My Purpose All Along

I was in the 5th grade, 10 year old boy clueless about life and what it had to offer. My mother kept us in church and made sure that we participated in each and every service. I played the drums until i was about 17 years old. I had a gift but then again i had many gifts, some of which i left fade away. But, i remember...there was this feeling i would get when i went to this particular church. It wasn't a bad feeling, it was more so a feeling of "placement" if you will. I felt like i was suppose to be at that exact place at that exact time, its like life was in perfect alignment when i went there. As a kid i always showed off on the drums, but there was this kid...this little dark brown skin kid that would just sit and watch me every service. He was about 5 years old at the time and i didn't know how special he was until later in life.

This kid grandmother was the pastor of the church and you can say that it was a family church. She was known by many people and respected within the community for her acts of kindness, and the apple that fell from the tree...fell into his hands. At the age of 6 or 7 he began to play the drums, he actually played better than most of the older kids including his uncles. He would always have a serious look on his face. You knew that he was very smart and wanted to learn as much as he could in the time that he had to watch. I remember one service, the church started "jumping" and he hopped on the drums and you could tell that the anointing was in him.

Over the years, i would just watch him. He seemed to have been in good hands, his immediate family was a bit dysfunctional like mine but he was a sharp kid. But you see, those are the ones whom the devil try and deceive. The enemy will make the truth not seem so truthful or make the actions not seem so effective. Over time my family moved to another church but kept in contact with them. They say the quiet ones are the ones you need to watch, along with myself....that is the truth. I was the one from the hood, i was the one that got into the streets, i was the one that had been to jail all those times. At the time i didn't think he would be anywhere near that because he came from such a structured family but i was wrong.

Fast forward to December 2009, I brought my little girl to Houston from California to be christian. She was 4 months old and it was one of the happiest moments in my life. I always wanted her to have a church, God fearing background and upbringing. At that service, a guy walks in. He was about 6'2, slim dark brown skin guy with a "fixed" look on his face. It wasn't a mean look, it was more so a "life" look. As i looked harder, it was that same little kid that played the drums but he was a man now. After the service, we stood outside and talked a while and caught up with the times. From all the excitement of my daughter, i wasn't able to get into too deep of a conversation with him but i did tell him, "The rap game ain't what you think it is, it changes you the person". We exchanged numbers and then i left. He had text me once while i was back in California but i don't think i responded. That was a mistake that i unknowingly made. Sometimes a person reaches out to you in their own way, it may seem subtle or discreet but to them its a huge step. I didn't think ahead or deeper about the wording of the conversation outside the church in Dec. 2009, but now in 2011 i wish i had.

Fast forward to January 2011, i went back to that church in Houston...now staying in Houston. I had this heavy weight on my shoulder because i was back home but without my daughter. That church was the same church that blessed me when i left to California and now they welcomed me back with open arms even though i wasn't completely honest with them. As i walked in the church, this feeling of guilt and regret gripped me. With every step to my seat, i felt like i was going to crumble into pieces. The service hadn't started so everyone was greeting one another and i put on a smile to hide how i was really feeling deep inside. I went over, hugged my mother...kissed her forehead and took my seat on the front row.

Sitting there i reflected on all the signs that God showed me before all the bad in my life happened. All the signs that were warnings but because i wasn't around people of God, no one else could have warned me. Sometimes we think its the enemy trying to trick us but sometimes its God showing us whats around us or whats to come. In the midst of the service, the side door opened and here walks in that same guy from 2009. He sits on the drums and began to play. I glance over at him and he gives me this smirk as to the affect of "whats hatnin homie", i nod and continue to clap. It was good seeing that he was still in church. The testimony portion of the service came and i stood up. I started to greet the church and then went into a emotional testimony that made half the church cry including me. The point in that testimony was that i was done playing with God and his mercy, when everyone else left me...he was always there and now I'm not walking away anymore.

Sitting there with tears that wouldn't stop falling and a feeling of failure, i feel to my left this person touch my back. When a person tells you something about yourself, even if its true...you may feel bad but you can shake that off. But, when God convict you...your heart has to rid itself of the selfishness, the pain, hurt, shame, regret, and stress. I tried to stop crying but couldn't. I put my face in my hand but that didn't work either. Imagine me, "hard guy" in church crying. As i sat there the hand on my back tapped me on my left shoulder and said low, "ay bro lemme sit here wit chu". I moved over and it was the drummer. He didn't say much, he just sat there the rest of the service, as to let me know that he got my back with whatever it was.

After church, i stood out by my car and he walks up and tells me, "ay bro that testimony touched me mayne" (heavy Houston accent, heavier than mine even). I said, "i meant every word bro, I'm tired of playing...i lost everything and i didn't really fight as hard as i could for it...this was suppose to happen". He say, "God got a plan for us all, I'm glad you back i miss u mayne, we need you around out here". I say, "well I'm back for good, and God gonna bring everything back together like it should be". I get in my car and head home. Later that night, i was on facebook and remembered months earlier i had a friend that was on there talking about her marriage problems and i felt this urge to contact her online. That was the beginning of "My Purpose".

When i was in the streets, i not only did wrong but i brought other people along with me...men and women. I wanted to sleep with women, i had charm so it happened. I wanted to hustle but not risk the consequence so i "directed traffic", God looked down on that. If you are going to do wrong, do it as an individual...don't bring an innocent person into the mix because God holds you accountable for them as well. So now that I'm in Christ, God want me to not only come on my own...but bring people with me. That's my purpose! Women, men, children, whatever it takes. I began mentoring again, something i haven't done since 07 but this time it feels right. It wasnt planned, its something i kind of fell into. God put people my name in people mouth and i was there to help. Now, I don't have any intentions, just encouragement and the approval from God.

As things seemed to be turning around, i got a sudden feeling of my daughter in my heart. I had a series of bad dreams and God deal with me through those. About 2 weeks prior, i had a dream and called my mother and told her. I knew it was going to be a death in the family. I prayed and prayed and then i get a call from my sister saying my grandmother passed away. But just as a boxer get fit and conditioned, God is conditioning my heart for whats to come.

We drive to Louisiana and on our back i receive a phone call. The strange thing is, i wasn't able to get reception almost the entire trip but this phone call came through. "hello", "yeah binchy what up mayne". "Not too much homie, just now leaving tha boot headed back to tha H", "ay mayne i need you bro I'm bout to lose it". "huh, what!" "mayne i remember you talking bout how u lost yo family and daughter and it jus happen to me. I had to send em away for a while for something i couldnt do. I got this gun in my hand loaded my nigga, ain't nothing left for me here bro". "Ay nah mayne, you got me homie...ay check game, I'm bout to pray for" (click), my phone loses reception. I immediately start asking for a phone in the car to use but no one else had reception. I started to ask God to keep him and protect him and then all of a sudden, 1 bar pops up on my phone. I called him as quickly as i could and he answers. "yo homie my call dropped, im in these woods. Imma be in houston in about 3 hours, don't go nowhere, dont do nothing...soon as i get home imma come get u wherever u at". "Aight mayne, thanks alot bro...the only person i called was you and you there for me". "Already bro, hang in there my nigga, im right around the cona", "luh you my nigga" "luh u too bro".

Here you have me, my past consisted of multiple women, drug selling and a suspicion of drug trafficking case that was dropped. Then you have him, a 23 year old gangster, as real as they come who got convicted of a crime that most of us wouldn't believe and he was freed. We have our "street credibility" whatever that means nowadays. But i say that to say this, if i wouldn't have lived it, people like him wouldn't listen to me. I have been through it all and still rocking with God and waiting on my future with him.

As we pull up, i grab my bags out the car before they leave. I run them in the house and then I run to my car and call him. "Yo", "ay bro, i jus touch dine...where u at", "i left the nawf" "aight just give the address and imma gps it". I get the address and i thought from my house he would be across town but he was exactly the next street over and he didn't even know it. I feel God placed him close so that whatever was to come, would come quick. I drive up to this house and he comes outside and gets in the car. I drive him back to my house and we sit in the driveway. We had one of the deepest conversations i think i had ever had in my life. Months before this, i had thoughts of just dying. I didn't want to kill myself but something in me wanted me to just give up because of all that was happening. But God had to literally move me to a place where he could build me back up and allow me to impact peoples lives in a positive spiritual way.

As he sits in the car, i can see death all over him. I had felt it months before so it was easy to identify it. Like i said, i had to go through it to be able to help someone through it in a spiritual way. He told me, "I had the gun loaded and was ready to end it all bro, i thought this was God's way of repaying me for all i have done wrong in life". Most people say they will kill themselves but if you knew him, you would know he dont play with words or actions like that. I told him, "i thought the same thang about myself bro, but you and i know that we are not normal kids, people deem you as a gangster or thug but look at all your accomplishments and how intelligent you are. People can take physical things from you but they cant take away your wisdom, that comes from God". Suddenly, i started to quote scriptures in the bible word for word and i had never done that before. I felt this feeling come over me and it allowed me to say that exact things i wish someone would have said to me when i was going through that. I began to see his demeanor change, his face started to look normal again and i even cracked some jokes to get some laughter out of him. I pulled up this bible app on my phone and we started reading the bible in the car. I was with him until 2am in the morning, i wasnt going nowhere until i knew he was good. You don't have to be a thug, nerd, bully, saint or anything in particular to be able to save someones life, you just have to listen to God. YOU DONT KNOW HOW GOOD IT FEELS FOR GOD TO PUT YOU IN A POSITION TO SAVE SOMEONES LIFE, AND YOU DO IT. I am not perfect by any means but what God did in that moment was nothing less of perfect.

Currently, i am witnessing to 5 people. Even though my situation isn't perfect, I'm believing in God to put back together that which was torn down. I always had an ability to talk to people and to write but as of late, I'm realizing those are gifts. I have never felt the way i feel about life, i love getting up and praying for my daughter and ready for what the day brings. The devil thought he was going to take me out, then he tried to get another one...smh, I'm going to get to them as quick as you do and we can battle then.

I never seen myself being this person, it was always something in it for me. Now, the reward i get is seeing God work in others lives which lets me know he can and will do the same in mine....have faith!

Oh and just in case you were wondering, that guy was the same drummer from when i was 10years old. He was put into a situation where all he had to do was make a call and thousands would be back in his hand, instead he called me and i been encouraging him ever since. Today he got a job WITHOUT an interview and i was there to witness it. God put people in your life for a reason, its our decision to stay there.

This was My Purpose All Along...to help!