"A Normal Night For Me"

12:34am, I say "bye" and hangs up the phone. A feelings of faith takes over as the rest of the night begins to play itself out. Laying in a fixed position in bed for about an hour has seemed to take a toll on the lower part of my back. It wasn't pain but it was more of a subtle sharp reminder with every fast movement. After every conversation i am reminded of what my purpose is and for some reason when the conversation is over, i forget about it. It could be the act of emotional faith or could be the act of "let go and let God". I have come to realize, its not what you do FOR people, its what you do IN them.

I plug my phone into the charger, hit the light and turn over on my side. Uneasy, i began to pray. Subconsciously, i have already started praying. My spirit begins to utter words before they are spoken out loud, that seemed to have become a habit. The first words out of my mouth nightly, are prayers for my daughter. I pray more for her more than i pray for myself. Sometimes i think its God's way of sharpening me for whats to come. None of us know the future but when in hopes of great things, it seems to coral us all in.

As i continue to ask God to watch over my daughter and as i get even deeper with the words, i fall asleep. I fall asleep only to be waken hours later, urged to pray even more. I reach over and see my phone blinking and notice texts of prayer and help. Months ago, i was viewed completely different than the person i am now. Couple months ago i wanted to take my life, and now i help add to the lives of others. I look back at it all and just smile. I smile because i now see what i was suppose to have seen years ago.

Awaken at this point, i began to pray. Through habit, my daughter is the first person i ask God to protect. I then pause and feel my heart having a conversation with her as i lay there. Its like a movie being played in fast forward in my head, I'm reminded of every scene. Then i grab my phone and look at pictures of her and replay video's of her with me. As i stare at perfection in human form, my heart says "Daddy loves you Taylor" and immediately i hear her say, "Love you too daddy". I think that is the only thing that allows me to sleep at night, her response.

Finally falling back to sleep after an hour, i wake in the morning. I wake with the pressure of not being able to touch my daughters hand or wrestle with her (smile). Sometimes i just lay in bed hoping that this was all a bad dream and i wake up to life again. Then, I'm quickly reminded that isn't so. Sitting upright on the beds edge, feet touches the floor...earth becomes a part of me. Sliding my feet into my house shoes, i walk down the hall to the bathroom to start my day. Entering the room again to check the phone, i see messages of hope, love and faith. Its amazing how God works. Not even 8 hours earlier, the feel of accomplishment for these people weren't even an idea but now its an understatement. I'm reminded of a scripture that says "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy come in the morning". Weeping may endure in the fight, but joy comes in the mourning.

I went from asking people can i send them daily encouragements to know being asked to send them. I used to think that no response is a bad response...but now learning that no response is a "working in me" response. We are taught that communication is the best form of human interaction...not so. The best things said, are actually not saying anything at all....its the feel. I was reminded that "Consistency is key" (shout out to a twitter follower who tweeted that). Its never how good you do something or how much effort you put into it that time, you have to remain steady with whats applied.

I wake up with hurt, pain, feelings of defeat but i still keep moving. A person asked me, "GS, how do you help people, pray for them, encourage them and you go through as much as you do", i answered and said, "None of this is for me". All my life i always had that feeling of something missing...never knew what it was but i now feel like its close if not here. Regardless of how i feel, there is a job that God needs done and because of my past, people are a part of my future. Remember when you were young, the older people would say, "what the enemy meant for bad, God meant for good"? I see what they mean now, and that's what i meant by smiling. If i hadn't lived the life i have, been in the things i was in, done the things i did...i wouldn't be able to talk to these people. In three months, God have saved the lives (literally) of three people through me. I now know there is nothing that God cant do.

As the encouragement list grows, so does my faith and persistence. Being consistent, diligent, obedient and encouraging has proven to be a lifestyle. I've always wanted to help people and God has put that want to use. I will say that every case comes as somewhat of a challenge, but i think that's what keeps me into it. I have committed to helping others without compromising who i am as a person or Man.

So if you are reading this, and need encouragement that's un-bias, unwavering and uncompromising...God has you reading my blog for a reason...think about it.

This is a normal night for me!