"Clueless"

I know its certain feelings that seem too familiar, like the feeling of sleepiness or hunger. But what about the feeling of protection. I go to work everyday and see people walking with their kids, laughing and playing and wonder why that option was taken from me. You never understand how people can make decisions based on their "feelings" and believe what they feel. That has to be a random life. I used to remember waking up daily and being right there for my daughter. Protection wasnt even a question because i was right there...providing wasnt a question because i was right there...but somehow the choice of me being a part time father was selfishly made for me.

I get up now and think, "where is she", "how is she doing", "is she thinking about me". When i see her, its like this uncontrolable feeling of happiness and security i get. I moved from a place i called home for 25 years only to be left as a statistic and left to die honestly. But, by me only having one brother out here and a friend that i consider my brother...i was completely surprised by the people that actually showed me love apposed to the ones that didnt. You can give everything you have to people or to a person and in the end it doesnt matter when they have their own direction. I lost, im stuck here in a foreign place...here to raise a child partially...here to raise her to have morals and values that i had when i was brought up. Its hard to do that when you know nothing about this place. I lost, stuck here to watch a person survive as they did years before me in a place thats familiar to them. But i keep hearing a voice from above say, "love, yet again it will be your turn".

People will surprise you when its either you are them. I grew up giving the very clothes on my back to a friend. I built relationships with people that i felt would go past the personality and into the soul of a person. What happens is, when some people turn their backs...pride owns them. I have suffered for things i had nothing to do with, things i didnt even do, things people "feel"...i lost. I think maybe if i had my own agenda when i came here i would have been better prepared for the outcome...but i am such a passionate person of friendship and the people i hold close to me until i dont think people are capable of doing that to ME. I lost, i lost even when it wasnt a game, i lost even when all the jokes were just silence and the wind made the only sound. I lost in a race that i wasnt even aware i was in. Then you ask yourself...who benefits...but there is never an answer for that. A smile or compliment means nothing when the intentions behind it arent genuine.

Thoughts about people and a person have never occupied my mind until now. As i get closer to clarity...i look back and see the signs of my downfall and ask myself why didnt i notice then. The answer to that is...THE HEART. The bible says, "I will give you the desires of your heart"....BUT the desire doesnt mean a wife or husband all the time. A person once told me "Dont stay with a person because of the potential"....funny how things turn out though. I can proudly say that before my child...i had many female friends...i wanted to be tha "ladies man" tha guy who all tha ladies wanted to be around. That was such a dark and lonely road that i was traveling down because once you realize that you are just a clueless person seeking attention from the opposite sex...its pointless. I have grown from EVERYTHING i used to do and wish to not convert back to it.

So while im here in a place that i have to first learn on my own...i have to be man enough to not let its "things" change me so i can teach my daughter how it really feels to love someone. Its easy to say this is a great place to raise a child when you have never lived anywhere else. I lost, i lost at not noticing i was on a road that lead nowhere and lost the option to have my daughter see her family daily.

Even when i won, i lost. Then they say when a man shows emotion, he is weak...when a man show emotion (its something he cares about deeply) he is a MAN. I have done more than any man should be forced to do but this is a lesson learned through experience. My son (one day) will know how to treat a woman and i will teach him how to love one as well. People say that love is a touchy subject...thats only when you have never really loved someone. When words stop working, all you have is action...i have shown too much. When you give a person or people power that they cant even handle...all kinds of things happen. Still to this day..."feelings" are all im thought of. Its like im not even a person anymore. My actions have proven my heart...regardless of what i say. I had some thoughts in my head...i needed to get out..."when the halftime show is over, its back to business...unfortunately some people dont know the difference".

Its crazy how one person can destroy the entire life of 2 people because of a "feeling"....im clueless.