"Every Feeling Possible" (Part 1 of 3)

I was woke up by a question as I slept December of 2008. The question was "do you love me" and I answered, "yeah now let me go back to sleep". Then there was a second question, "are you in love with me" and I replied, "yeah, gimme 10 minutes and we can talk away". Then there was another question, "do u see yourself spending the rest of your like with me" and I replied and said "what up with all tha questions"? She said, "come here I wanna show u something". I was half sleep at this point not wanting to move at all. My body felt heavy as I laid on the California pillow top king mattress I had just bought.

She then shook me some more and said, "come on, get up". Aggravated, I got up. Honestly in my head, I was hoping for some morning "fun" but what I was about to hear was about to change my life. I was guided down the bedroom hallway by her hand. Trying to wake myself up and watch my step, I stumbled behind her to the bathroom. She told me to close my eyes, then I got real excited. I was thinking, this has never happened. So I positioned myself awaiting the feel of her but I was interrupted by her telling me to open them back up. When I opened my eyes back up, there it was. In BOLD blue letters, it read PREGNANT. I stood there for like 30 seconds froze. That 30 seconds felt like 5 days. I remember having this happening 2 times before in my life but I was young and clearly not ready for a child.

I wear clear contacts, that I didn't have on so with the combination of sleepiness and blurred vision, I thought I was reading it wrong. So I ran my hand across my face, rubbed my eyes and leaned down to get a better look and the letters didn't change. It clearly said PREGNANT. I leaned back up, turned towards to door and walked out. I went back to my bed. I didn't have any feelings going through my head at that point, I was thoughtless. I laid back down and I felt both good and bad. I felt bad because I didn't give her any words of comfort. I know this had to have been a real confusing moment for her. I felt good because I finally was getting what I wanted but it was a strange good because it came so instant and quick. I laid there in bed happy, confused, nervous and ready. I had always prepared myself for a change that I knew about and in this case I had months to prepare. The hard part was yet to come though.

I ended up at home alone that day thinking about life that was to come. Its a crazy feeling when u have to prepare but not know what exactly to prepare for. I just knew that whatever I was preparing for, I was going to be ready. So, I called one of my good friends that has 3 kids and asked him for advice. But, he is the type of person that you call and they give you the "harsh" reality advice. You know that advice you get and after you get it, you feel like the world is about to end. That is the kind of advice he gives. So I called and asked, "ay mayne, what should I prepare for...what should I expect"? He responded saying, "mayne its two ways this can go, real bad or real good...there is no middle". I looked at the phone like, what have I gotten myself into.

He explained that it all depends on the happiness of the parents that transfer to the happiness of the child. This guy sounded like a baby professional. I had never heard him talk like this. He had me taking notes and I was nodding my head up and down agreeing with him as if he could see me through the phone. When I hung up I felt like I could take on the world.

I went to the first doctors appointment and seen a little dot. I was anxious to see the whole baby though. Me being me, I was like "ay doc where is the rest of the baby". He said, "it haven't developed completely yet". I thought I was going to see legs, arms maybe the baby making faces at me. Completely clueless, I sat there just looking at a screen that didn't seem to change. I think up until that point, I had this feelings of urgency but as I sat I began to feel a change in me.