. The first verse spoke directly to me. It goes as such:

1. Be not thou envious against evil men, neither desire to be with them:

2. For their heart studieth destruction, and their lips talk of mischief.

I have found myself attempting to become attached to a thought or an emotion that doesn't exist in my world anymore. Its easy for me to see what is reachable but for me to grasp it, doesn't entirely depends on my effort. That scripture spoke of not being jealous or wanting what a evil person possess, or even wanting to be with or around them. Sometimes you get so lost, until its not you anymore. I became a person that i didn't even know, i became a shell. Verse 2 spoke of the heart. That was the first thing that i felt get pierced. When an emotion is so deep that it becomes reality, the heart is a dangerous thing to reveal. Especially to a thing or person that "studieth destruction" or "talk or mischief". I thank God for the clarity and for the mind to seek his face and understand him and all he has left behind for me to study. I may not be as out going, most adventurous or even as spontaneous, but i am still here and God has kept me through the toughest times. I'm going to write through the 10th verse but i urge you to read the entire chapter...this has been a revelation to me and may open your eyes as well.

3. Through wisdom is a house builded; and by understanding it is established:

4. And by knowledge shall the chambers be filled with all precious and pleasant riches.

5. A wise man is strong; yea, a man of knowledge increaseth strength.

6. For by wise counsel thou shalt make thy war: and in multitude of counselors there is saftey.

7. Wisdom is too high for a fool: he openeth not his mouth in the gate.

8. He that deviseth to do evil shall be called a mischieveous person.

9. The thought of foolishness is sin: and the scorner is an abomination to men.

10. If thou faint in the day of adversity, the strength is small.

I hope that this proverb help someone. I never have posted anything like this before but everything is done for a reason. God opened my eyes with this and maybe someone else needs to read this to become understanding of what we should be or should be doing.

Salute!

"Worse Feeling I Ever Had"

Today i was awaken at 6am by my daughter (taylor) trying to put her finger in my nose. I think that was her way of telling me that she wanted a bottle. Half sleep, i lift her head off of my chest and tell her, "stay right here, daddy go be back"...but she started to whine a little. Taylor always seems to get me with that whine, sometimes i can shield my heart against it and hold out but most of the time i just give in (don't tell her though). I pick her up and carry her to the kitchen in my arms. She normally gets excited when i take her to the kitchen because that means its food time..well in her language "eht eht daddy...eht eht". I grab a bottle and she starts clapping and talking, i admire a child that knows she is loved and well taken care of. I warm the bottle up and just as i go to pick her up, the pacifier comes shooting out of her mouth. She was ready for that bottle. I lay her down on the bed, change her diaper and then we lay back down to get back up like an hour later. She couldn't sleep completely so i spent about an hour rubbing our heads together. For some reason her and i do this head rubbing thing where her forehead and mines meet and we just stare at each other. My family is very affectionate and i always wanted my daughter to be able to physically express her love with her relatives.

Then we woke up, tired and playing...i get her clothes together. I do her hair and all the while, I'm praying for her. My love for my daughter is deeper than words, i pray for her soul. When i tell a person something, i mean it with everything in me...that's if you are close to me. I think she understands everything i tell her because she seem to accept it with a smile or a smirk. I walk her in the guest room where my mother from Houston is visiting and she waves and says "bye bye"...then waves at my brother and we head out the door. On the way driving there, i look at her periodically in the car seat to make sure she is ok. I start to talk to her but normally she don't talk as much in the car. Well, she did yesterday when we went out for shrimp and fries...she really enjoyed herself. We was in the backseat of my brothers expedition saying "uh" (rick ross voice) the whole way home...she is a character. One thing though, lately she has been very clingy to me, as if I'm going somewhere. I notice it and constantly tell her, "daddy ain't goin nowhere mamma, im right here doony". So i dropped her off at daycare and was driving back home thinking about the day ahead of me. I knew i would suffer some disappointment but none like i was about to encounter.

I get home, take off my and 1 basketball shorts and put on some jeans, a tee and a jacket. I look at my mother and say, "pray for me mamm, i dont know what to expect". I nervously walk out the door, down the hall, took the elevator and on to my car. I crank my car and pause for a minute asking God for guidance and help.

I go down to a building and they tell me that i was at the wrong building first. I had to go to another building and then come back to that one. So i pay the parking tab and drive to the second location. I hope out the car, take a look around and you can smell the stench of regret in the air in front of this place. I put quarters in the meter and then i walk in. I was told to remove everything from my pockets and my belt as well. Then i was told to stand in this line and wait until it was my turn. I had gotten there about 10am and as i stood in line, i noticed the "kind" of people i was around. I was around people who were obviously distraught, hurt, helpless and a couple of other words that i don't want to use. As i looked on with paperwork in my hand, i wondered if i was to pass by me while i was standing in line, would i look like i belonged there. I don't think i did. I think that place is for people who made mistakes, for people who cant jointly come to a conclusion. I looked different, i felt different but yet i was the same.

Some of us get to a point where we feel like we are better than another person and God has a way of putting you in the exact situation you thought you were better than. I didn't make this decision to be there, it was made for me...i was simply exercising my right as a man and a father. I had never knew anything about this place, my family had never went through this. I had never even experienced this, this was never a conversation in my home growing up...but yet i find myself on the front line. I felt like a soldier that signed up for some that i believed in only to find out that the person whom i signed up for, never believed in me.

Inch by inch i got closer to the "lady at the window". I was clearly out of place and i felt every second of it. I remembered back to my childhood and how i had no father there and that is what gave me the strength to stand up for myself and stay there. I thought about leaving as soon as i got in that place...i never wanted to be there. I was also reminded of a conversation that i had with a woman earlier in which she said, "i raised my daughter for 4 years without any help and she turned out fine" then i chimed in and said, "but i have been there everyday of my daughters life and i am a part of her life...your situation is different". It was almost as if she was trying to encourage me to let my daughter go. All these things played a part in my head as i stood there.

Then finally after 2 1/2 hours, i was called. I walked to her and the first question she asked me, i felt like a kid that didn't know nothing. Its one thing to be aware of something but its the worse feeling to be completely in the dark when it comes to something that has to do with you. Clearly embarrassed, i just asked her for advice and paperwork and then i left. I had never walked so fast in my life to get out of a place. As i pushed the door open i rested my back against the wall, feeling both tricked and betrayed. Often times people act on what they feel but feelings have proven to be a quick ticket to disaster.

Thinking that paperwork would define my daughters rights until she is 18, i refused to go ahead with the process. I love my little girl and she is not property to me, she is a human being that deserves the chance to grow up freely in a world where she is loved period. I felt like I'm taking a loss but in the end, my daughter wins. She wins a chance at not being subject to a piece of paper that says when or how often she can see me. Evangelist Dorothy Johnson once said "these are people from all walks of life, allowing sinful people to judge there sinful acts or wicked deeds". "The judges arent just...they say what they feel and back it up with the law". "That aint God".

I have been there daily, don't that count for anything. My father was never there for me and i vowed to be a great dad and i have well exceeded that. But, I'm some strange world...even though i won, i lost. We shall see what the future holds, will it get worse and i having to take the road less traveled. This could have gotten ugly if i was ignorant, thank God for my fear of him.

To all the fathers, if you are instrumental in your child's life, give them whats best for them. When parents makes decisions, they are often blinded by their selfish reason which seem right but makes for a nasty outcome. The child is priority not property!

I'm just glad that i have someone i can love and love with no hold backs..love u Tay!

"Her Spirit Talks To Me"

Looking through the window as the water from the rain beads against it making one of the most beautiful sounds imaginable, i reminisce.

Coming home to a little girl with arms outstretched reaching for me was a gift in itself. Rolling around with her on the floor watching as she figure out what pain is...thinking whether to cry or not. Crawling through the house looking for anything to grab or to rip apart. Watching her as she learned how to pull up on a couch and how she loved to be in my arms. She would always hit me in my leg and give me this "daddy pick me up NOW" look and i would always comply. One time she climbed on the couch and she liked when i made punching sounds with my mouth...she would laugh so hard...i would just thank God for such a beautiful daughter. Then one day i heard her making sounds and the first word was "dada". As a man and a father i felt so proud of her. There is no better feeling other than a child noticing you or acknowledging you and they cant even walk. That was one of the best days of my life.

I remember i used to walk up every night and make sure she was comfortable. She hates to be under the cover but she likes cool air so i would wrap her up so she wouldn't get cold. She was a very active baby when she slept, she loved to move around. Nightly, i would get out of bed at least 3 to 4 times giving her a bottle, changing her or even just making sure she was on her right side or on her stomach. She loves to sleep on her right side. I used to love combing her curly hair and made little jokes and baby sounds as i did it. She is such a beautiful baby and she compliments everything that i am as a man. I never missed any of her doctors appointments even if they were 15 mins, i would take time off and be right there. I felt it was important that i was there and not just one parent to represent her. Anything that little beautiful girl wanted or needed...she got. She had almost 2 of everything, 2 beds, 2 swings, 2 walkers...it was like we bought in bulk lol. The first day she walked, i was in the kitchen and it felt like a dream. Tears filled up my eyes because it was at that moment when my little girl believed in herself and her body enough to physically support herself. This was her independence!

Nothing was ever face value for me, with her. I would always look deeper than what the situation presented. Example: I was at home in the living room with her and i was giving her "tummy time". For those of you who don't know what that is, that's when a child began to build up their mechanics and start to strengthen their body parts. As she was on her stomach i was laying down in front of her saying, "Come on mamma, i know you can do it". It was then when she looked up at me barely able to hold her head up for long periods of time, and started to cry a bit. The thing is, even though she was crying....she still was trying. It was at that moment when i felt our spirits talked. I felt like i was witnessing one of the most flawless moments ever. As she was becoming aggravated with not getting the job completely done, and tears began to fill up in her eyes...i felt her spirit say to me, "daddy im trying, im trying daddy...im not going to give up". She was basically showing me that she didnt want to let me down...thats love. I grabbed her and we laid their holding each other. I knew at that moment what kind of heart she had....my heart. Even when she didn't feel like it could be done and even though she couldn't hold her head up for that long...she still didn't give up.

I hope she carry this trait with her the rest of her life. She continues to surprise me with the things she does and even say. Now a days when i hold her in my arms, i think about my life and the drugs, guns and things i had to witness coming up. Im giving her the life i never had but she is getting the realness of it with the way i talk to her and the things i explain to her. I was walking with her in my arms, in the hallway about 2 weeks ago and i said to her, "Always watch people tay, smiles aint always what it means, remember to stay aware of where you are at and remember that daddy loves you". She just looked at me with a blank face but i knew that she understood what i meant in her spirit. "Normal" people wouldn't understand what I'm doing but this is a deeper bond I'm building with my little girl.

Two nights ago she was sleeping in her crib and i was in the bed and i woke up briefly thinking about her and at that very moment...she screamed out, "daddyyy" and then she fell back asleep. These are things that allows me to know that we are connected in ways that people would never understand. I obviously would die for her but i would give up my soul to be able to see her and be with her everyday again.

Our spirits talk all day and she tells me, "daddy i know you love me, don't worry about nothing, everything is going to be OK". The crazy thing is, even though she is 1 years old....i believe what she says with everything in me.

Daddy Loves You Taylor! (kiss)

"Word For Word" 1st Edition "Out Tha Rap Game"

Definition: Word For Word is something i decided to come up with to explain that music havent lost all of its importance. Music is suppose to be imformative and when you hear a song or a cd, you suppose to be able to at least know something about that person. Here is my Word For Word for the song "Out Tha Rap Game". This is something i wrote while ago, but i think that the picture it illustrates allows people to see what i was referring to.

"Out Tha Rap Game"

I seen my whole life flash before my eyes that night

Sold dope, packed guns, did all that right

Tha options i had wasnt all that bad

I mean, at least i had a mother in place of a dad

At least i had a lack in place of a jag

And i brag like "this tha best a nigga ever had"

Roof kinda rusty carpet kinda musty

But i rode four lanes like a boss nigga trust me

Felt hood rich couldnt nan nigga touch me

So indecisive couldnt nan nigga trust me

In middle school, ridiculed for tha wardrobes

A couple fake fubu's (no barcodes)

Starched down jeans as a freshman

Kissin cheerleaders where im from was a blessin

Them Wilson Road niggas were tha hardest

Niggas said what they wanted but we ran that regardless

Getting freaks, selling sweets out the five star

Slap boxing in tha hood taught me southpaw

I had a little incident on tha sidewalk

Yeah that butterfly knife made his side talk

10th Grade grew braids, check that hang time

Taking test and getting braided at tha same time

So many G's in my fam, i dont (own) have to fight

I guess you'll catch me in tha after life

Chorus: Ay im here now, money on my mind

Gotta give it to em now cause im running out of time

Yeah im out tha rap game, im back on my bs

Niggas call it real talk, homie i jus call it GS

Song Download : http://Ink.ms/C41rM

I wrote this some time ago but this is the name of the mixtape as well "Out Tha Rap Game". Now let me share with you how God works. As you can see, i havent always been on his side. But through just that little i shared, he has kept me. This mixtape idea came because i was like "mayne i need to go back to the old me, and leave this radio music alone". I wanted to go back to where i was from in my music, give it to people like life gave it to me. Start to talk about the guns, and drugs and women. So i was sayin that i was "Out Tha Rap Game" and now just telling a story or many stories over a beat. To me this sounded like i was accomplishing something....NO. In the midst of this project coming out (which by the way havent but will with free download) God and i had a little run in. He showed me myself in all that i was doing and the stuff i was saying. Basically he challenged me to do something that would impact people in a positive way, to teach people and not inform them of. I was taken back because i always wanted to teach people in a sense, and this would be a great way to do it.

So to conclude what im saying if you havent gotten it yet. The bible says things are predestined, meaning certain things are suppose to happen. Look at the title of that song which is the exact name of the entire mixtape..."Out Tha Rap Game". God was taking me out of that before hand and i didnt even know it. I get goosebumps when i here tha chorus and its says "gotta give it to em now cause im running out of time". Running out of time, time for what you ask...well now i ask the same question. This stuff isnt a game, this is life. Mayne, i dont know how you view it but my life has been too serious not to acknowledge certain things. God is good even when your not good to yourself.

The funny thing is, that part of the chorus when it says "im back on my bs"...people would think i mean the obvious...but when that talk with God happened...that meant "Bible Study". Wow...smh...it gets deep...i promise you will know me in the end.

"More Than A Ride"

In 2002, a year after i graduated high school...i started to feel everything that came along with not being around those friendly faces everyday. I was from and was in at the time, what people would consider...tha hood. This wasn't nothing new to me but what was new was not having that outlet (school) anymore. I had gotten 52 letters in high school, 4 of which were full rides and i bypassed it all. My mother and i used to open them all up and read what colleges had what and what they could offer me academically. What people didn't know, even though, i hustled, barely went to school....i still maintained a 3.2 on a 4.0 scale. I didn't take the college route because i felt my mother needed me, but now that i look back at it...i should have went to college right out of high school. I was far from a dummy. Sometimes i thought i think too much because it was always something in my head. I used to get mad when i asked a person "what u thinkin bout" and they would reply, "nothing". I found it impossible to be alive and not have a constant thought. But the same thing i admired about myself, soon became the same thing that was about to be my demise.

One day i woke up with this huge cloud of grief, it wasn't nothing unusual. When you grew up in places i grew up, that feeling was normal and if you didn't have it, something that day was about to get really bad. My mother is an evangelist and we would have church on Sunday in our living room. People would come over and it felt like a church. But for some reason i would always have this unexplainable feeling right after it every Sunday. I remember this one Sunday after church, i was sitting in my room on my bed and just started crying. My big bro Tank (name he is hugely known by) walked in, put his hand on my shoulder and asked "whats wrong B". I looked up at him and said, "I don't know". I was crying and couldn't explain the reasoning why i was even crying. Not only was it confusing to me but i can only imagine how confusing it was to my brother who was trying to help me through it. We just sat there for a while and i the feeling left after about 30 minutes. I was trying to channel that exact emotion because i had always been able to get passed a feeling, i guess i was special lol.

Later that week, that feeling came back. As i was in the front of the apartment playing music, i just started to feel worthless. I felt like what ever was in my life was there because of me. The lack of money, happiness, comfort...everything. I grabbed my mothers keys and hopped in her van. I told myself that i was just going to go ridin. I lived in humble at the time and there is a part of 59 freeway that connects to 45 freeway and its a long drop from the freeway to the street. As i was driving down 59 getting closer to 45, i didn't feel like i had complete control of what i was doing. It seemed like i was just in the drivers seat but something or someone was driver the vehicle. At that point, thoughts of suicide started to entertain my mind. Something was telling me to drive off the freeway and end it all. There was no reason i was that far down 59 just "ridin" anyway. I had music playing and as these thoughts started to become more and more, i turned the music up. It seemed though, the more i turned the music up, the louder the thoughts became. I started to swerve on the street to regain some kind of control and then it happened....EVERYTHING WENT BLACK. My body was relaxed, my mind was calm, i felt like a human being again.

I used to always pray to God and ask him, "why me God, why i gotta live this life..why other people don't have to live this". But God chase whom he loves. I guess i never wanted to accept who or what i meant to him. When a woman creates a child, its hard for her to just let it go or not worry about it...its a part of her. I am a part of God and didn't think he loved me as much but he never let me die.

The next morning was Sunday, we had church at another location. As i sat in that seat, clueless of how i even gotten back home or how i even was still alive...i was just froze. As they welcomed all the new faces to the service, there is normally a scripture reading of the persons choice to open the service. For the first time in my life, they asked me to read a scripture. They didn't know what happened to me the night before, they didn't understand the things that was going through my head. I grabbed the bible that my mother was handing me to pick a scripture to read out of. I stood up and just opened the bible. I told myself where ever it lands, that's what I'm going to read. I remember reading a scripture that said, "i gave you ears, i gave you eyes, im God". That isn't what it said word for word but what i got from it as soon as i read it was, God was telling me "i gave you those eyes from all this stuff you see, i gave you ears from all this stuff you hear...i see what you going through and i hear your prayers, I'M GOD". I started crying in church. I was never an emotional person, actually people would consider me more "emotionless" appose to anything else. I shared the story of how i was about to take my life and my sister looked at me and said, "I felt you were about to do something like that but we Vinson's, God made us special". Then my mother hugged me and said, "The devil wanted you out the way because he know you gonna be a problem, you aint goin nowhere, we need you down here".

This is the family that i have. We lived in the ghetto, hood...are hood, whatever you want to call us, but we are strong.

Someone may read this and may be going through the same thoughts i did, just know that you are valuable to life even when life seemed to have given you up. Without trial, there is no story...be thankful for the problems.

I'm glad to say that i was reading the bible tonight and ran across that scripture that i had been looking for, for 8 years.

Proverbs 20:12 "Ears that hear, eyes that see, the Lord has made them both."

"1:17:48 (1 Hour, 17 Minutes and 48 Seconds"

I walked into the living room, daughter in arm and opened my window. Thinking that i would have the same amount of bad luck day after day, my phone rings. I take the call and to much of my surprise, my view on life changed.

We are different, men and women that is...and we rely on different emotions or way to express feelings or thoughts. From a man, what we feel isn't what we do. For example, if a woman says, "i just wanna vent, will you just listen" the man would say, "yeah i got you". The woman begins to talk and somewhere in the middle of even the end of that venting, the man is already making ways on how to fix that problem. Women on the other hand are emotional and often rely on the way they feel to pattern there actions. The bible speaks that the woman is the weaker vessel. Not lesser or beneath us but weaker in the emotion area. We all have someone to submit to and it has always been a chain of command so to speak.

This phone call opened my eyes to more than they were opened to already. Einstein says "The definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting a different outcome" which makes you insane. This is something that most of us are familiar with. You don't have to go insane the literal way but it makes the judgement call a little more cloudy than usual.

I used to think that because i have a problem, whether it be within me or with someone else, i created it because it was me. I also thought that because i "created" it, i was bigger than it and i had control over it. No, i was wrong. We don't often admit that what we create, we have to deal with and sometimes it may not even make it back to its original form before our interference. We often point the finger at a problem that we created because the outcome is that of something that we didn't see coming. Results by definition means "To come about as a consequence" or "To end a particular way". Basically results means what our "intentions" were appose to what the actual outcome was. Sometimes a result can get so far out of our hands until we have no choice but to fight back. Originally that result, was a result...of our results..(read that slowly lol).

They say that you have to first forgive yourself before you forgive other people. I thought this was easy seeing that its yourself....NO i was wrong again. Forgive by definition means "To excuse for fault of offense; pardon" or "To renounce anger or resentment against". The bible says in Matthew 6:14-16 "For if you forgive me when they sin against you, your heavenly father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, you father will not forgive you your sins". Judging by facts of the word, i haven't forgiven myself properly almost ever. I say "i forgive you" but continue to speak on it and relive it and convert back to it. Its says to "pardon" (the act of liberating something or someone), and liberate means "To free from confinement". I have been going about things the wrong way and by this, if you believe....I'm sure many of you have as well. The bible says that we are continually coming into the knowledge of, so its never a time where we should feel content with what we know. I thought i knew too much already, NO...wrong again. I know now that forgiving someone is not just a word or words but its a lifestyle, never to return to the thoughts of or feeling of that again after the initial pardon. But, remember that before you can forgive (pardon) others, you must forgive yourself...never to speak on that again.

Then we come to this word that has been around for years but not many would own up to it "Pride". Pride by definition means "Arrogance or disdainful conduct or treatment; haughtiness". Looking at the definition, most of us would say.."nah that aint me" but we are just that in every since of the word. The bible says warning comes before destruction, and society says that pride is the ego of the world. Its great to think highly of yourself but to feel as if you are better than someone or too much to have a conversation with them, your damaging yourself. The bible says that "He who think he is something when he is nothing, deceives him own self". We tend to think we mean more to this world or our self than this world or our self think we mean to it. Its one thing to have evil deceive us because that's what its there to do but when we deceive our self...its foolish.

Finally we are on to the word "Love". Love by definition means "A strong positive emotion of regard and affection". Love for God, parents, friends, relatives or your spouse is to not want to let down or disappoint. When you get to the point of not caring, love is no longer there. Remember to Love as God does, we are not judged as a group but as individuals.

"Its not what you GO through, its what you GROW through" -Seven-

Good looking out on the call from Seven, dude is very insightful...also Cixx and Bizzle..we got this!

"A Loss For Words"

Trapped in emotion

Its like an empty filled room,

Each moment is embellished with triumphant thoughts

But epic actions are consumed

I dare say who dares me

Is it you, is it the voicetrous mute,

Is it the shadow of a grin

In its lowest point, but we title cute

The feel of comfort surrounds me

The surrounding or normalcy embrace me,

The complaints protect me

The happiness and wandering replace me

I stand to stumble

I sit to balance

I whisper to scream

I fix to damage

Flashing lights and car horns

Boggles my mind with direction and color

Pieces of me left in wars I never fought

Explains the protection of obvious trouble

Old futures, new pasts

Touching the sky's with the pride of a lions death

Beginnings began to end

Rubble connects like puzzles as if they originally met

A poisoned pen write stories of life

A tormented mind creates solution

Nothings free always a price

Thoughtlessness figures its own conclusion

I'm at a loss for words!

Was He Wrong?!?!?

I wake up to the sound of a circular Walmart fan paralyzing the very movement of me this morning. Reach over, grab my phone that was vibrating and noticed i have some voice mails. I then pick up my other phone and notice some messages on it. I check the text messages first cause they are alot more easier to check appose to voice mails.

Half sleep, still wrapped up in my blanket like a fire victim, i start to read my messages. I get one from my potna that reads "Ay bro, holla at me mayne..she treepin again and i want to know was i wrong". I then see about 5 more messages from him referencing the same things. I figure this was important...kinda...lol so i get up stumble to the bathroom and wash my face. As soon as i go to brush my teeth, my phone rings. I look at the name and its him. I think to myself "lemme call him after I'm done" then i hear a knock on my door. I'm thinking to myself, "who is this at my door this earlier..." so i check the peep hole and its him. I open the door and say, "good thing you know where i stay" lol. He comes in breathing slowly and sighing every chance he got itching for that moment of me saying, "mayne what up homie". I never do though...i felt if he wanted to express himself, he would.

He sits down on the couch and start to tell me what happened.

Instead of me commenting or making faces concerning what he is saying, i just sit there and listen..this is his story.

He works in a place where you have to be professional and also courteous to the customers. He pride himself on customer service and is often requested for only him to work for the customer per request. One day, he was at work and a call comes in for his service. He takes the call and goes to the customers house. It was a lady customer that has 2 kids, a boy and a young girl. She is in her early 40's and is new to the area. He also notices that the kids are mixed. So during small talk, the customer tells him she moved here to get closer to the kids dad. The dad is black and she is white. He continues to talk to her but there is nothing but professionalism that he keeps. He notices that the problem is going to not be a one day job so he informs the customer. He also tells her, "If the problem worsen, text me and i will help you fix the problem or stop by to prevent any further damage". He then gives the resident his text number on a company tag and then leaves to return the next day.

Meanwhile, he is in a relationship and have been for years. His relationship was already rocky because of issues his partner had before him that she didn't quite get out of her system. So he tried his best to keep work and home separate for such reasons. The customer didn't use the number that day, but she would soon do so.

He returned the next day to complete the job and he does so. The customer was very satisfied with his work and even wrote a letter to his boss stating his professionalism and knowledge of the job. He wants to share these things with his partner but if he was to do so, the first question would be, "Was it a woman"? So, he keeps such news to himself.

In passing or just being out and about, at work or off...he sees her from time to time. He speaks and remains respectful, laughing and joking with her occasionally. But, he does this with all his customers that he sees when he is out or at work. He is known for being able to hold a conversation with just about anyone, about anything.

One day, he's at home and he receives a text message. The phone vibrates and his partner doesn't see the content of the message but only that its a out of state number. Her "suspicions" began. She asks him,"who is this"? "Who is who"? "Who is this messaging you from a out of state number"? At this point his partner is calm but nosey. He is all too familiar with the way this plays out so he grabs the phone and read the message. A couple months before this, his partner seen him talking to this customer in passing and was laughing. She didn't say anything but kept this in the back of her mind like it would be useful in the future. He notices that it was the customer that he had done the work at months ago. But, instead of him telling his partner that it was a woman messaging (regardless if it was for work or not...which it was about work) he thought to take the smart route out and lie. Yes I said lie.

He tells her, "Oh this is about some business stuff i been trying to find out". She is not buying it so she continues to ask "set up questions". They get into a "small" argument which leads into big ones but this time he just stayed quiet and let her speak her peace.

Then, months and months goes by and he sees less and less of this customer in passing. He starts to think maybe she moved away or something of the sort. The area where he works, he is known by most the people and he is familiar with the houses that he worked in so he knows the people as well.

One day (months later) he is at home and his partner starts to bring up the past as she regularly does, and asks him about that customer. He try and stick to the lie but forgets where the lie started at and fumbles a bit. Because of the way his partner thinks and the way she operate, when she sees this customer in passing she assumes she gets dirty looks from her. His partner even goes as far as asking him, "How do you know her kids so well"? No matter what comes out of his mouth at this point even if its the truth, its a lie. He just becomes quiet and sit there as usual and let her unload. She storms out the door saying, "My female intuition told me something was up". Meanwhile he is on the couch looking confused because he did lie but to the extreme she is taking it, is not even near the truth.

He then sit on the couch feeling like he let his partner down in some way and then he calls her. He says that he wants to tell her the truth. He starts by saying, "Ok i did lie, but it was only because i know how you get. There aint nothin between us mayne, i see her out and about but thats it. He kids know me cause i always speak to them and joke with them. I gave her my number because of a job i had there and that was that". His partner says, "Thanks for telling me tha but i knew something was up with yall, you should have told me from the jump...got me lookin like a fool". He then says, "what you talking bout, you think i was kicking it with her"? She says, "hell I dont know what yall were doin but i knew something told me about this".

He notices that even in telling the truth he is still considered a liar and at this point, much worse. He has to hang up on her because she goes into saying this wont be the last time he lies. He thought he was being honest even though he knew it would end like this. He felt maybe, just maybe this would be a time where understanding would take place.

All this time, I'm sitting on the couch looking at him like "damn bro". There was nothing i could do because some people find something wrong with everything in this world but them. You cant change the way a person thinks or the way they are, they have to. So, i say, "mayne i dont kno what to tell u dawg, sound like a movie script to me homie". He gets a little grin out of that statement and takes a deep breath in and says, "i guess this is what i signed up for".


MY THOUGHTS: I think he shouldn't have lied but given the circumstances, he was right to do so. He was trying to keep drama down while he makes a living that was comfortable for his partner.

QUESTION: Do you think he was wrong? Why or why not? What would you have done?

Men? We Are Quite Simple!!!

We all have our own personal preference of the qualities we would like our mate to have. 90% of the time, what you expect of another person very rarely happens. Women are very complex and emotional...at times they are even confusing. Men are very simple and obvious with a hint of confusion. So in my attempt to open the playing field to one side, i will express location in a home. What i mean by that is, "I" feel that there is 4 MAIN locations in the home that needs constant work. Of course we all know that a healthy relationship that can withstand tests and trials should be built on trust and honesty but there's more. Once you have established this honesty and trust, its time to add to it. Visualize a stretch of open land. Now visualize building a home there. Once that home is properly built...now its time to "add on". For the people that consider themselves spiritual...the bible says, "We are FOREVER coming into the knowledge of". If we are forever learning then we should be forever building. Complacency is the biggest loser in a relationship. First we lose that zeal to please our mate regularly then "comfort" sits in. Coming from a male point of view...i hope that i can open my heart and mind in a writing form that will allow you ladies to understand us better. Now, back to the 4 MAIN locations i mentioned earlier.

1. Kitchen
2. Living Room
3. Bedroom
4. Back Yard

Understand that i don't mean these locations literally...this is what you would call MENtal areas of interest.

The kitchen, oh yeah that is the main area that we both confuse one another in. They say that the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach. In some cases this is true and in some this is not. We go by what we have been told by our mothers, fathers, friends, and siblings but, the truth is every man is "customized". We don't like the things the next man would like necessarily. In the kitchen, we love for a woman to have that gift of being able to cook or put together that "magical" meal when there is nothing in the fridge. This is such a turn on for men. Envision a woman in a apron (or tee shirt and shorts as most woman do lol) at a stove or counter chopping and cooking away with a unshaken confidence. That in itself is enough to make a man melt. We love to give a woman that power in the kitchen and allow her to establish a place in the house that she gets pride from creating. I didn't come from the era where i feel like the woman belongs in the kitchen...but when a woman can create something in a place that has such a feminine aura, its like euphoric for a man."Some" women rather us in the kitchen. That is not a problem but where do you establish your space in the home if the most flattering place is taken by us? The kitchen is a place for a man to not only understand but accept a woman's passion for customizing for him. However you choose to do it (nude, half nude or fully dressed) the action itself is fully appreciated by us. The kitchen is a place where the man can fall in love with a woman. It may even be a place where a woman can fall in love with him. THE KITCHEN!

The living room...hummm this is a special place of interest, i like to say. The living room is where the most chemistry is created. It doesn't matter whether it be the floor, couch, chair, or small table, we learn one another in this area. Imagine sitting with your mate, watching a movie. Naturally so, the woman positions herself closer to the man allowing him to have that "feel" of her being close. To you that may not mean as much but to a man all these things added up, equals his position as man. Laying on his chest or arm comfortably gives the hearts a chance to connect on a level that the eye cant see. The woman periodically glances up to him to ask a question about the movie, the man pauses it and answers...then continue it. These small things are key in a healthy relationship. Just like the kitchen is "normally" the place where a woman takes pride in, the living room is it for a man (not all men). Most guys watch football, basketball, hockey, baseball and stay glued to it until its done. A good woman understands this and gives him his space or even join him. There is nothing more sexier than a woman that likes sports. A man gets a dominate feeling in the living room. Take the remote for example...this may be funny to you but when company is over (another man), who controls the remote? That's his place, just like some men are with their garage. Most of the time its not done intentionally, its almost as if its programmed in us lol. The living room is a place where the man can appreciate you being patient and understanding of him. This too is a place where you all can fall in love. THE LIVING ROOM!

Next up is my personal favorite, the bedroom. All of us in a relationship should be very familiar with this place. If your are not, this may just be the reason your relationship is failing. Compassion and intimacy is extremely important for a man. As stated earlier, the kitchen may be the woman's area...the living room may be the mans area...well the bedroom is equal. This is where you can be as competitive as you ever want to be. This is where a woman can feel like "THA MAN" and the man can...well...you catch my drift. Just like we don't necessarily like what another man likes in the kitchen...in the bedroom, the same rules apply. What may have been used in your previous relationships to "turn him out" may not work in this one. This is where customizing is suppose to be perfected. Lets talk "grown folk" talk for a minute. In middle school we started to appreciate the early stages of a females body but in high school that changed. We then (in high school and college) started to figure out what we were good at sexually...what could make her respond in a certain way. I'm sure you women can relate as well. Now as adults, we should know what we are good at and what needs work. When you are willing to do whatever to please your mate (within the areas of comfort) he becomes more "proud" of not only what you can do but "proud" that he is the one you choose to do that with. Sex is not only physical but emotional and even spiritual at times. When two beings that are in love, commit to a heartfelt encounter that's genuine..its like being in the arms of perfection. Be willing to give him what he "needs", because if you truly love him...he not only will know it but feel it as well...physically and emotionally. THE BEDROOM!

The backyard, this is the relationship builder. OK lets review a bit before we start this location. The Kitchen is normally for the woman, the Living Room is normally for the man, the Bedroom is normally for both and here we come to the Backyard..who is this area for? Well, this is what i call the 70/30 area. The backyard would be quality time...doing nothing but doing alot. This is the emotional side of the male. Picture this, sitting in back yard underneath a canopy, two chairs, drinks of your choice and you and her. The wind blowing just right, the mood is calm and the conversations seem to flow as freely as thoughts. She opens up to him, he opens up to her. They have moments of seriousness followed by moments of laughter and joking. They look out to the sky's and enjoy life, with one another. The man enjoys this time but not as much as the woman. Maybe he does in some cases. This is when you invest time in one another and not a place, things or stuff. This is when you are secluded and have nothing but your minds and hearts...as it should be. This is where the man gains that respect. Not the normal respect, but that respect that defends you, that respect that commend you, that respect that worship you. This is where you customize one another. Enjoy that togetherness regardless of ideas, bias's or belief...connect on a level that's bigger than what society has deemed as "suitable". Become that backyard. THE BACKYARD!

Many of my views may not be agreed upon by all, but understand i played both sides while allowing you to understand one particular side. I don't know your situation, i don't know your relationship but what i do know is these locations are real. I cant tell you exactly what to do or how to do it, this is where common sense along with trial and error comes into play. Don't be afraid to customize your relationship, because in the end it becomes the exact way you want it. These things are never an overnight process but the ending results are bliss.

As you can see, a man is not hard to please. We actually just view things differently than you do. No matter how much you say you know us or how complicated you think we are...We Are Quite Simple!

*Please leave a comment...
*Sources included All Men from all walks of life!

"A Moment Of Clarity"

We all wake up to this uneasy interpretation called life. Some look for every answer to every question, every small detail in the intricate step. We subconsciously want to know the future but really don't. We think we know what's best for us. What's best for the choices we making in life thus far or what's best, in general. We have programmed ourselves to think we are professional self teachers and life is the instructor. This is what I call "factual opinions".

The bible says "He that think he knows when he doesn't, he deceives his own self". Born into a world or deception and practicing the continued beginning, we unknowingly do it to ourselves. Sometimes we believe the outcome now will be the same outcome as before so we lean on the "settling" way of emotion and life. We settle for not being the best, just good enough. We settle for not being that person for someone, just that thang on the side. We settle for not being financially stable, but we look good. One would argue that this is not settling but in fact, being content. Being content comes when what you would have liked to be accomplished, is accomplished.

We have heard time and time again that we are in this "microwave society". Meaning, we like things right then and there. Preparing the generation of ourselves and after us to live life with thin patience or absolutely non at all. We can't wait for things anymore. Statistics show that since 2000 we have had a large increase in mental instability. People can't make decisions on their own and when they do, that decision is second guessed. Statistics also show that since 2000, the amount of sexual encounters by the "average female" have increased by 4 partners extra a year. That number is now at 8 sexual partners a year. Is this because we can't make a solid decision and stick with it or is it because we like the idea of just doing what we want and think consequences don't exist. Think about this.

Remember back before they had all the "modern medicine" and cures for different things. Remember back when they didn't have seat belts or airbags in cars. Remember back when they didn't have all these electronics. They made life work for them with what they had, the best way they could. Mildly educated but very intelligent and experienced. We will never face what they faced, but we see what they have seen....just in a different form. When u think about all the things that the people before us didn't have, do u think we have it easier or harder. I personally think we have it easy, but we make it as hard as possible.

Example

Pam is 57 now and have 3 kids. One is 24, the other is 20 and the youngest is 18. When Pam was raised, she didn't own a car until her late 20's and didn't move into a house until her mid 30's. As a kid she didn't have many clothes, nice shoes or even much food sometimes. She endured what we would call poverty. Through her experiences, she wanted to create a better life for her kids and their kids. She sacrificed much to make sure she provided for her kids. The 24 year old on the other hand, lived most of his life in a house. He had a car at 16 and had all the name brand clothes he wanted. Even with all this he had, he still wanted to "sell dope". Financially he needed no parts of this obviously but this was clearly a "decision" he made. It wasn't a choice, a choice requires conflict of thoughts or something of the sort. He ends up getting caught with drugs on him and get 7 months in jail. You see, this takes me back to what I stated earlier. We have it easier but we make it harder.

You don't have to be take this particular scenario and apply it. Maybe taking drugs is your drug, maybe sex is your drug, maybe money is your drug. Regardless of what it is, ask yourself why? Life is about progression and is we have the opportunity to be better....why not?

"Every Feeling Possible" (Part 2 of 3)

The change in me was overwhelming you could say. I mean, I didn't have that once before excitement for seeing my baby jump around during the ultrasound like I thought. Instead, it was just a dot. Sitting in the room of the doctor, I lean back in my seat. I had taken a camcorder to record any movement or what I thought was going to be "action". I kind of slouched in the seat I was sitting in a bit like a kid that wanted to go outside and play and his mother told him no. I continued to record though, because I felt that these are moments that I will never have again with her and my family was too poor to have a camcorder when I was little or own a decent working camera even.

I continued to tape, and even though I was smiling on the outside, the inside of me was confused. As a man hoping for his first child, I expected so much more at that particular moment. I completely forgot that the growth of a child even in the womb is a "process". Some people fall in love with the fact of having just the knowledge of knowing the baby is there but not me...I wanted to see my daughter. I remember the quick drive home vividly. I remember standing up in the room after the doctor told us that she was growing just fine and things were normal. I had this blank look on my face as if all of a sudden I was surrounded by strangers. I looked at the doctor, shook his hand and walked out the door. I took the camcorder bag and threw it across my shoulder and began my slow paced walk to the elevator. I got in and pressed 1st floor and remember thinking, "God how much more longer do I have to wait to see her"?

You have to understand that I came to an entirely different coast with no family except for a brother that lived 45 minutes away. I wanted that feel of having family around constantly like I had growing up, even in my adult years. Just the thought of having someone else around me that shared my sense of humor, looked like me and even loved me as much as I loved them...was the best gift God could have blessed me with. I didn't want to feel alone no more and feel like I had to always think like the streets when I left home, I wanted to comfort feel.

As the elevator reached the 1st floor, I walked out aggravated and both content at the same time. I got in the car, sat in the driver seat gazing at the windshield and then left. I could only thoughtfully compare the feeling to winning the lottery and getting there only to find out that your money will come 9 months later. With me feeling the way I felt and the extra emotion and frustration coming from the misses, it was a grueling period for me. Even though an extended version of me was near, I still felt alone. Its crazy cause you can be in a room full of people and still feel like the room is empty. Waiting for my daughter to enter the world was like getting your favorite birthday meal and having to look at the oven and stove but for it to reach its perfection, patience had to be present. I knew eventually I would get to see her, but I always thought what would she look like, how would she smile, how would she talk. Only time will tell.

I got home one day and called the smartest person I know, my mother. Its seems she always have advice to give and its that advice that's deeper than what you see. That's why I like talking to her because she makes me a better person in 45 minutes of conversation, than taking a college course and entire semester. She always quote bible scriptures as if she had the convo planned out and a bible in front of her. She told me that patience is not only a virtue but also a gift. Then she went into detail and explaining it more. Its like being on E and with every new conclusion you come to, you get closer and closer to that F. After that phone call, there was another change that took place. This change was more of a positive change I think, I mean the "process" was a little more bearable. As you know, with change comes adjustments....adjustments that I wasn't fully prepared for.

"Every Feeling Possible" (Part 1 of 3)

I was woke up by a question as I slept December of 2008. The question was "do you love me" and I answered, "yeah now let me go back to sleep". Then there was a second question, "are you in love with me" and I replied, "yeah, gimme 10 minutes and we can talk away". Then there was another question, "do u see yourself spending the rest of your like with me" and I replied and said "what up with all tha questions"? She said, "come here I wanna show u something". I was half sleep at this point not wanting to move at all. My body felt heavy as I laid on the California pillow top king mattress I had just bought.

She then shook me some more and said, "come on, get up". Aggravated, I got up. Honestly in my head, I was hoping for some morning "fun" but what I was about to hear was about to change my life. I was guided down the bedroom hallway by her hand. Trying to wake myself up and watch my step, I stumbled behind her to the bathroom. She told me to close my eyes, then I got real excited. I was thinking, this has never happened. So I positioned myself awaiting the feel of her but I was interrupted by her telling me to open them back up. When I opened my eyes back up, there it was. In BOLD blue letters, it read PREGNANT. I stood there for like 30 seconds froze. That 30 seconds felt like 5 days. I remember having this happening 2 times before in my life but I was young and clearly not ready for a child.

I wear clear contacts, that I didn't have on so with the combination of sleepiness and blurred vision, I thought I was reading it wrong. So I ran my hand across my face, rubbed my eyes and leaned down to get a better look and the letters didn't change. It clearly said PREGNANT. I leaned back up, turned towards to door and walked out. I went back to my bed. I didn't have any feelings going through my head at that point, I was thoughtless. I laid back down and I felt both good and bad. I felt bad because I didn't give her any words of comfort. I know this had to have been a real confusing moment for her. I felt good because I finally was getting what I wanted but it was a strange good because it came so instant and quick. I laid there in bed happy, confused, nervous and ready. I had always prepared myself for a change that I knew about and in this case I had months to prepare. The hard part was yet to come though.

I ended up at home alone that day thinking about life that was to come. Its a crazy feeling when u have to prepare but not know what exactly to prepare for. I just knew that whatever I was preparing for, I was going to be ready. So, I called one of my good friends that has 3 kids and asked him for advice. But, he is the type of person that you call and they give you the "harsh" reality advice. You know that advice you get and after you get it, you feel like the world is about to end. That is the kind of advice he gives. So I called and asked, "ay mayne, what should I prepare for...what should I expect"? He responded saying, "mayne its two ways this can go, real bad or real good...there is no middle". I looked at the phone like, what have I gotten myself into.

He explained that it all depends on the happiness of the parents that transfer to the happiness of the child. This guy sounded like a baby professional. I had never heard him talk like this. He had me taking notes and I was nodding my head up and down agreeing with him as if he could see me through the phone. When I hung up I felt like I could take on the world.

I went to the first doctors appointment and seen a little dot. I was anxious to see the whole baby though. Me being me, I was like "ay doc where is the rest of the baby". He said, "it haven't developed completely yet". I thought I was going to see legs, arms maybe the baby making faces at me. Completely clueless, I sat there just looking at a screen that didn't seem to change. I think up until that point, I had this feelings of urgency but as I sat I began to feel a change in me.

"A False Truth"

As I sit in class staring at the clock wondering why this last 30 minutes feel like 5 hours, I think to myself....what can I do to get her attention. This was a class that was filled with juniors and seniors and high school seemed so much more fun when people knew me. I was able to get everyone else attention except for hers.

She was about 5'5 or 5'6 with the most beautiful long hair that matched her perfect smile. Her body was that of the best dream you had ever had and her walk made u weak when u watched her. She could make any outfit look like it was made just to fit her body. She wore glasses which would indicate that she was a nerd but contrary to the stereotype, she was both smart and popular. She hung with about 4 to 6 other females that titled their clique "the isha click" because all of their names ended in isha. I would purposely get to class early and stand outside the door before class started so that I could see her up close and speak to her as she entered. She was always lady-like and was very quiet. I was popular enough in high school for her to know exactly who I was but she was the only person in school that I couldn't muster up the courage to approach.

As class went on, I would draw her name over and over on my book cover. I had it bad, I know. In my entire life, I had never felt this way about a person before. I used to pray to God, "God if you allow me to be with her, I promise I will go to church the rest of my life". This person had me making promises to God that I didn't even think I could keep.

My mother's apartment overlooked her house that was a street over. I used to just sit in the window when I knew she was outside and just stare at her. I would wonder, how did it feel to be admired that much or desired that much and not have a clue.

Normally when class would end, I would catch myself thinking about the next class, a day later with her. Emotionally she captured all my energy and focused it on her whenever she came around. We would all hang out in the hallway until the next class and I would tell myself, "just walk up to her, and say SOMETHING". Every time I felt I was ready to step up....I wasn't. I would bounce my shoulders up and down, shake my head and say..."here we go"....but my feet wouldn't go her way. In my mind she defined everything I thought the perfect person was.

I couldn't help the way I felt about her at all. I still had female friends that were more than friends but she had my heart. I think I was so into her because she was what I thought a real woman was. My mother used to always say to us, "don't brang no half raised chicken round here"....I would cry laughing.

Then one day, I was in class and I said to myself "don't let this chance pass, at least attempt". So I looked down at my book cover that had her name wrote all over it and pulled out a sheet of paper. At first I was going to draw her a picture because in high school I could draw anything but I thought that would be too lame. So I began to write a letter. The letter basically explained that I thought she was a cool person and that I thought she was cute. I added a couple of jokes in it for laughs but mostly compliments. I folded it up and then sat it on the middle page of the book we were looking over. I wasn't scared to give it to her, I was more so nervous....like, would she even read it. I was sure she got a lot of attention from guys and I thought she would think I was on that same stuff too. I started asking myself questions like any guy would..."what if she don't like me like I like her" or "what if she tell her friends and they all laugh and joke about it". So at that point I was like forget it.

A friend in the class knew I liked her and he would joke with me about it. It was easy for me to find ways to approach a female, directly or indirectly. But as that letter sat on my desk, my friend in the next desk over, was eyeing it. I didn't know it at all. He had seen me write it and not know what it was but on the front of the folded letter it said, "To: Her From: Me". In that class, the teacher was raising money everyday for school trips and he sold candy, chips and school supplies at the entrance of the class. He would give us breaks and we could buy things or either stand out front and then sit back down. I went to buy some chips and when I got back to my seat, the letter wasn't there. I almost broke my ankle running around that desk looking for that letter.

Then something told me to look up towards where she was sitting and there it was. In her hands and she was reading it. My friend had taken the letter and did what I didn't think I could do on my own. He went up and laid it on her desk. She had gotten some snacks as well so when she got back to her desk, it was sitting there. I sat rows behind her, to the left, so I had a good view of her and where she sat. I was trying to pay attention to her head movement when she was reading it because you can tell when a person thinks its a joke. I was more nervous than I had ever been. My legs were bouncing under the desk, I was getting hot and I thought I started hearing things....I mean I was clearly uncomfortable.

At that point I just sat there and laid my head on my desk. You know that feeling you have when you want something to just be over with, well that's the exact feeling I had. I lifted my head up from the desk about 5 minutes later only to see her looking down. I thought to myself....man I lost without even taking a shot of my own. So as I sat there emotionless and feeling like a failure, the bell rang for the class to end. I wanted to be the last to leave because I didn't want anyone walking behind me that was in that class. I just wanted no one to know. For some reason I felt like the entire class knew.

So I sat there for like 3 minutes or so until the class cleared and then I got up, grabbed my backpack and made for the door. As I was leaving out the door, to the right....there she was. She was holding her binder on her chest with both arms and had a smile on her face. She waited there just for me. She looked at me and said "hey, here you go". She handed me the letter i wrote her with a continued letter from her. I looked at her and was bout to apologize but she handed it to me and walked off. Eager to see what her response could be, I ducked away into the restroom to read it. It said that I seemed like a nice guy and that she felt like she always could connect with me somehow.

Here I was thinking that the only girl I wanted to notice me, didn't....but she did. We began to write back and forth for almost a month and then my letters began to sound too much like hers and she thought I was making things up to relate to her. We kept what we talked about between us so no one knew, at least I think no one did. Letters began to be passed less and talks became "hi, bye" or waves.

Years after we graduated, coincidentally she moved next to my sister. I would see her come and go and she would speak and I would to but nothing would come of it. I found out months later that she was great at hiding things. She didn't turn out to be the well put together innocent girl that she portrayed to be. Instead she was the classic, party on Saturday and sing in the choir Sunday girl. After she became pregnant by a guy who didn't want it, I swallowed my pride and took the incident as a confirmation.

I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. She had had my heart for years but on that day, I got it back.

I think with my eyes close now to avoid the visual distraction, its more clearer. In this case, I was wrong but not completely wrong. It was true that I "had it bad" yeah, bad judgement.