"Worse Feeling I Ever Had"

Today i was awaken at 6am by my daughter (taylor) trying to put her finger in my nose. I think that was her way of telling me that she wanted a bottle. Half sleep, i lift her head off of my chest and tell her, "stay right here, daddy go be back"...but she started to whine a little. Taylor always seems to get me with that whine, sometimes i can shield my heart against it and hold out but most of the time i just give in (don't tell her though). I pick her up and carry her to the kitchen in my arms. She normally gets excited when i take her to the kitchen because that means its food time..well in her language "eht eht daddy...eht eht". I grab a bottle and she starts clapping and talking, i admire a child that knows she is loved and well taken care of. I warm the bottle up and just as i go to pick her up, the pacifier comes shooting out of her mouth. She was ready for that bottle. I lay her down on the bed, change her diaper and then we lay back down to get back up like an hour later. She couldn't sleep completely so i spent about an hour rubbing our heads together. For some reason her and i do this head rubbing thing where her forehead and mines meet and we just stare at each other. My family is very affectionate and i always wanted my daughter to be able to physically express her love with her relatives.

Then we woke up, tired and playing...i get her clothes together. I do her hair and all the while, I'm praying for her. My love for my daughter is deeper than words, i pray for her soul. When i tell a person something, i mean it with everything in me...that's if you are close to me. I think she understands everything i tell her because she seem to accept it with a smile or a smirk. I walk her in the guest room where my mother from Houston is visiting and she waves and says "bye bye"...then waves at my brother and we head out the door. On the way driving there, i look at her periodically in the car seat to make sure she is ok. I start to talk to her but normally she don't talk as much in the car. Well, she did yesterday when we went out for shrimp and fries...she really enjoyed herself. We was in the backseat of my brothers expedition saying "uh" (rick ross voice) the whole way home...she is a character. One thing though, lately she has been very clingy to me, as if I'm going somewhere. I notice it and constantly tell her, "daddy ain't goin nowhere mamma, im right here doony". So i dropped her off at daycare and was driving back home thinking about the day ahead of me. I knew i would suffer some disappointment but none like i was about to encounter.

I get home, take off my and 1 basketball shorts and put on some jeans, a tee and a jacket. I look at my mother and say, "pray for me mamm, i dont know what to expect". I nervously walk out the door, down the hall, took the elevator and on to my car. I crank my car and pause for a minute asking God for guidance and help.

I go down to a building and they tell me that i was at the wrong building first. I had to go to another building and then come back to that one. So i pay the parking tab and drive to the second location. I hope out the car, take a look around and you can smell the stench of regret in the air in front of this place. I put quarters in the meter and then i walk in. I was told to remove everything from my pockets and my belt as well. Then i was told to stand in this line and wait until it was my turn. I had gotten there about 10am and as i stood in line, i noticed the "kind" of people i was around. I was around people who were obviously distraught, hurt, helpless and a couple of other words that i don't want to use. As i looked on with paperwork in my hand, i wondered if i was to pass by me while i was standing in line, would i look like i belonged there. I don't think i did. I think that place is for people who made mistakes, for people who cant jointly come to a conclusion. I looked different, i felt different but yet i was the same.

Some of us get to a point where we feel like we are better than another person and God has a way of putting you in the exact situation you thought you were better than. I didn't make this decision to be there, it was made for me...i was simply exercising my right as a man and a father. I had never knew anything about this place, my family had never went through this. I had never even experienced this, this was never a conversation in my home growing up...but yet i find myself on the front line. I felt like a soldier that signed up for some that i believed in only to find out that the person whom i signed up for, never believed in me.

Inch by inch i got closer to the "lady at the window". I was clearly out of place and i felt every second of it. I remembered back to my childhood and how i had no father there and that is what gave me the strength to stand up for myself and stay there. I thought about leaving as soon as i got in that place...i never wanted to be there. I was also reminded of a conversation that i had with a woman earlier in which she said, "i raised my daughter for 4 years without any help and she turned out fine" then i chimed in and said, "but i have been there everyday of my daughters life and i am a part of her life...your situation is different". It was almost as if she was trying to encourage me to let my daughter go. All these things played a part in my head as i stood there.

Then finally after 2 1/2 hours, i was called. I walked to her and the first question she asked me, i felt like a kid that didn't know nothing. Its one thing to be aware of something but its the worse feeling to be completely in the dark when it comes to something that has to do with you. Clearly embarrassed, i just asked her for advice and paperwork and then i left. I had never walked so fast in my life to get out of a place. As i pushed the door open i rested my back against the wall, feeling both tricked and betrayed. Often times people act on what they feel but feelings have proven to be a quick ticket to disaster.

Thinking that paperwork would define my daughters rights until she is 18, i refused to go ahead with the process. I love my little girl and she is not property to me, she is a human being that deserves the chance to grow up freely in a world where she is loved period. I felt like I'm taking a loss but in the end, my daughter wins. She wins a chance at not being subject to a piece of paper that says when or how often she can see me. Evangelist Dorothy Johnson once said "these are people from all walks of life, allowing sinful people to judge there sinful acts or wicked deeds". "The judges arent just...they say what they feel and back it up with the law". "That aint God".

I have been there daily, don't that count for anything. My father was never there for me and i vowed to be a great dad and i have well exceeded that. But, I'm some strange world...even though i won, i lost. We shall see what the future holds, will it get worse and i having to take the road less traveled. This could have gotten ugly if i was ignorant, thank God for my fear of him.

To all the fathers, if you are instrumental in your child's life, give them whats best for them. When parents makes decisions, they are often blinded by their selfish reason which seem right but makes for a nasty outcome. The child is priority not property!

I'm just glad that i have someone i can love and love with no hold backs..love u Tay!