As I sit in class staring at the clock wondering why this last 30 minutes feel like 5 hours, I think to myself....what can I do to get her attention. This was a class that was filled with juniors and seniors and high school seemed so much more fun when people knew me. I was able to get everyone else attention except for hers.
She was about 5'5 or 5'6 with the most beautiful long hair that matched her perfect smile. Her body was that of the best dream you had ever had and her walk made u weak when u watched her. She could make any outfit look like it was made just to fit her body. She wore glasses which would indicate that she was a nerd but contrary to the stereotype, she was both smart and popular. She hung with about 4 to 6 other females that titled their clique "the isha click" because all of their names ended in isha. I would purposely get to class early and stand outside the door before class started so that I could see her up close and speak to her as she entered. She was always lady-like and was very quiet. I was popular enough in high school for her to know exactly who I was but she was the only person in school that I couldn't muster up the courage to approach.
As class went on, I would draw her name over and over on my book cover. I had it bad, I know. In my entire life, I had never felt this way about a person before. I used to pray to God, "God if you allow me to be with her, I promise I will go to church the rest of my life". This person had me making promises to God that I didn't even think I could keep.
My mother's apartment overlooked her house that was a street over. I used to just sit in the window when I knew she was outside and just stare at her. I would wonder, how did it feel to be admired that much or desired that much and not have a clue.
Normally when class would end, I would catch myself thinking about the next class, a day later with her. Emotionally she captured all my energy and focused it on her whenever she came around. We would all hang out in the hallway until the next class and I would tell myself, "just walk up to her, and say SOMETHING". Every time I felt I was ready to step up....I wasn't. I would bounce my shoulders up and down, shake my head and say..."here we go"....but my feet wouldn't go her way. In my mind she defined everything I thought the perfect person was.
I couldn't help the way I felt about her at all. I still had female friends that were more than friends but she had my heart. I think I was so into her because she was what I thought a real woman was. My mother used to always say to us, "don't brang no half raised chicken round here"....I would cry laughing.
Then one day, I was in class and I said to myself "don't let this chance pass, at least attempt". So I looked down at my book cover that had her name wrote all over it and pulled out a sheet of paper. At first I was going to draw her a picture because in high school I could draw anything but I thought that would be too lame. So I began to write a letter. The letter basically explained that I thought she was a cool person and that I thought she was cute. I added a couple of jokes in it for laughs but mostly compliments. I folded it up and then sat it on the middle page of the book we were looking over. I wasn't scared to give it to her, I was more so nervous....like, would she even read it. I was sure she got a lot of attention from guys and I thought she would think I was on that same stuff too. I started asking myself questions like any guy would..."what if she don't like me like I like her" or "what if she tell her friends and they all laugh and joke about it". So at that point I was like forget it.
A friend in the class knew I liked her and he would joke with me about it. It was easy for me to find ways to approach a female, directly or indirectly. But as that letter sat on my desk, my friend in the next desk over, was eyeing it. I didn't know it at all. He had seen me write it and not know what it was but on the front of the folded letter it said, "To: Her From: Me". In that class, the teacher was raising money everyday for school trips and he sold candy, chips and school supplies at the entrance of the class. He would give us breaks and we could buy things or either stand out front and then sit back down. I went to buy some chips and when I got back to my seat, the letter wasn't there. I almost broke my ankle running around that desk looking for that letter.
Then something told me to look up towards where she was sitting and there it was. In her hands and she was reading it. My friend had taken the letter and did what I didn't think I could do on my own. He went up and laid it on her desk. She had gotten some snacks as well so when she got back to her desk, it was sitting there. I sat rows behind her, to the left, so I had a good view of her and where she sat. I was trying to pay attention to her head movement when she was reading it because you can tell when a person thinks its a joke. I was more nervous than I had ever been. My legs were bouncing under the desk, I was getting hot and I thought I started hearing things....I mean I was clearly uncomfortable.
At that point I just sat there and laid my head on my desk. You know that feeling you have when you want something to just be over with, well that's the exact feeling I had. I lifted my head up from the desk about 5 minutes later only to see her looking down. I thought to myself....man I lost without even taking a shot of my own. So as I sat there emotionless and feeling like a failure, the bell rang for the class to end. I wanted to be the last to leave because I didn't want anyone walking behind me that was in that class. I just wanted no one to know. For some reason I felt like the entire class knew.
So I sat there for like 3 minutes or so until the class cleared and then I got up, grabbed my backpack and made for the door. As I was leaving out the door, to the right....there she was. She was holding her binder on her chest with both arms and had a smile on her face. She waited there just for me. She looked at me and said "hey, here you go". She handed me the letter i wrote her with a continued letter from her. I looked at her and was bout to apologize but she handed it to me and walked off. Eager to see what her response could be, I ducked away into the restroom to read it. It said that I seemed like a nice guy and that she felt like she always could connect with me somehow.
Here I was thinking that the only girl I wanted to notice me, didn't....but she did. We began to write back and forth for almost a month and then my letters began to sound too much like hers and she thought I was making things up to relate to her. We kept what we talked about between us so no one knew, at least I think no one did. Letters began to be passed less and talks became "hi, bye" or waves.
Years after we graduated, coincidentally she moved next to my sister. I would see her come and go and she would speak and I would to but nothing would come of it. I found out months later that she was great at hiding things. She didn't turn out to be the well put together innocent girl that she portrayed to be. Instead she was the classic, party on Saturday and sing in the choir Sunday girl. After she became pregnant by a guy who didn't want it, I swallowed my pride and took the incident as a confirmation.
I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. She had had my heart for years but on that day, I got it back.
I think with my eyes close now to avoid the visual distraction, its more clearer. In this case, I was wrong but not completely wrong. It was true that I "had it bad" yeah, bad judgement.
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