"Her Spirit Talks To Me"

Looking through the window as the water from the rain beads against it making one of the most beautiful sounds imaginable, i reminisce.

Coming home to a little girl with arms outstretched reaching for me was a gift in itself. Rolling around with her on the floor watching as she figure out what pain is...thinking whether to cry or not. Crawling through the house looking for anything to grab or to rip apart. Watching her as she learned how to pull up on a couch and how she loved to be in my arms. She would always hit me in my leg and give me this "daddy pick me up NOW" look and i would always comply. One time she climbed on the couch and she liked when i made punching sounds with my mouth...she would laugh so hard...i would just thank God for such a beautiful daughter. Then one day i heard her making sounds and the first word was "dada". As a man and a father i felt so proud of her. There is no better feeling other than a child noticing you or acknowledging you and they cant even walk. That was one of the best days of my life.

I remember i used to walk up every night and make sure she was comfortable. She hates to be under the cover but she likes cool air so i would wrap her up so she wouldn't get cold. She was a very active baby when she slept, she loved to move around. Nightly, i would get out of bed at least 3 to 4 times giving her a bottle, changing her or even just making sure she was on her right side or on her stomach. She loves to sleep on her right side. I used to love combing her curly hair and made little jokes and baby sounds as i did it. She is such a beautiful baby and she compliments everything that i am as a man. I never missed any of her doctors appointments even if they were 15 mins, i would take time off and be right there. I felt it was important that i was there and not just one parent to represent her. Anything that little beautiful girl wanted or needed...she got. She had almost 2 of everything, 2 beds, 2 swings, 2 walkers...it was like we bought in bulk lol. The first day she walked, i was in the kitchen and it felt like a dream. Tears filled up my eyes because it was at that moment when my little girl believed in herself and her body enough to physically support herself. This was her independence!

Nothing was ever face value for me, with her. I would always look deeper than what the situation presented. Example: I was at home in the living room with her and i was giving her "tummy time". For those of you who don't know what that is, that's when a child began to build up their mechanics and start to strengthen their body parts. As she was on her stomach i was laying down in front of her saying, "Come on mamma, i know you can do it". It was then when she looked up at me barely able to hold her head up for long periods of time, and started to cry a bit. The thing is, even though she was crying....she still was trying. It was at that moment when i felt our spirits talked. I felt like i was witnessing one of the most flawless moments ever. As she was becoming aggravated with not getting the job completely done, and tears began to fill up in her eyes...i felt her spirit say to me, "daddy im trying, im trying daddy...im not going to give up". She was basically showing me that she didnt want to let me down...thats love. I grabbed her and we laid their holding each other. I knew at that moment what kind of heart she had....my heart. Even when she didn't feel like it could be done and even though she couldn't hold her head up for that long...she still didn't give up.

I hope she carry this trait with her the rest of her life. She continues to surprise me with the things she does and even say. Now a days when i hold her in my arms, i think about my life and the drugs, guns and things i had to witness coming up. Im giving her the life i never had but she is getting the realness of it with the way i talk to her and the things i explain to her. I was walking with her in my arms, in the hallway about 2 weeks ago and i said to her, "Always watch people tay, smiles aint always what it means, remember to stay aware of where you are at and remember that daddy loves you". She just looked at me with a blank face but i knew that she understood what i meant in her spirit. "Normal" people wouldn't understand what I'm doing but this is a deeper bond I'm building with my little girl.

Two nights ago she was sleeping in her crib and i was in the bed and i woke up briefly thinking about her and at that very moment...she screamed out, "daddyyy" and then she fell back asleep. These are things that allows me to know that we are connected in ways that people would never understand. I obviously would die for her but i would give up my soul to be able to see her and be with her everyday again.

Our spirits talk all day and she tells me, "daddy i know you love me, don't worry about nothing, everything is going to be OK". The crazy thing is, even though she is 1 years old....i believe what she says with everything in me.

Daddy Loves You Taylor! (kiss)