"Bitter Sweet"

Laying in bed in December 2008, i was waking by touch. "Hey Me'Lon do you love me", "yeah i do" then i fall back asleep. Then i was waken seconds later, "Me'Lon do you love me alot", "yeah shawt, gimme bout 5 mo minutes", then asleep again. Waken a third time, "Do you love me enough to spend the rest of your life with me", then i look her in her eyes and say, "yeah, why"? She says to me "get up and come with me". With just boxers on, i walk down the hallway into the master bathroom. I didn't know what to expect...i thought i was about to get a early morning "surprise" :-)...nope. She walks me in and hands me a pregnancy test. I promise, when i looked at this thing, it said "PREGNANT...YEP YOUR ARE THA FATHER". So i wiped my eyes and took another look at it. Completely speechless, i just stood there in silence. She waited next to me nervously to see what my response would be but all i could do is just stand.

I looked at her, looked deep into her eyes and turned and walked out the bathroom. I crawled back into bed and just laid there trying to get it to sink in. She had come out the bathroom and stood in the doorway to the room waiting on some kind of comfort but i was so stunned. I had never wanted to have a child with a person and this was the first person i was ready to have one with and yet i still couldn't illustrate my happiness. Needless to say, we had a little argument because of my lack of verbal comforting...but overall i think i was as taken back as her. About 2 hours into it, i was calling everyone in my phone screaming to the top of my lungs telling them that i was having a child. It felt so good to have a family of my own. I was hoping for a boy like every man does and i was blessed with a girl. I think God knew what he was doing. At the time of that news...i must say i was anxious to see a boy but when i felt my little girl kick me for the first time...i was sold. She means so much to me, she has been in all my decisions and all my actions since her birth. My job is and was then as well, was to provide and protect her and i have done and is doing so.

Which brings me to today. I have decided to move back to Houston Texas. When i messaged people, called people or told people that i was leaving...their first questions weren't, "why"? or "when will you be back"? or "how come"? But, it was instead "what about your little girl"? I didn't realize that so many people knew how passionate i am about my babygirl. I think i love her more than the average human, or even more than the above average human feels about their child. I came to California with just a suitcase and 500 dollars and im leaving with pain, tears and sorrow. I had no family here except for my brother who moved out here when i was 10. She had become my mother, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, father, uncles, aunts, and friend. She holds so much weight in my heart that's why this decision is so hard to make. I have cried the last 3 days literally, I'm crying right now. What i have built in 3 years, has been all torn down and taken in 3 months. I don't think no one will ever understand the amount of pain, hurt and disappointment you can suffer when you gave everything you had/have and it still wasn't enough. In some ways, i failed...horribly. In some ways, i accomplished what i was set out to accomplish. In some ways i trusted too much in another person.

As a kid, (as many of us do) i used to look at people and say, "that will never be me". I find myself, that person now. I gave up my life to be here, and is giving it up again to leave. Its taking a while to write this with all the tears that keep blurring my vision. I never thought it would turn out this way, but i didn't calculate the other 50% that influence the decision as well. Sometimes the goodness of your heart is not met with the same effect. But what i will say is that i have learned alot here. Alot of good things and also some things that i would like to leave here as well. But what i mostly learned is, when you give up your life to be a part of another person's...learn them and not the person you think they are. I think that should be on both sides.

My life here is done and it is time for me to start over again back in a place that housed me for 25 years. I'm more mature, focused, seasoned, and scarred so i think I'm prepared for whatever this world can throw me. But what i will say is that outside influence is not needed when the words are negative. I come from a place where when a home is broken, the words spoken are "pray to God" or "do whatever it takes to keep your family together". Here its "well it just didn't work" or "we were just delt a bad hand". It seems like when the first chance of occupying the bed of someone else presents itself, its taken. I have been in love 3 times in my life and its crazy how the scenario's kind of play out the same. Emotionally i have been battered, bruised, betrayed, taken advantage of and hurt on purpose but I'm still here. I'm not a fan of love anymore, i don't think it prevails and i don't think it conquers all. If it did, the way i have loved would have reached every heart on earth.

God has a plan for me and for me to be able to give my daughter my morals and values, i have to be in a position to do so. Again, California has been a great place to experience but i think my reign here is over. My daughter will unfortunately be the middle man in this (so to speck) but i think in the end God will get the glory. This decision wasn't the easiest by far, i think it was a bit forced, made for me and also selfish but there is a blessing in everything.

To the mother of my child: I have loved you more than any family member and even myself most of the time. I tried my best to give you a life the you never had and i succeed materialistically. I provided for you and protected you from any hurt harm or danger, but it wasn't enough. This is neither of our faults and i respect your decisions and wish you the best in your life. I still think you are a great mother and i will always love you for giving me the best gift God made available on earth...a child.

To my daughter: Taylor daddy cried for you, prayed for your soul and promise to give you the life of a princess. When you get older, you can look back at these blogs or reads my books and feel through the words what kind of heart i had. I apologize for having to leave you but i am doing all of this for you baby. I have never felt like my heart being pierced like right now. A person once told me "emails and letters are forever", and I'm hoping that these words mean as much to you as they do to me. I am not leaving with a cleared conscience, a pleased decision or with a open mind but with love for you in mind. I promise to call you, send you flowers and spend as much time as humanly possible a person can spend in 2 states. The bible says "In the last days, the heart of man will wax cold", keep in mind that you heart is different...you have my heart, so its a blessing and a curse, protect it with your life. I will introduce you to God just as i did 4 months into you being born, you are his child and i have asked him to look over you and keep you the rest of your life...i believe he will do just that. ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT DADDY LOVES YOU AND I WILL ONLY BE A PHONE CALL AWAY. (tear)